"There's a Place for Us"

There's a lot in our world that revolves around romantic love.  Plenty of music has been written about it.  Whether it's wholesome and clean, more explicit or vulgar, there's a lot!  There was a time when I struggled with romantic songs.  With where I am now, I wonder if I could go back to when I was taking voice lessons and be able to sing those songs.  For a while I took comfort in the fact that I could never go wrong with singing about the Savior.  This is one major reason it's such a blessing to sing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and yet...we still sing love songs!

It's understandable that our culture points toward romance and sex, and hopefully marriage in between.  We've all been given certain feelings that help us desire to marry and have a family.  Such is a central component to God's plan.  But for those of us who are gay and who desire to respect and live traditional Christian values, what can we do with the love that we have to give?  What do love songs mean to us?  Like the rest of the human race, we have needs for love and connection.

In the last year or so, it occurred to me that I can simply expand many of the love songs I hear to include other kinds of love; the love and devotion that is present in a family; the love that one can have for themselves; the love that one can have for anyone they meet; even the love that a man can have for another man.  Of course, there are some songs that are obviously romantic or even sexual in nature.  But for the most part, it seems like a lot of love songs are more general and can be used in other ways besides heterosexual love and marriage.


I first came to this realization when I met a new friend last year.  And yes, I may have fallen for him a little, but I was still thinking of all this within the context of friendship.  At around the same time, I bought the soundtrack to the TV show, Downton Abbey.  I didn't know the main theme song had words, but it does!  It's called "Did I Make the Most of Loving You?," and it is based on the complex relationship between Mary and Matthew.

Did I make the most of loving you?
So many things we didn’t do.
Did I give you all my heart could give?
Two unlived lives with lives to live.
When these endless, lonely days are through, I’ll make the most of loving you.
I’ll make the most of loving you.

Did we make the most of all we had?
Not seeing you makes my heart sad.
Did we make the most of summer days?
We still have time to change our ways.
When these endless, lonely days are through, I’ll make the most of loving you.
I’ll make the most of loving you.
I’ll make the most of loving you.
I’ll make the most of loving you.

Did those tender words stay in my head?
So many things were left unsaid.
Did I give you all my heart could give?
Two unlived lives with lives to live.
When these endless, lonely days are through, I’ll make the most of loving you.
I’ll make the most of loving you.
I’ll make the most of loving you.
I’ll make the most of loving you.

Of course, more than half of the magic lies in hearing it with the music and watching scenes from the show. The lyrics, the vocal line and the familiar accompaniment led me to apply the song to my life in unique ways.  Am I making the most of the love I have to give?  Are my relationships where they need to be?  Do my friends know that I love them?  Am I fulfilling the measure of my creation as a queer Latter-day Saint?  The message in this song can lend itself to many forms of love.  It can also be in reference to our measure of love and devotion to the Savior.

Another significant realization was at choir rehearsal a couple weeks ago.  We were rehearsing "Somewhere" from West Side Story.

There's a place for us,
Somewhere a place for us.
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us
Somewhere.

There's a time for us,
Some day a time for us,
Time together with time to spare,
Time to learn, time to care,
Some day!

Somewhere.
We'll find a new way of living,
We'll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere . . .

There's a place for us,
A time and place for us.
Hold my hand and we're halfway there.
Hold my hand and I'll take you there
Somehow,
Some day,
Somewhere!  

The arrangement we do is beautiful.  As we were singing it, I realized that it doesn't have to carry only its original meaning.  I don't need to think about romance between a man and a woman.  I don't have to dread singing this song because such a relationship might not be mine.  I can apply it to my life right now, to the friendships I have and to the hope I have of finding love and companionship in some form in this life.


More profoundly, I can also apply these lyrics to my relationship with the Savior.  The lyrics "hold my hand and I'll take you there..." reminded me of Jesus leading me through my life little by little.  I go back to the importance of this relationship with the Him.  I have found that when I am in a good place, when I am doing my best to keep the commandments and rely on the Atonement, that is when my love for others is most genuine.  That is when lyrics about love mean the most.

Gott Sei Mit Euch - Mission to Europe

600 people, 19 flights, 5 hotels, 7 concerts, 6 countries, 10 cities and I don't know how many buses.  It always boggles my mind to think of all the planning and logistics that goes into touring with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the Orchestra at Temple Square, the staff and guests.  And yet, like most events with the Tabernacle Choir, everything always runs surprisingly smooth.  Members of the Choir and Orchestra are set apart as missionaries for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  However, being out of the country, away from work and away from Facebook brought "set apart" to a whole new level.  I had a different routine, a dedicated purpose, and I actually met and bonded with the people I sing with every week.

I've hesitated to blend these two parts of my life (the Choir and being a fabulous Mormon, which is the premise of this blog), but what the heck.  They're both important and they both intertwine in significant ways.  So I thought I'd share some highlights of our tour (for a more complete diary, please visit the Mormon Tabernacle Choir blog at https://www.mormontabernaclechoir.org/blog.html.

AmDam 30

I was put on the last flight to Europe, with a night-time flight over the Atlantic, an 8-hour layover in Amsterdam and a midnight arrival in Berlin.  But there was a positive spin on it.  We had some of the funnest people in the choir and orchestra, and we had a canal lunch tour of Amsterdam arranged for us during our layover.  We called ourselves the "AmDam 30" group and yes, we had our share of dam jokes (Amster-Amster-Amster-Dam-Dam-Dam).  It was a little strange to think...we left Salt Lake City on the afternoon of the 27th and didn't get to Berlin until 11:30 or so at night on the 28th.  Something that impressed me was that our choir president and tour guru were there to greet each and every group (with a piece of chocolate).  They were also there to greet us as we arrived home (but without the chocolate...).

Concerts

As mentioned above, we gave 7 concerts while we were in Europe.  These were held in Berlin, Nuremberg, Vienna, Zurich, Frankfurt, Brussels and Rotterdam.  It's kind of hard to pick one concert out over the others.  Every concert had wonderful musical moments.  Every concert ended in a standing ovation and voluminous cheers (including a very audible "Whoah!" after a performance of "The Battle of Jericho"), which we were told not to expect from European audiences.  One of the more notable concerts was on our first Sunday in the historic Musikverein Golden Hall in Vienna.  Most choir and orchestra members would probably agree agree that this was one of the hottest halls temperature-wise (I think only one hall we performed in had air-conditioning), but the sound was glorious.  I could hear the sopranos in ways I 
hadn't before!

Our program had two parts.  The first half featured a continuous set of songs of praise, with a recurring theme based around "All People that on Earth Do Dwell" (the same melody as "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow").  These pieces came from various time periods, with works by Gustav Holst, Johann Sebastian Bach, George Friedrich Handel, Alberto Ginastera, and our very own Mack Wilberg.  One of my favorites was Brother Wilberg's "Requiem Aeternam."  I enjoyed the string interludes and the rich choral harmonies that were heard and felt throughout the hall.  I also liked Ginastera's "Alleluia" from his work, "Psalm 150," even though it's kind of weird.  It started out sounding like some strange Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, but it concluded with the main melody embedded in a complex system of various meters, with sixteenth notes in the sopranos, triplets in the tenors and quarter notes in the low bass.  I guess you'd have to hear it to know how cool it is.

The second half began with our traditional international pieces, "Ah El Novio" (or for some of us...ah-hell-no-vio) and "Betelehemu."  The audience was always impressed when we started moving and clapping.  Then we sang some of our American folk songs, and we concluded with some Latter-day Saint hymns.  As can be expected, I loved singing such pieces as "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing," "Come, Come Ye Saints" and "The Spirit of God" in such prestigious venues.  A crowning performance for me was in Rotterdam.  Unlike many of the concerts, I was able to see the whole choir and orchestra.  It was thrilling to be able to see the cymbals clash during the powerful ending of "The Spirit of God."  

At the end of each concert, we sang "God Be With You," most of the time in the language of the country we were in.  It was a very special moment for everyone involved at each performance.  Up until our final concert, I was wondering, "Why learn it in Dutch when we sang it in English in Brussels and German everywhere else?"  However, as we started singing, and as many in the audience started chiming it, I knew that it was a needed blessing for many.

Site Seeing

While our main priority was to plant seeds of the gospel through music, we did have some recovery days and designated site-seeing days.  We lodged in Berlin, Munich, Frankfurt, Amsterdam and Paris, and visited various sites in and around those cities.  I mostly hung out with my tour roommate and a few others.  We visited the Berlin Wall and other memorials, the Marienplatz in Munich, Neuschwanstein Castle, Heidelberg Castle, Palm Gardens in Frankfurt, the Anne Frank House and Madame Tussaud's in Amsterdam, a Segway tour and the Eiffel Tower in Paris.  

 I think one of my favorite places was the Anne Frank House.  I remember learning about her story in eighth grade, and it was something else to be where it actually happened, to read about those events with older, more mature eyes.  It reminded me of the reality that some similar things still happen today with people of various religions, skin color, gender and sometimes sexual orientation or variant gender identity.  And it's not like there is always an easy answer for all of it either.  I've come to learn that it's ultimately up to each individual to lay hold upon that which is good--for me that is the gospel of Jesus Christ--and let love flow.  Another poignant part of the museum was a video clip where Anne's father, Otto Frank, described part of his experience reading her diary.  He was heartbroken at how self-critical she was in her writing.  He didn't know a lot of what she went through emotionally.  He said, "Most parents don't know well their children."  This hit me very hard, having gone through my own battles with self-criticism and self-loathing as a result of believing that was what it meant to "be humble."  That might be one of Satan's greatest tools that causes so much hate in the world...getting us to doubt ourselves.  How different it is to realize that we CAN be happy about ourselves.  We can celebrate and develop our positive attributes.  We can recognize them as divine strengths.  We can simply LOVE ourselves!

After that deep thought...Another favorite of mine was the Heidelberg Castle.  Now, Neuschwanstein was intact and embedded in the most glorious landscape I have ever seen, while Heidelberg was in ruins.  But I enjoyed the history and visualizing the size and beauty of the castle and its surroundings.  I also thought it was cool to see the college town of Heidelberg with the old, castle looming above it, preserved in it's war-torn state.

Heidelberg

Neuschwanstein

Neuschwanstein

My roommate and I visited the top of four different structures: the Glockenspiel and St. Peters Church (Munich), St. Bartholomew's Church (Frankfurt) and the Eiffel Tower (where do you think?).  He counted the steps while I huffed and puffed.  In all, we climbed 1,200 steps one way, and of course we came down too.  It was well worth the money and the exercise!  I think my favorite may have been the Eiffel Tower, something that I had only seen in movies (mostly "Anastasia") and learned about in my junior high French class.  It was odd to think that at 10 in the morning I was up on top of the Eiffel Tower and later that same day (almost) I ended up back in my own bed in North Salt Lake (27 hours later including the time change).

Glockenspiel from St. Peters

 Hence Forth and Forever

We returned home (back in Utah) on Saturday, July 16 (well...early Sunday in the case of our flight).  We were home, but our tour didn't really feel over as we had two concerts to prepare for the following week!  As is commonly stated, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir organization is a "train that keeps on going."  

Eiffel Tower

It's a difficult world we live in today.  
We were in Paris when the awful attack happened only six hours away in Nice.  We were saddened to hear of some more horrific incidents in Munich shortly after arriving home.  I am grateful for our safety, for the security personnel prepared the way and came alongside us, and for those who reminded us each to be aware of our surroundings and stay in the safe zone (and that's a good lesson in obedience!).  We also did not forget the previous attacks in Brussels and in Paris.  During our Sacrament meeting in Frankfurt, we were told that we would bring peace and healing to our European friends who have been through so much fear and heartache.  And isn't that the good news of gospel, the hope that comes through the love of Christ and striving to live as He would have us live?  I am humbled to be able to share that message with my little baritone range in such a marvelous choir.


*And if anyone cares, yes, there are many fine gentlemen in Europe.  They take good care of themselves and inspire me to do likewise.  But yeah...as I've been telling people...that moment in Amsterdam when I was so preoccupied with the fully clothed men that it took me a while to notice the topless woman standing in the middle of the town square...yeah.

Thoughts on Marriage - What They Mean, What They Don't Mean...

"Stuff I think about" post number 2...

Over a year has passed since same-sex marriage was legalized all across the United States.  I wrote a post about the new opportunities that we'd have as a church and as a nation, to simply reach out and embrace those who might choose that route and just show more respect.  I certainly had my own reasons to celebrate.  I wasn't mourning like some thought I should be.  I was genuinely happy.

Every once in a while, however, this topic circles around and haunts me.  I have to keep re-evaluating where I stand, what God has told me, and how to keep that in my view while I adapt to the changing political climate and have more and more friends and acquaintances pairing off in same-sex relationships and/or deciding to marry.  I am very close to letting go of this topic and just living, finding out what God would have me do with my personal life and the relationships I have.  But even so, I've had the opportunity to narrow things down and find out what's really bothering me.  Maybe things have changed, or maybe the same thing has been bothering me all along.

It's not a secret that people have different views on marriage, more specifically, among members of the Church (and I realize marriage has already been redefined legally...so read this in past tense if you wish).  Most of the time, it seems like people are coming from all sorts of different angles.  We rarely disagree on the exact same thing...it's more like we're not even talking about the same thing when we think we are.  In other words, a voice that is opposed to same-sex marriage isn't always the exact opposite as a voice that is for it.  I was prepared to deal with these kind of differences among different faiths and with those who had decided to choose that path, but I wasn't prepared to deal with it among other faithful members (it brought a whole new perspective to Elder Oaks' talk "Loving Others and Living with Differences"...I really thought he was talking about different churches).  Since I am caught in the middle, I do sometimes wonder what the larger LGBT Mormon community and their allies think of me and others like me.  Do they really understand me?  What on earth would possess a gay guy to stand behind traditional marriage?  It's not like I don't know what it's like to be gay, or that I'm like some average straight homophobe who thinks gays are ruining society.

There are many compelling, logical and sensible reasons to advocate for same-sex marriage.  And do you know what?  I understand them.  I don't disagree with them.  If I had my way, I'd be right on board with all of it.  In fact, I was to begin with.

My stance doesn't mean I want to force my morals on others (and I don't think that's what the Church wants to do either).  It doesn't mean I'm anti-agency.  It doesn't mean I want to keep others from finding happiness (jealousy aside).  It doesn't mean I want to deny marriage rights to LGB individuals (well...we've always had the right to marry, just not to each other...of the same sex...sometimes I think it would be cool to marry a lesbian or a transgender man...anyway...).  It doesn't mean I'm for inequality...there's just disagreement about what equality is (I mean really...why would I say that about myself?)  It's not because I want to marry a woman, nor does it mean that I want to remain single for the rest of my life.  It doesn't mean that I won't attend a same-sex wedding and do the best I can to stand by any friends who choose that (and let's acknowledge how difficult that would be...it's not like there's a big part of me that doesn't want that).

The prime reason, for me, is faith...Faith that I have a Heavenly Father who can see the big picture and who has prophets on the earth who can see some of that big picture...more than I can.  Of course they're not perfect.  They don't claim to be.  Yet I see a distinction between cultural mishaps about homosexuality and pure doctrine that (may) affect the world as a whole.  Sure, I don't have to worry about disciplinary action if I were to advocate for same-sex marriage.  That's great.  But does it really change anything?  I've looked into books and articles to study more on this topic, but the important part is my faith.  That's it.  That's all.  No need to attach anything political to it.

This is why it hurts to see the terms "marriage equality," or "Mormons for marriage (redefined)" from fellow Latter-day Saints.  I feel like it automatically paints me as a hateful enemy, a gay rebel (as opposed to an "ally"), when really I was just trying to follow the prophet as well as the things I have prayed about.  Satan works on me all the time to get me to believe those lies.  I hope this illustrates how difficult it can be for some of us, and the same probably goes for some other well-meaning members of the Church.

Just like my gayness sometimes puts me in a difficult position with other members of the Church, my feelings about marriage puts me in a difficult position with the larger LGBT community and their allies.  There are times when I want to be accepted more fully in the LGBT community, not just for my personal lifestyle choices (well...in discussing this topic I could still be in a same-sex relationship for all I care.  Ironic, huh?), but also with the understand that I've received some different answers about marriage and it's overall purpose.  I don't know everything, but I just have faith.

Anyway, I hope this may clear up any misconceptions and provide more understanding as to where I come from.  It's not to say that those who don't share my feelings are wrong.  I don't mean to judge.  I just wanted to share how this topic reflects on me, and what it puts me through sometimes, or as I've learned recently, what I put myself through.

Falling in Love

For the past year, I've been focusing on getting healthy.  I can say I'm health-IER, but healthy habits take a long time to catch on to.  I'm an emotional eater, so as you could imagine, trying to eat healthier has uncovered some new and different emotions I didn't even know were there.  Granted, it's been physically wonderful.  I no longer feel achy in my joints, my arms don't hit my sides when I'm walking and I'm much more alert in the mornings that I used to be.  And running?  It's actually fun!  However, some of the emotional baggage is still there, and I'm working through it.






In my posts, I tend to talk about the "big picture" kind of stuff, like the Church in general or the LGBT/SSA faithful Mormon community in general.  I even get rather passionate about defending the Church and the apostles.  But I haven't spent too much time on what it's like to be me...a typical day in the life of Alex.  As a part of getting healthy, I've seen a need to be more authentic, not just on-line (can't get much more there...), but in my real, in-person life.  I'm not seeking for advice, nor for pity.  I just want to share what it's like.






I've mentioned several times that I have a testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.  Because of circumstances surrounding me, I had to gain my own testimony of The Family: A Proclamation to the World.  I feel like I understand the main purposes of marriage and the law of chastity.  It's simply a truth that I've accepted and I feel like I understand why it's that way.






I have been blessed with some wonderful friendships on my journey in reconciling my sexuality and my faith.  These connections are no accident, and I know that God meant for us to be in each others' lives.  I have one friend I've gotten close to.  We just hit it off.  Our interests are similar, yet different enough (it might be a while before I watch some of his scary movies!).  And something I value very much is our mutual testimony of God's eternal plan, including that of eternal families and the way God has organized man on earth.






Since I have a testimony, and since I strive to keep the commandments, I thought, for some reason, that I'd somehow be exempt from ever falling in love.





That hasn't been the case.

There came a time where, with a certain amount of heartbreak, I realized, "This is probably where a heterosexual couple would probably start thinking about marriage."  The thought just hit me all of the sudden.  Some pieces started coming together in my mind...an "aha" moment.  I always thought I could separate emotional and spiritual intimacy and never have to deal with the romantic and sexual desires.  But now I understand; I can now see how all of it is "supposed to" work together and point towards the marital union and procreation.  This revelation indeed tugs at the heartstrings.  I've started to notice married or dating heterosexual couples a little bit more.  I see them holding hands in the Celestial Room, kissing each other hello or goodbye, or simply putting their arms around one another at church or at a movie.  It never used to bother me, but now there's a little sting to it.  I'm comfortable with non-sexual, physical affection with my guy friends (and yes, it probably would wig some people out), but my heart sinks a little when I realize that it probably will never have the same meaning as with heterosexual couples. 

 

I used to deny this analogy, or at least try to explain my way around it, but to be honest, it is almost like a straight guy falling in love with a woman, but never being able to "go all the way."  I probably would marry a man if it made sense biologically and spiritually, but it doesn't.  I just know it doesn't work that way.  While this is a heart-wrenching experience, I'm also grateful for the ability to recognize these feelings.  They help me more fully understand the feelings that lead towards marriage and family in a typical, heterosexual situation.  I just happen to have those feelings largely for men instead of women.  I sometimes carry some shame around the fact that I fell in love with someone (and that I have a crush on a lot of men...).  I sometimes wonder if I did something wrong or if I haven't been faithful enough, but I'm learning to just accept it.  It is what it is.  I didn't choose these feelings, but I can choose what I do with them.  I could ignore them, which hasn't served me well in the past, or I can bridle them and act on them in the bound the Lord has set.






I actually do not know where to go from here.  Nothing is for sure, and no path is clear.  I do know that sometimes we have to take a step out in the darkness before the Holy Ghost can shine the way.  I know some people believe that there are only two options for gay members of the Church if they wish to remain in full fellowship: that they either have to fake their way in a heterosexual marriage, or that they have to live a lonely life as a single person.  I do not believe this is true.  I know plenty of gay men who have married women who genuinely love their wives and have some great sex, and yet they still have needs for emotional and spiritual intimacy with other men.  Even straight guys need other guys...I just think it's to a greater extent for those who experience SSA.  As far as singles go, I don't think we have to be lonely and miserable if we're single. 

I've been reading about friendship a lot lately, and how it has been far too outweighed by marital/romantic love in our culture.  Friendship is something that can be elevated, celebrated and recognized.  I even think the celibate partnership option might work for some.  Aside from potential temptations, I can totally imagine the possibility of a life partner while waiting for and working toward all the blessings of exaltation.  I feel like I have options.  Some of them might look edgy for Mormon/Christian culture.  I'm certainly not going to sever relationships with people I'm attracted to.  Avoiding these relationships might be the first "go-to" suggestion, but maintaining these friendships actually helps me refrain from acting out in unhealthy ways, even if it is at the risk of falling in love.  I'm just doing the best with what I've been given, and it's ultimately between me and the Lord, regardless of what others might think, say or do.  I have hope for a future in the gospel (or at least I try to).

This last Sunday, I was once again grateful to be reminded of where my priorities should be in life.  I was reminded of my covenants, and the safety to be found in keeping them.  I was reminded that I am not a lone, and that I have a Savior who understands my situation.  I was reminded that He will "never, no never forsake (Hymns, 85)."  I know He is the ultimate priority.  He is my Number One, my Before Anyone Else.  This knowledge doesn't solve everything, but it sure brings me peace.

I don't "Identify" as Gay

So this is more of a random, "stuff I think about" kind of post, and I don't know how best to write it.  I keep wondering if I should continue to share my story.  I certainly don't want this to be my most prevalent attribute, and I don't want to make it a spectacle.  But as it continues to be a hot topic, and rather polarizing, I sometimes feel like I should do my part to try and fill in some of the gaps I see in understanding.

I want to talk about terminology and identity.  Sometimes I discount them as "just words," but really, they carry a lot of weight, and they mean different things to different people.  This causes a lot of misunderstanding. Furthermore, everyone has different interpretations of what "identities" and "labels" are.  I'm not so sure there is a right way to interpret these concepts (well...unless it's completely unrelated!)  It's OK to have differing beliefs about what these words mean, but it's important to understand the reasoning behind why we use them the way we do, especially for those who actually deal with same-sex attraction (or gender identity issues, and that's a different story).  We need this understanding so that we can all be more on the same page, especially from within a faithful, gospel perspective.

First off, I already know that my gayness doesn't define me.  I already know that I am a son of God and that I have eternal potential.  I already know that He seeks to bless me with all that He has, and that I will have a wife and children in His time (and not mine or anyone else').  I already know that my Savior suffered and died for me, and that He knows and understands my various pains and mistakes.  I already know that marriage between a man and a woman has been ordained by God, and I know that He has set aside the sacred powers of procreation for specific purposes.  I already know that the family plays an important role in society.  I already know that sexual attraction doesn't equal love.  I already know that the policy change last November was to preserve unity in the homes of same-sex families and to further clarify the seriousness of homosexual behavior (and outside of that, all I can say is that I'm very much at peace with it).  I already know what Elder David Bednar meant when he said "there are no homosexuals in the Church," contrary to the way many others took it.

Whatever your objections are about the terms "gay" and "homosexual," I've probably heard them, and I probably already understand them.  If that's not apparent, I hope I can better explain where I'm coming from.

I don't identify as gay.  I identify as Alex, a son of God, a son of earthly parents, a friend, a brother to four siblings.  Yet, I still use the term, "gay."  It's simply a part of who I am, equal to many other attributes that compose who I am.  When people try to lecture me about how I shouldn't "label" myself, they might as well say, "Your not bald, your a son of God!  Don't label yourself like that!"  I know full well what they mean, but that's what it sounds like.

Some people think "gay" refers only to sexual behavior or a decision to pursue that kind of lifestyle.  That's OK, but others, like me, need to be better understood.  There was a time when acknowledging "I'm gay" was actually something very healing.  It helped me start peeling more layers of the shame I had surrounding my feelings.  I know that it's been a necessary stage for many others as well.  Now, that term has kind of taken a back seat.  It's not as big of a deal, yet it's still important.  Being gay, for me, encompasses so much more than sexual attraction.  Maybe calling it "sexual orientation" is an understatement.  I can also call it "emotional orientation" or "spiritual orientation."  In fact, sexual attraction or sexual pleasure is very low on my list of things to do.  I'm not constantly lusting or wanting sex.  I know many people think this is all gay people want, but it's really not important in my book.  This terminology also describes many other aspects of who I am.

For me, being gay includes the genuine love and admiration I have for other men.  Yes, I think a lot of guys are attractive physically.  There's nothing wrong with appreciating the good looks of God's creations!  But it goes deeper than that.  I find other guys' devotion to God attractive.  I love having other friends who are gay, and who also share similar perspectives and goals in relation to the gospel.  In fact, seeing my other fabulous friends striving to keep their covenants actually makes them MORE attractive to me!  This is true also with celibate gay people from other religious denominations.  I compare my version of being gay to the relationship between David and Jonathan in the Book of Samuel, or the relationship between Jesus Christ and John the Beloved.  I've mentioned this a few times before, but I can imagine Christ holding my hand, giving me hugs, holding me in His arms.  The men I have in my life who are willing to do this are like an extension of what Jesus would do for me.  I value my friendships and the spiritual connections I have with other men (right now, these men consist mostly of other gay men, but I don't discriminate...).

This is why it is sometimes difficult to think that I'll be "healed" from this "affliction," or that I'm constantly "struggling" with same sex attraction.  I know what church leaders mean, and I know what others mean when they say this.  I do hope to be able to have a family at some point, but for me, that oversimplifies what it means for me to "be gay."  It's not just a struggle or an infirmity.  It's a blessing, a call to love in special and unique ways.  It is indeed part of my eternal identity as a son of God.

Some may not agree with what "gay" means to me.  I understand where they are coming from, and I hope I can be understood as well.

It's All About Jesus!

This Christmas, I am thankful for the simple reminders that it's all about Jesus.

"What shall I give Him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a Lamb.
If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part.
Yet, what I can, I give him: give my heart."
...................................................................................
"What shall we give to the Lamb who was offered,
Rising the third day and shedding His love?
Tears for His mercy, we'll weep at the manger,
Bathing the Infant come down from above." 
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"Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above!"
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"Then let us all with one accord
Sing praises to our heavenly Lord,
That He this glorious earth hath wrought,
And with His blood mankind hath bought."

For the past little while, I've been wondering what it means to give my heart to the Lord...as a gay Mormon.  In the young adult crowd of the Church, a lot of emphasis is placed on marriage.  That is very understandable, as we are to multiply and replenish the earth.  But it's hard to hear all the time, not possessing all the feelings that naturally lead to that.  I greatly appreciate the shifting conversations surrounding same-sex attraction and single adults in general (I acknowledge that there are some gay people who are married...to members of the opposite sex, and it's sad that I now have to specify that when I say "marriage"...but I speak more from my own experience).

Sometimes I still let thoughts of shame creep in when it comes to marriage.  These thoughts sometimes come from my own self-criticisms, but they also come from the cultural influences around me.  To be honest, I currently have very little desire to be married to a woman.  For some reason, I always thought marriage was inseparably connected with being a follower of Christ.  I thought that giving my heart to the Lord would always mean working towards marriage, or even developing the desire to be married.  But I was wrong, or at least I hope I was.

I've seen this picture (to the right) passed around a lot lately.  It's meant a lot to me, especially at this Christmas time.  Christ doesn't want my marriage.  He doesn't want my "straightness."  He wants my heart.  I still don't always know what it means to give my heart to Jesus, but just the very thought gives me peace.  I've half-heartedly been saying that I'm open to the idea of marriage, but I'm also open to developing relationships with other ga/uy friends, or maybe even some sort of covenant partnership with a man I love.  It might look like "playing with fire" to many, and it may be hard in that regard, but with an eternal perspective and with my testimony, it actually makes sense to me.  I haven't received a clear answer with this, which usually means I have to take action...and I don't like it when that's the answer!  But either way, I know that the Lord, and my resolve to keep my covenants, needs to come first.  I need to continually give Him my heart, even if I need to make that decision every day.

This Christmas, I am once again grateful for the reminders to keep Christ at the center of my life.  I need to slow down, minimize distractions and allow myself to feel of His love communicate with my spirit.  I need to accept myself and remember that at each and every moment, I am enough for Him.  I appreciate and close with the words of Elder D. Todd Christofferson from the December 2015 Ensign:

"I hope you will take time this Christmas season to sit for a few quiet moments and let the Savior's Spirit warm you and reassure you of the worthiness of your service, your offering and your life."

Gods in Embryo

 I've been reading a couple books by Sister M. Catherine Thomas, who spoke at the 2015 North Star conference. She shares some wonderful thoughts and insights about how we are all "Gods in embryo" and that we each possess various pieces of divinity. There is so much to eternity and in the spirit world around us that we cannot see, understand or comprehend. Last night, in her book, "Light in the Wilderness," I read some passages about how there are wonderful, amazing things going on around us in the Spirit World that our mortal minds cannot perceive. She quotes Elder Bruce R. McConkie, who spoke to a group of BYU students (1964):

"...this great fieldhouse in which we are assembled is full of revelation at this moment.  All the revelations of eternity are here, but you and I who have assembled in the devotional are probably not receiving them.  This fieldhouse is full of the visions of eternity, and yet we are not viewing visions at this moment, but we could...Now analogously, this great fieldhouse is full of great symphonies.  There are symphonies played here, and our ears are not hearing them.  There are sermons that are being preached, but we do not hear them.  Yet if we had the means and the ability, we could tune in and hear the symphonies and see the visions."

As I was reading this, and considering the fact that we all have the potential to become like God, something struck me that has resonated with me for many months now. Many aspects of my gayness/SSA may very well be a part of my eternal identity. I do understand that I will have the opportunity to marry a woman and have a family at some point.  I cannot currently fathom how that will come to pass, but for the time being, I can't discount other relationships or other forms of love. Sure, just like most people, I've had to work on conquering lust, pornography, codependency and other unhealthy habits associated with sexuality. But underneath it all, I believe, is a pure, God-like love for other men that I can and should cultivate (I'm good at talking about this on-line, but actually putting it into practice is another venture).

I remember always looking at my SSA as something to hide or overcome...as in work on relationships with girls and being attracted to them. I remember telling myself what I should and shouldn't feel in regards to feelings towards men vs. women. I remember beating myself up when I didn't have the same feelings for girls as I did for boys. Trying to change my sexual orientation led me to depression, anxiety and further indulgence in bad habits.

In recent months and years, I've come to realize that I have this attribute for a reason; not to give in to worldly lusts and behaviors, but as something to explore and learn about, something to use to strengthen my testimony and something to use to bring others to Christ. I feel like I've been enabled to do this so far through keeping my covenants and remaining active in church and in the gospel (and I attribute this to the hand of God in my life).

I've had several experiences with other gay/SSA guys, whether it be in the temple, giving priesthood blessings, or doing other worthwhile activities, where there is a distinct feeling of love: a love for God and and a love for each other. I don't think this exact feeling of love would be there were it not for our experiences with SSA. I've had other experiences that have testified to me (amidst the loud, tumultuous noises that come from the world) that there IS something pure and holy about all this. There has to be something more than what the world teaches about these attractions (that I should abuse the powers of procreation and/or participate in the redefinition of marriage), and what many on the complete opposite end believe about SSA being a weakness or something I need to be healed from.

I've found so much healing not from "fighting" my attractions, but bridling them and getting my guy needs fulfilled in wholesome ways (a journey in and of itself!). I think it's amazing to be able to be close to a ga/uy friend and be able to talk about the gospel-centered insights we've received from our common experiences. We can even joke around a little bit and talk about people we find attractive, and it's not dangerous in the least! I can also imagine having these kinds of conversations with a loving Savior.

I share this because sometimes I think there is a lot of shame surrounding SSA, and any struggle people have with their sexuality, for that matter. SSA feelings might shift for some. Sexuality might be more fluid for some and hardwired for others (I'm no expert), but I just wanted to share some thoughts in hopes that this might help someone to come to better terms with themselves, as a son or daughter of God with eternal potential, who just so happens to be blessed with an extra dose of love for other guys or gals, respectively.