Latter-day Pioneers - New Trails

Today marks the end of another weekend of Pioneer Day concerts with the Tabernacle Choir and the Orchestra at Temple Square.  This year, we had our very dear friend, Sissel, join us as our guest artist.  I was serving the Family and Church History mission at the time she came to perform at the Christmas concerts in 2006, before auditioning for the Choir was even on my radar.  The following year, I fell in love with the album as it was released.  She not only has the voice of an angel; she is an angel and carries a special spirit with her when she performs.

Typically, our summer concerts contain a few pioneer songs followed by a main program consisting usually of show tunes and other fun pieces reminiscent of the summer season.  However, this one stayed focused on the Pioneer spirit and on the goodness and grace of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  The messages of the songs and the spoken narration touched my heart in many ways.

While he was introducing the program, Lloyd Newel talked about the Pioneers, the persecution they faced, and their trek west to a new home in the Salt Lake valley.  Sissel talked about the prayers of the pioneers and the tribulation they went through.  She sang a beautiful and very well-received piece, "Slow Down," all about listening to the "still, small voice" that speaks to our hearts.  She also talked about pioneers who yearn for freedom, a new start and the chance to create something new.

In my social circles, it's common to hear about LGBT pioneers.  If you're rolling your eyes, don't worry.  I am too.  It's OK.  I get sick of some of the same old narrative.  Actually, at times I'm quite bitter with some voices out there.  I'll just be honest and put that out there.  However, I think it's a given to say that LGBT people, along with many others who are "different" have experienced hardship and mockery from multiple angles, similar to that of early Latter-day Saints.  I haven't experienced as much grief as others.  I started learning about myself at about the same time the Church started publishing more material on same-sex attraction.  Most of my negativity came from my own internalized messages.

At this weekend's concerts, some of the words spoken and lyrics sung had a direct relation to my experience.  I've felt a yearning to break free from many expectations, stereotypes, the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts."  This applies to aspects of Christian culture as well as what now feels like "the LGBT script."  Either way, it means leaning less on the arm of flesh and more on God and my own heart.  Latter-day Saints and other Christians who are gay have an opportunity to press forward and create something new, especially within the context of sacred covenants.  It's an opportunity to forge new trails and build unique communities.  I don't quite know what that looks like.  Part of it, for me, includes a freedom of self-expression.

It's common to hear "don't act on it," in regards to same-sex attraction...kind of a black and white thing to say.  On the flip side, the black and white bleeds over into LGBT culture ("The Church won't let you love...won't let you be yourself...").  I've recently been made aware of the many ways I do act on or otherwise express my sexuality.  Exercising and taking care of my body can be an expression of my sexuality.  Spending time and exchanging affection with my friends can be an expression of my sexuality.  I haven't had a big eye for fashion, but a couple of friends recently took me shopping for fancy clothes for an upcoming event.  I realized I had been living under this rock of "conservative dress" standards and that yes, it's ok to spice things up a bit and feel sexy!  That can be an expression of my sexuality.

One of our final songs was "Hymn to Freedom..."

When every hand joins every hand, and together joins our destiny
That's when we'll be free.

When we sang that song, I didn't think of the "freedom to marry" or "sexual freedom," but the freedom to be myself, to discover more of what makes me tick, the freedom to express myself, and the freedom to...quite literally...hold hands.

"Gay Equality" and the Church

This topic frustrates me, probably like it does others, only from varying angles.  I want to say something like, "What the world doesn't want you to know...," or "What I have to say is unpopular."  It seems in society we have to be part of some minority or be "unpopular" in order to have a something valid to say.  But I understand this is a touchy subject and that there are several understandable and valid perspectives out there.

This is mine.

I feel like I'm in some sort of minority, but I don't know if that's true.  Perhaps it depends on what social circles we're talking about.

Thing is...in many ways, I'm already an equal in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

-First off, and most importantly I'm already in equal in that I'm a son of God.  I'm His child just like anyone else.  Something I like is thinking "I am..." and letting the silence speak for itself.  Underneath all labels, everything associated with this mortal existence, I am...

-I have equal access to all the blessings of the gospel.  If it's true that in eternity, every blessing will be mine, then there it is.  I don't understand how it will all work out.  If I don't have a wife and children in the eternities, I'm sure the Celestial Kingdom will have an *equal* amount of blessings for me.  Whatever those are.

-No one has ever denied me the right to marry, save for being underage.  I've had equal access to the rights and blessings of marriage.  We could talk about gender, but the way this has been portrayed in some narratives...I've been denied the right to marry...like...at all.  But that's not true.  Whether it would be good for me or advisable is an entirely different story.  I've had equal access to marriage.

-I bear the Priesthood and can go forward just like any man or woman who is endowed with priesthood power.

-I can serve in the temple...I can even take part in temple sealings!  I've even been to the temple with gay friends.  Heck, I've even been applauded by a wedding entourage as I exited the Bountiful Temple one time.

-I can serve in a wide variety of church callings...some of them not, but because I am single, not because I am gay.  There are some specific callings that do require a married man or a married couple.  If you ask me...I can't say I even desire those callings.  However, I do know many a gay person who have served in leadership callings throughout the Church.

-When it comes to relationships, literally no one has ever said I can't love a man...it's been some others in the gay community who have told me that I can't "love a man" in my church.  In a world where "love is love," I'm free to love in many beautiful ways...some of which I've yet to explore.  Yes, love is love, but is love always sex and marriage?

-In a world where same-sex marriage is legal, it would be nice to have some sort of equivalent for people who believe in marriage as outlined in the Family Proclamation.  As I've mentioned in other posts, I've loved learning about the idea of wedded brotherhood and promise-bound friendships.  I get the argument about legal protections, and who knows?  Maybe if our leaders can see enough couples being chaste together they'll be ok with time-only marriages for legal reasons.  But...does it have to be marriage?  Do we have to get married in order to see ourselves as equal?

I understand that in Utah and some other states, they gave up on civil unions/domestic partnerships because same-sex marriage was legalized.  Did those who pushed for gay marriage believe they were helping all gay people, or all gay people who wanted to be partnered?  Are there going to be any allies advocating for changes in culture...to allow for friendship and brotherhood to be rekindled in religious traditions?  Or is it just going to continue to be a push for marriage to be redefined?  Some have used the argument of "separate but equal."  Well...that's what I want.  I might want my relationships to be equal in value and importance as that of marriage, but it's not marriage.  It's something different.  I want it to be that way.

-I believe that...aside from the cultural baggage, we could be really close to realizing same-sex relationships, partnerships, friendships...whatever you want to call...as valuable and worth celebrating, even within the context of man-woman marriage and the law of chastity.

Are there things that can improve for gay people in the Church all around?  Of course.  Are there cultural hurdles to get over?  Definitely.  I just like pointing out all the good things that are happening.

So anyway.  I just wanted to share some of my thoughts on this.  It's fairly common for me to come across posts from people who are waiting for "gay equality" in the Church.  There's a lot I don't know.  I'm becoming increasingly open to uncertainty.  But for me, "equality" is already here.  I'm not defined by my sexuality nor my relationship status.  Those things are pretty powerful and important in ones life, but I'm already equal because I am a loved son of God, serving in His kingdom and trying to serve and love those around me.

Will I be "Straight" in the Next Life?

Some church leaders have stated that same-sex attraction did not exist in the pre-mortal world and that it won't exist in the eternities.  I mean it makes sense to believe this.  Since our society is basically built upon men and women having sex and growing and replenishing the earth, same-sex attraction can only be a mortal condition, something that is a result of living in a Fallen world, right?  

However, I believe that this view is overly focused on sexual attraction.  I'm not sure if church leaders and others are considering the other aspects of attraction, connection and intimacy when they say such things.  I have no idea what sexual attraction will be like in the eternities.  I don't know if it will even exist.

I could log on to the Church's website and find several talks where it is stated that blessings not realized in this life will be realized in the next life.  This is most commonly used when it comes to getting married, having children, or perhaps having a fully-functioning body.  I still believe this.  If it's in God's plan for me to have a wife and kids...or even if it's not, I'm sure a Celestial glory is far more beautiful than I can comprehend.

But I don't equate that with being "straight."

See, there are plenty of characteristics and blessings that come along with being gay.  The list is long; some of it including being sensitive, feminine, masculine, artistic, an eye for beauty and design, ability to admire and form connections and intimacy with other men...several attributes that would lend to being a great husband and father.  Some people try to separate sexual attractions from these other attributes as if they're mutually exclusive.  Yet I doubt I would have all these other qualities without the sexual attractions.  It's all part of the package (pun partially intended...if you get gay jokes).

Some might refer to Ether 12:27: ...for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them...like...as if same-sex attraction, at its core is a weakness that will eventually become a strength.  Lust, pornography & masturbation can be weaknesses; so can eating problems, pride, envy and a whole host of other issues.  For me, same-sex attraction is a state of being.  It's not a weakness to be compared to alcoholism or even sex addiction; it's a strength that has been waiting to be uncovered.  Or if you rather...it's been a vehicle for me to learn what my strengths are.  

It's strange.  It's complicated, and it's understandable that there are a variety of philosophies on this.

But really...who knows for sure?  I don't.

I just know that there's plenty about being gay that I hope to take with me into the next life.  Even if I do have a wife and kids, I certainly hope to have deep, connected relationships with my brothers.  This is why I believe "same-sex attraction" could very well be a part of my eternal identity.  We might not hear such things over the pulpit or taught in standard church materials.  I don't think we need to be told, but part of the reason we don't hear it might be because our society is so dang focused on SEX!  And our world perpetuates that focus.  Just by claiming that being gay is part of my eternal identity, some might picture me with a husband.  That's not what I'm getting at.  A partner who remains a friend in the eternal scheme? Quite possibly.

As I said, I have no idea how sexuality works in the eternities.  But here and now, my attractions...yes, including sexual attractions...do contribute to the emotional energy needed to do things I enjoy, like exercising, taking care of myself, building relationships, relating to God, and everything else that makes up this human experience.

My Other Brothers

It's getting to be a very awkward position to be in...the experience of being gay and at the same time affirming a traditional view of marriage and sexuality. I've noticed that things in the LDS LGBT world can be very polarizing and hurtful, with a lot of drama over same-sex marriage, the law of chastity, liking Pride and not liking Pride, conversion therapy, waiting for the Church to receive "the Revelation" that gays can get married...oh excuse me...to each other...excuse me again...to a member of the same sex (I mean...no one has ever barred me from the blessings of marriage...no one...I could marry a gay woman too...gays getting married in the temple...), etc.  Since sexuality, although not *who* we are, seems to be near the *core* of our existence, it's understandable why there can be frequent clashing.

However, I felt like I had a break from all of that as I attended the second annual retreat with Your Other Brothers (YOB).  It's a group of Christian men, from a variety of denominations, who experience same-sex attraction.  We are a community of brothers supporting each other in honoring and living in a manner that respects the traditional view of marriage and sexuality.  That is, we respect marriage to be between a man and a woman and that sexual relations are to be kept within that union.  I feel like many in our world view that as an intense restriction, yet I'm gradually learning about the freedom that comes along with keeping covenants with God, however imperfect we may be at it.  This doesn't rule out the potential of being tempted or making mistakes.  But that's why we're here.

These brothers have differing views on terminology, and understandably so.  But there was a unity and understanding as we explained what we meant.  It was beautiful.

Several of these men are married to women and have children.  Others are carving out a joyful life singly and lending their time and talents to their faith groups and developing friendships.  I had a good conversation with one brother about the possibilities of celibate partnership.  I also learned of a group of brothers (gay and straight) buying a piece of land together and living in Christian community.  God's law is not a cage.  It seems to me like striving to be chaste opens up so many more ways of living and loving; ways that aren't (quite yet) talked about in church.

Since we have understandable (although small) differences in our theology, I felt more comfortable sharing what I believe.  I felt like I could share my testimony of what Latter-day Saints view as the Family Proclamation, AND testify of how I felt my own attractions can still fit in with that context.  I felt like I could do this without having to walk on eggshells trigger someone.

During this retreat, we had five breakout groups, each named after the core values of YOB: Hope, Humility, Brotherhood, Courage and Vulnerability.  I was in Vulnerability, symbolized by the feather on the stone pictured here.

Probably my favorite moment of the weekend was sitting in a circle with our small groups for testimony sharing.  These brave men shared about their varied experiences as gay Christians.  They also shared how they have been touched by the Savior and His Atonement.  I have a ton of respect for these brothers.  Being from Utah, I tend to hear a lot about my church being among the most "anti-gay," yet many of these brothers have been through much more than I have or what I have seen in my faith community.

We find ourselves in a unique position.  At least this is something I feel.  I've often said that I feel more at home in my faith community than in the LGBT community.  My beliefs do align more with my church, but I still have a need to love and be close to men.  In many ways, we understand the experience of dealing with same-sex attraction, and we also understand Christian doctrine.  I know I struggle building bridges directly with the LGBT community, but perhaps just by being a little more vulnerable and real at church, I can be a bridge so hearts will be softened and greater understanding will come.

I'm not in a position to change doctrine.  I don't even want it at this point.  I don't want to be lumped in with that mindset.  Many gay people, even some in same-sex relationships, do believe in and affirm a traditional Christian teaching on marriage.  I've also been in a process of separating myself from the "identities" around being gay.  But if describing myself as "gay" will bring teaching opportunities...opportunities to teach about my religion...or opportunities to teach my religion about this experience...I will gladly do so.

I have found that I need my community.  I need my community of brothers and sisters dealing with similar circumstances, but free from challenges to our core doctrines and beliefs.  When I get that cup filled, I'm better able to relate with and love those who choose differently.

It's often said that "love is love."  I feel like I live in a world where that is twisted to mean "love = sex and marriage," (yes, even in conservative Christian churches).  I am more than willing the celebrate the love that can exist in a same-sex relationship or marriage, even if I disagree on how it is expressed.  Yet there is more love out there to be had.  I am grateful to have found this community of brothers, who are on the cutting edge of discovering what love can be.  As I often say, God didn't create me to have sex with men, He created me to love them in deep and passionate ways.  I don't always know what that looks like, but I'm willing to keep on exploring.

Conversion Therapy? Or Just Other Ways of Being Gay?

…Or simply other ways of being?

I’ve had something on my mind, and I’ve recently read, viewed and listened to various perspectives on it.  Here are bits and pieces of my perspective.  Take it or leave it.  Add it to the zillions of other perspectives there are on it.  I’m no professional, and I don’t speak for the LGBT community.  They (whoever “they” are) don’t speak for me either.  Quite frankly, I often feel talked over.

It seems like we’ve struggled to define what sexuality really is, what gay means, what equality means, what homophobic means, what bigoted means etc.  It seems like a human habit of trying to squeeze everything into a nice little box and make logical sense out of it.  “Conversion therapy” is no exception.  I’m saying all this as one who does not like viewing my sexuality as something that is broken and needs to be fixed.  I have other broken parts of me, but it’s not this.  However, I still have something to say.

I’ve seen billboards and other correspondence from Equality Utah saying, “Conversion therapy is still happening,” depicting a heart-wrenching picture of a sad and confused young gay teen (I don’t say confused because he’s gay, but because it’s a very difficult position to be in).  I have concerns.  One of my worries is that members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will see this and equate it with “the way” to be active and faithful in the Church.  I worry that they will see those in mixed-orientation marriages as having undergone “conversion therapy.”  I worry that they will see people like me, gay, single and willing to pursue relationships in a chaste manner as having undergone “conversion therapy.”  On the flip side, I worry that opponents of “conversion therapy” actually DO see all these things as “conversion therapy” and therefore seek to ban the resources we have to help us live according to our beliefs.

I think the struggle is…what the heck is “conversion therapy?”  This can also be called “reparative therapy.”

There seems to be several different definitions of it.  I see various debates and conversations about it, and I wonder, “Are we talking about the same thing?”  My interpretations can be thrown in with the rest of the confusion.  I view it as intentionally trying to change sexual orientation.  Hence why I believe this view of “conversion therapy” is not synonymous with living a life in the gospel.  However, I also am not a fan of trying to put my orientation and/or experiences in a nice little gay box and saying, “You must live this way, and if not, then you will live an isolated life of loneliness or go against your nature and marry a woman (like your church wants you to).”

I’m learning that the term “conversion therapy” could very well be a large umbrella term for a wide variety of ways people deal with same-sex attraction.  For some, “reparative” means “repairing” the shame one has accumulated around their sexual feelings.  It means accepting them and observing them.  It means moving away from them being such a controlling force in their lives and seeing themselves as a whole being.  To me, that doesn’t sound like fixing same-sex attraction.  Therefore, I wonder why it’s called “conversion” or “reparative” therapy.  It sounds like building upon one’s view of themselves and gaining a positive self-image, even if that includes a positive view of their sexuality.  They may still choose to act on them sexually, but having had a more healthy view of them. I know some people experience a shift in their attractions once they work through the shame and fear they had.  Many of the same things could be said for people who experience opposite-sex attraction.  I mean…have you seen how much value our society places on genital sexual expression???

Some people see “conversion therapy” as transitioning out of a hook-up habit or out of a homosexual-sexual lifestyle.  I personally don’t see that as “conversion therapy,” especially if the person still experiences same-sex attraction.  Yet others do.  Can you see why there is confusion?

Some see “conversion therapy” as anything that doesn’t affirm same-sex marriage and sexual relations as moral and approved by God.

I’ve talked about my explorations with masculinity, physical affection and meeting my needs for men in ways that do not involve sex.  Some people see that as “conversion therapy.”  I simply see it as me acting on my God-given attractions in ways that are healthy and in line with my beliefs.  Yes, it does reduce the intensity of my sexual attractions, but I just see it as moving beyond that attraction and being the son of God I am meant to be who loves and needs men.  It’s not a love that avoids the physical appeal of a person.  It’s a love that includes that and much more.

Can you see why I am confused?  Can you understand why conversations surrounding “reparative therapy” can be so sensitive, heated and unproductive?  I believe part of it may be that we’re not even talking about the same thing.  It’s like flippantly saying “I don’t agree with homosexuality,” without any explanation as to what that means!  I can’t draw any conclusions. I can’t say if I’m “for” or “against” anything.  I just know I don’t like viewing my same-sex attraction as something that needs to be fixed. I’m just pointing out how nuanced this whole topic is.

On a more personal note, I just finished reading A Bigger World Yet: Faith, Brotherhood, & Same-Sex Needs, by Tim Timmerman.  Yeah, he talks about how he believes same-sex attraction is a result of various unmet male needs as a child and how we’ve sexualized those needs.  He talks about masculinity, the feelings of not being “man” enough.  That is the premise of a lot of what is seen as “conversion therapy.”  

I certainly relate with most of what he wrote about.  I simply don’t believe I can connect everything in my childhood to my same-sex attraction.  For all I know, I was born with it. 

I can resonate with many of those concepts while simultaneously believing that many aspects of my same-sex attraction are part of my eternal identity.  In other words, it’s OK to believe I was “born this way” and still believe God expects me to use it in certain ways.  My go to statement is, “Even if I do have a wife and children in this life or the next, I still expect to have some very deep and intimate relationships with men.”  This is why I believe my same-sex attraction is something that came with me from Heaven.

Reading Tim’s book and other things like it hasn’t changed my sexuality.  It’s broadened my perspective of it.  In fact, I have a healthy level of irritation with our society as a whole, both in the Church and “the world.”  We’ve taken brotherly (or sisterly) connection and intimacy and turned them into a romantic/sexual thing.  I mean big big BIG time.  The reason many gay people want to get married (to a member of the same-sex) is because as a society, we’ve made marriage the crowning relationship as if no other relationship matters.  Sex is also blown out of proportion. I believe we’ve either vilified or celebrated the act of sex to a point where all roads supposedly lead to genital sexual expression in order to be a healthy human.  This isn’t to discount the amazing power of sexual feelings, but I think we’ve added undue focus on them.

We talk about Burt and Ernie being gay, Frodo and Sam, Abe Lincoln and Joshua Speed, sometimes even Jesus and John the Beloved get thrown in there, and assume those relationships were sexual in nature. Maybe they experienced attractions toward each other, but perhaps that was more accepted and normal in their day. I know there’s a line of thought that describes sexuality as being how we relate to everyone, but I mean romantically and sexually. 

I’ve lived under this fear that I shouldn’t be close to a man because I’ll eventually want to or have sex.  I’ve believed in a fear that once those sexual feelings start, there’s no controlling them.  Pants will fall off and sex will just happen!  Yet it’s that exact fear that has been detrimental to me.  It’s kept me isolated and afraid of being open with someone.
 Yeah, mistakes may happen.  It’s a risk.  Being vulnerable, or “emotionally naked,” with 
someone has its risks.  But I’d rather take risks to find connection than be isolated and miserable.  It’s just a matter of accepting that the risk of a “slip up” exists.  It de-mystifies the sexual aspect for some reason.

In short, men should be able to hug, hold each other, sleep with each other (like…share a bed, even affectionately) hold hands and even KISS each other without having any sexual connotations attached to it.  This is true of any man regardless of how they classify their sexuality.  Yet what does society think? SEX!!!  Granted, I don’t feel like I can just snuggle up to any old straight guy, partially because there’s this wall of homophobia (in 
this case...that means “afraid of looking gay”).  There has to be mutual connection and a desire to be close.  

Mr. Timmerman says, “During most of the 19th century it wasn’t necessary for any of the men to distinguish their motives because there were no fear or anxiety around the issue of sleeping with another man.  In a culture where there was almost no context for homosexuality, the assumption would have been, ‘Of course there is no chance of that being sexual.’  I don’t even think the question would have arisen.  Our assumption today of two men sleeping together is, ‘Of course that’s sexual.’ We are in a very different world indeed.”

AMEN!!!

He also writes, “In part, it seems fears around touch in the past 120 years or so, and the sexual revolution, has cost us dearly.  The great equalizer of connecting our groins with whomever we wish has not brought us closer to one another but has yet separated us further from true union and our hearts’ desires.  Historically and Biblically if we actually believed that genital activity and sex was created for the marriage bed of a man and a woman exclusively, the social stigmas about a man sleeping in the same bed as another(man) or friends of the same-sex being affectionate with each other would have nobearing.”

In a way, these concepts really blew my mind and challenged my constructs of intimacy, sexuality and connection all together. I’m still processing it all.  It’s rather freeing to know that I can be close with men…and not have to fit it all into some proscribed gay box!  Holding hands with a friend can be just that…holding hands with a friend and sharing an intimate moment.  Toward the end of the book, he mentions that we need a “resurgence of friendship.”  We need to bring back friendship as an important and recognized relationship in our society.  We need “sworn brothers” and “wedded friendships.”  He goes on to say, “Perhaps some sort of ritualistic element for friendship would be helpful for demonstrating that we take community and the building of a family in Christ seriously….Taking friendship seriously may sound very foreign to some, and yet I look back at our history in the church and see that friendship was seen as an elemental part of the structure of the church.  What I am suggesting simply was the norm.”

I anticipate that many will want to jump in and establish boundaries for people like me, but that’s not your right.  It’s mine.  Boundaries are important in any relationship, but I’m not sure we are the ones who ultimately get to define those for others.

This all may scream “conversion therapy” to some people.  So what? I don’t see it that way.  And even so, there are some aspects that can resonate all across the board.

Since I haven’t completely written off marrying a woman, and since I also am open to the idea of a relationships with men that do not involve sex, some might say, “Oh well then you’re bisexual…you must not really be gay.”  No.  That’s another attempt to throw me into another socially constructed box.  I think it’s unfair to assign someone a number on the Kinsey scale (even if they are married to a member of the opposite sex).  It’s still a very personal thing.  I acknowledge that my sexuality is somewhat fluid.  That’s always been the case.  I probably have what it takes to make a baby.  That said, another thing I’ve learned is that acknowledging this doesn’t automatically mean that I need to worry about getting married a woman.  I don’t need to pressure myself or worry about the same from others.  I could still marry a man if I really wanted to.  I could also pursue a celibate partnership with a man.  I could also be satisfied with multiple committed friends.  Either way, I do not want to be so exclusive as to not continue ministering to others like me.

I’ll probably still use the term “gay” here and there, but as I said, I don’t mean to throw myself into a box.  I like it especially when people say my church is “anti-gay.” I can pull out my inner black woman and say, “Excuse me, no you di-n’t!”  

My sexuality doesn’t define me, but the Church (and I mean the people) don’t get to say, “See? We knew it the whole time.”  There is a LOT in the Church that is based on sexual identity.  The simple fact that we see two guys holding hands and think they’re having sex is proof.  I include myself in that.  The constant worry and fear about sex is very telling as well.  While I truly believe in the divine order of marriage between a man and a woman and sexual relations being kept within those bounds, I believe many “identify” with their sexuality without really knowing it.

Anyway, there’s so much I don’t know about my own sexuality and my being as a whole.  How can I possibly define that for others?  But I’m excited to keep learning about myself and learning how I can thrive as a “gay” person in the gospel.

My Privilege, My Minority Status, My Normal

The concept of privilege, or the way our society tends to use it, is a sticky one for me.  Perhaps it hits a lot of people in different ways.  I’m not one to say that privilege doesn’t exist or that discrimination or hate crimes don’t happen.  But I also don’t think either of these things should be used to paint an entire gender, race, religion or even society as a whole.  These are all just my own thoughts and feelings.

I experience feelings of shame and helplessness when it comes to “Check your privilege.”  It’s like I’m on this rung where my perspectives are automatically less valid (or that they’re automatically validated by me just being a man).  When it comes to white male privilege, it feels like I’m being put on this fictitious pedestal only to be beaten down again to make way for those “less fortunate.”  For me it feeds my "never enough" narrative, while in reality, labels aside, I'm just trying to be a good person.  I may be more privileged in some areas and have certain blessings that others don’t.  Sometimes I feel blessed beyond what I deserve.  Others also have blessings and privileges that I don’t.  But I feel like it’s inaccurate to attribute that just to my gender and my skin tone (which is really a shade of brown…just saying).  Isn’t that kind of racist?  Not according to some, because I apparently have power.  And it doesn't count as racism if you have power...

Dave Rubin, a married gay man, once did a video in response to some cases of private bakeries electing to not do cakes specifically for same-sex marriages.  I heard him say something about “Oppression Olympics,” like there’s this competition to point out who is more oppressed or offended.  Sometimes I think, “Thank goodness I’m gay, or else I’d have to deal with being a straight white man!”  In other words, my “minority status” box is checked and I'm "safe."

I suppose we could call it victimhood.  And this is separate from people who are actual victims.  I daresay that I’ve fallen into this trap.  I tend to pull the victim card when it comes to same-sex marriage and celibate gay Christians.  I honestly don’t feel like our perspectives are very well represented, but sometimes I turn it into a privilege/oppression battle…they have marriage rights now, what a bout the rest of us?...when really it’s my anger.  Perhaps that’s the way it is for a lot of people who feel like victims.  It can be anger.  And anger is ok.

When we do have hate crimes and cases of discrimination, it seems like one end of the spectrum takes these cases and paints it across everyone and says how horribly racist, misogynist and anti-gay our society is.  On another end of the spectrum, while they abhor such crimes and acts of injustice, they see those incidents and hold responsible the people who are involved directly and indirectly, not the whole entire society.  They see the rich diversity in our society as normal.  It’s not some major progressive move.  It’s normal.  It’s the world we live in.  Of course improvements could be made, even with men (seriously...we don’t have it all together, as male privilege tends to sound).  However, I think it’s more meaningful when people are listened to on an individual, personal basis.

I remember the week when actor Jussie Smollett faked a hate crime on himself, we had an actual hate crime towards a gay man in my highly conservative state.  And you know what?  Most people here detest that sort of behavior in favor of our common humanity.  I heard a story a couple weeks ago about a gay couple who was accepted and loved in their Utah neighborhood and ward, and they had the same welcome in another Utah neighborhood.  These examples are the ones that don’t commonly make the news, but it illustrates just how many good people there are in the world.  One doesn’t have to attend a Pride parade or wave a rainbow flag to be a decent human being.

Many men had some backlash for the Gillette commercial trying to combat toxic masculinity.  I personally loved most of it.  I just didn’t like how it was attached to the #metoo movement, as if that is the sole thing that opened our eyes.  Maybe it helped someone out there.  Most of the backlash I saw was not some attempt to preserve male dominance and violence.  It was another cry to be heard and validated: “Of course we abhor harassment and violence of any kind.  We detested it before the whole #metoo movement.”  It’s not that the movement wasn’t important, but it didn’t describe how most men really are.  I personally have issues that have already led me to feel shame about being a man.  So broad-painting statements about men didn’t help.  I saw some statements like, “If this commercial offends you, you’re part of the problem.”  Shut down!  Isn’t shutting down a man’s feelings a perpetuation of toxic masculinity?  What if we listened to how he really felt?  Wouldn’t we maybe arrive at a more peaceful place?  I realize this is all more easily done in the real world and not the hell hole of social media.

I fully support women in the workplace.  I also support women in the home.  I feel like it’s built into our biology to have differing gender roles and responsibilities when it comes to family.  But that doesn’t mean anyone has to be limited.  I work in an agency where, at least in my role in the budget world, the women far outweigh the men.  There are several women in leadership as well, and we’re all paid based on a uniform scale.  So sometimes I wonder “what’s the problem?”  This doesn’t mean there aren’t problems elsewhere.  I’ve been in situations before where I felt specific women were being overruled on a consistent basis, and sometimes it was being done by other women.  I’m sorry I didn’t do more, and I have learned.  I appreciate the feminists who advocate for women at work and those who choose to be stay-at-home moms.  In relation to the Gillette ad, I remember seeing some dismissal of the perspectives of “stay-at-home Mormon moms,” as if their perspectives didn’t count.  

When it comes to women in the Church and the restoration of the Gospel, I never felt superior in any way.  I’m sure I couldn’t possibly understand.  But it seems like women are all across the board on this too.  I do have the Priesthood, and I probably don’t express gratitude for it or use it as much as I should.  But I never saw it as a status symbol.  It was a responsibility.  One of my questions is…if everyone held the Priesthood…why would we even need the Priesthood?  Why would it be valuable?  I don’t know the answer, but it does cause me to seek more light and knowledge about what the Priesthood even is.  Never once did I think that here and now, a woman couldn’t call down the blessings of heaven to bless herself, her family, her mistering sisters, her Relief Society and others.  On that note, I wonder why men can’t serve in some of the capacities in which women are serving (oh yeah, perhaps because we’re not tender, loving, and if we touch children it’s a assault).  When formal adjustments are made to clarify women’s true identity, to me it feels like a reveal of what was already there in eternity, not some major doctrinal shift.  It resonates with my Spirit and I get a sense of, “Of course!”  And such knowledge blesses everyone. 

Sometimes I get asked if I feel judged at church and within conservative circles.  It’s a perfectly valid question.  However, I just feel at home in the Church, even though the path forward is very foggy and uncertain.  I feel more judged by some voices in the LGBT world.  In the church setting, there is some fear about if I were to be in a relationship with a man.  What would happen then?  But that’s slowly tapering off as I’m slowly turning more towards God.  That’s what I feel like our prophet is asking us to do.

Speaking of the teachings of living prophets, it is apparent to me that some of the most effective teaching does indeed take place in the home.  This can be for good or ill.  However, I had parents who brought me up to view men and women as equals and to embrace people from a variety of ethnic backgrounds.  That still doesn’t erase some unconscious biases that we all have through no fault of our own.  I love hearing about parents and families unconditionally loving their gay loved ones no matter what path they take (this probably also means that they love and validate their own feelings on the matter as well).  I love seeing friends and neighbors of different ethnicities come together and worship, play, or otherwise enjoy each other’s company.  I love seeing people carry themselves with self-love, respect, and proceeding forth with their own “normal,” treating others with respect and love as well.

Back on racism and privilege…I recently saw the film, Jane and Emma.  One scene includes a man in disbelieve that a black woman was baptized, referencing the “seed of Cain.”  Joseph Smith comes in and rebukes the man, and moreover, through his actions, treats Jane and her family just has he would any other person.  There may still be some racism in our society, conscious and unconscious, but there are also many who are like Joseph in their everyday walk and talk.

In the end, the answer for me is to continue and try to be a good person.

My JiM Weekend: Conversion Therapy?

I've heard a lot on the news about conversion therapy.  There are different understandings as to what that even is.  A basic definition would be efforts to change sexual orientation, presuming being gay or bisexual is a mental or some sort of other disorder.  In Utah, there have been efforts to ban conversion therapy, especially for LGBT youth.  That's something I can support, yet what "conversion therapy" actually is seems to be in flux.  Some people view pursuing a mixed-orientation marriage to be "conversion."  Some view any other lifestyle outside of a typical gay lifestyle (one or more sexual partners) is "conversion."

Something that really irritates me is when North Star (a faith-affirming LGBT support organization) is seen as promoting reparative (another term for "conversion") therapy.  It does not (see FAQ).  However, considering how some define it and what some would like to believe, it's understandable how some see that they promote conversion therapy.  It doesn't mean I'm not still upset.  I'd rather not be associated with an organization that promotes such things, but unfortunately there's no other LGBT group that specifically supports the doctrines and teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Oh there are some who will support you as an individual in living the teachings, but there's not a mutual understanding of truth.  Try being a gay person who supported and still believes in the divinity and integrity of the traditional family unit.

That being said, I've been on a "Journey into Manhood" (JiM) weekend (click here for more info on that...).  Having been on that weekend, my overall take is that if it wasn't connected to homosexuality, I wouldn't call it conversion therapy.  Because really...there is a lot there that all men can benefit from.  They discuss masculinity, emotional processing and that you're good and valuable just as you are.  I know many men in our society need to feel like they can be more emotional and intimate with each other.  Nevertheless, considering how it is connected to homosexuality and has roots in changing sexual orientation...it's hard for me to say that it's not conversion therapy in some form.

Since it's an experiential, emotional processing weekend, I cannot discuss everything I did, cause it simply doesn't transfer.  When I went, I was a bit angry about what some people told me about the leadership.  I found a much more compassionate view on same-sex attraction than I was led to believe.  On the first night, we were asked, "how many view your same-sex attraction as a blessing?"  I did not expect that.  They admitted and were open to the fact that sexuality is complex and very nuanced.  It was clear to me that they had roots in conversion therapy and the belief that homosexuality is connected to mommy and/or daddy issues and other situations surrounding childhood.  It was also clear to me that they are progressing beyond that line of belief and were open to individual interpretations of same-sex attraction.

The "conversion therapy" mindset was more apparent as I joined an on-line JiM support group.  While there were some people I already knew and loved, and I while I related with most everyone on traditional, biblical beliefs about marriage and family, I also found a certain distaste for homosexuality and the term "gay."  Some men viewed themselves (and the rest of us) as "deeply wounded."  As I talked with other friend, we agreed that it seemed like many were bent on hating themselves or their continued same-sex attraction.

Of course I withdrew from the group, but some messages stayed with me, both from that group and all the other programming in my life that led me to believe that my sexuality was some sort of disease, disorder...anything that needed to be overcome or healed from.  I must say that the year I attended JiM was my hardest year yet.  I compare it with the year I came home from my mission.  However, this time "home" would have been Heaven, or rather, the Spirit World.

I can't blame my rock-bottom, 2017 year completely on JiM.  I had taken myself off my medication without any psychiatric assistance, and I was also doing some life coaching that mostly just exacerbated my overthinking habits.  At one point I came to a very destitute crossroads where I thought I had to leave the Church and find a sexual partner, or remain in the Church and continue what I thought was *the* path of discipleship.  Neither of which felt good at the time and I couldn't possibly make such life-altering decisions considering the state I was in.

Luckily I found an actual therapist who has helped me get to a better place.  He's working with me at my own pace and when something doesn't work, we explore something else (in life coaching world, I kept doing the same, experiential things and just felt like wasn't ever doing it "right" or "enough").

So...I can't say I have a particularly traumatic experience with conversion therapy.  I've certainly experienced angst, heartbreak and severe depression and anxiety, but I can't connect it all specifically to JiM or any other focus on homosexuality.  I'm not going to join the force to ban JiM or conversion therapy (which can be mutually exclusive), but I'll just continue to share my experiences and perspectives.

The biggest challenge...yet also the biggest vista...has been coming to accept myself as I am, including my sexuality.  I thought I was supposed to accept myself, but seeing my sexuality as this little side "issue" that I didn't have to identify with.  But no, apparently I am to embrace and utilize my sexuality somehow.  I know that I was made to love men in deep and passionate ways.  I don't need to worry about changing it or even wanting it to change.  This has only been affirmed to me, as former "ex-gays" have decided to date men and leave their marriages in some cases.