Love Thyself

I was invited to give a talk in my parents' ward a couple weeks ago.  I was asked to choose and speak on a Christlike attribute.  I immediately thought of His ability to love.  I felt like I wanted to share my talk on my blog.  I don't like the idea of promoting myself and drawing a bunch of attention.  I just feel like I have some things to share that I don't often see in Christian/Latter-day Saint and LGBT conversations.  How often are we kind and compassionate to ourselves?  Even when we struggle to love others, how often to we come back to how we treat ourselves and pondering on how God views us?

Another important point I'd like to make is that contrary to what we see in the media, there are many Latter-day Saints who want to talk about these "real," and difficult topics, especially within a faithful perspective.  Many people came up to me and said, "I have a gay son," "I have a gay brother."  Recently, I've started to feel more at home among communities of saints than in groups specifically set up for LGBT people, although I still hope to be more of my "gay self" at church and with my family...and I'm still learning what that looks like.  But overall, my spiritual home is with fellow Christians in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

OK...now here's my talk...

I’d like to talk first about the individual love the Savior has for us and the importance of loving ourselves.  Then I’ll talk about how that can naturally lead us to love others.

In learning about the love of God in my own life, I’d like to share some of my own spiritual journey, as a son of God who just so happens to find other sons of God rather attractive. I hope that some of what I share will resonate with you and can be applied in a variety of circumstances.

There have been many times I’ve struggled to love myself.  I didn’t know what it meant to love myself, and sometimes I still don’t. Other times I thought I had to figure out how to love myself while simultaneously hating my passions and attractions. That didn’t work.  There have been times of living in fear that God would stop loving me if I made a mistake, left the Church or if I engaged in behaviors that weren’t in line with the gospel.

However, over the years (and especially recently), I have been surprised to learn that God’s love is always there. 

In the April 2013 General Conference, President Monson gave a talk entitled “We Never Walk Alone”. He said,

“Your Heavenly Father loves you—each of you. That love never changes…It is simply there. It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there.”

As I’ve prayed and pondered about various paths to take in life, as I’ve made mistakes and repented over and over again, as I’ve wrestled before the Lord, I’ve learned that the voice of the Lord is not one that rules through fear and shame.  His voice has always been one of love, compassion and perfect understandingeven when I’ve needed corrections.  Humor has been a helpful relief in many circumstances, and I consider it a blessing.  Heavenly Father cracks some pretty good gay jokes with me every now and then.  More and more I am able to invite Him into the picture and be completely honest with Him.  But there was a span of several years where I thought I had to hide this from God and others, and I lived in shame.

But as I’ve come to know the Lord as a perfect, all-knowing and all-loving being, the answer always seems to be, “I know.  You don’t need to be ashamed.  You don’t need to hide.  I love you.”  Sometimes this love would overwhelm me and even make me angry.  I almost wanted Him to love me only if I kept the commandments, as if that were the proper motivation for living my life on a covenant path.  

But that was not His will.  He just wouldn’t stop loving me.  SIowly, but surely, I figured if He could love all of me, and all the things about myself I thought were displeasing, then maybe I could start loving myself too.  This hasn’t been easy.  I’ve needed a lot of help from my family, from church leaders, from friends and from therapists.  They’ve helped me to see that I am worthy of love and belonging.  This love hasn’t been a green light to abandon my covenants or leave the Church.  Rather, it’s been an invitation to trust in that love, to experiment upon the word and use all the spiritual tools that I’ve been given to discern the fruits of the Spirit in my life.  There have been risks and mistakes along the way, and the future is rather unclear.  But the amazing thing about divine love and grace is that it actually makes me want to do the things necessary to stay close to God.

He hasn’t taken away my attractions.  I don’t feel like that was His will, and I don’t really want Him to.  Instead, He has transformed them into something beautiful, perhaps a gift to be used within the bounds He has set.  He has taught me that there are many more ways to give and receive love outside of romantic relationships that I personally feel our culture tends to idolize.  I’ve learned about brotherhood and friendship and their important roles in building the kingdom of God.  I’m learning about admiring the beauty in those around me (yes, mostly men).  I’m learning to see beyond the physical and appreciate all of who they are as my spiritual brothers.  I’ve learned about the healing power of healthy physical affection, like giving hugs, putting an arm around a shoulder or even holding hands.  

I recently read a book about faith and brotherhood.  The author made reference to when Christ was physically on the earth performing miracles of healing.  He could have simply said “be healed,” but in many cases He chose to touch His disciples in meaningful ways as part of their healing.  I also like to think of how He called 12 apostles to be with Him and minister with Him.  I like to think of the bonds of love they must have shared with one another.  I know this is true of the leaders of our Church today as I see them interact at General Conference.

I’ve been led to other amazing men and women who are also gay or same-sex attracted.  Some of these people are members of other faiths. But they have strong desires to honor God’s law of marriage between a man and a woman and the law of chastity in that regard.  I have a close-knit group of brothers who are on the same journey.  I love them very much.  Unfortunately, many of us live in different states, but we share a love for the gospel and a love for each other.  I would not be here today without their love and support.  While I am able to hold space for the possibility of marriage to a woman and having a family, I certainly hope for deep and abiding friendships with my brothers in the eternities.  

Naturally, I’ve had friends who have left the Church, distanced themselves from friends and family or who struggle to stay on a covenant path.  The reasons are varied and incredibly complex.  It has been a personal struggle for me to understand how togenuinely love those who might choose a path outside of the gospel. This is especially true about differences in political or religious beliefs and when there is anger and bitterness about doctrines of the gospel.

I enjoyed Sister Neill Marriott’s talk entitled “Abiding in God and Repairing the Breach.”  She talks about an argument she had with her relative and it left her angry.  She vented her feelings out in prayer, but then she said, “You probably want me to love her…How can I love her?  I don’t think I even like her.  My heart is hard; my feelings are hurt.  I can’t do it.”  Then the Spirit prompted her to say, “But You love her, Heavenly Father.  Would you give me a portion of Your love for her—so I can love her too?”

This is a pattern I have had to follow.  Love can be difficult.  I can’t force myself to love in God’s way.  I can’t shame myself into loving someone unconditionally.  But I can trust that the Lord loves them, and I can pray for a portion of His love.  This is closely connected with how I view myself and whether or not I can feel God’s love for me.  It’s rather difficult to give oil to someone else, if don’t have any in my lamp.  I’m certainly not perfect, but I’ve learned a little bit more about a love that does not condone sin, but neither does it require me to constantly remind my friends where I stand.  The Holy Ghost can do the work.  No matter what their relationship status is or the nature of it, they are still divine children of God.

I also have friends who have returned to church activity and to a covenant path, and even then their paths vary.  I have a couple friends who are partners, and several years ago made changes in their lives and got to a place where one was able to baptize the other.  They’ve served faithfully in the Church and in the temple, and they care for each other as brothers in Christ.  I have some other friends, a man and a woman, who were once in same-sex marriages, but who are now married and sealed to each other as husband and wife.  Furthermore, he also baptized his former husband.  A major factor behind these friends’ changes in their lives was that they had family members, church leaders and others who were there for them already and lovedthem no matter where they were on their journey.

Elder Quentin L. Cook has said,

“Let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion, and outreach. Let’s not have families exclude or be disrespectful of those who choose a different lifestyle as a result of their feelings about their own gender.”

…and I’ll add...as a result of many other possible circumstances.

I am incredibly grateful for my family.  I think this has been a journey for all of us.  There was never a time where I had to “come out” to my parents.  This was something we learned about together.  I have the assurance that their love for me is not dependent on where I am in my faith journey.  This has allowed me to develop more of a personal relationship with Christ and learn more about my covenants with Him, without the fear of family rejection.

The second greatest commandment says, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”  Often this is used in reference to loving others, but I frequently forget the part that says “as thyself.”  We need to love ourselves.  I believe that when we remember how precious we are to our Heavenly Parents, and as we love and respect ourselves, loving others in holy ways almost comes naturally.

Latter-day Pioneers - New Trails

Today marks the end of another weekend of Pioneer Day concerts with the Tabernacle Choir and the Orchestra at Temple Square.  This year, we had our very dear friend, Sissel, join us as our guest artist.  I was serving the Family and Church History mission at the time she came to perform at the Christmas concerts in 2006, before auditioning for the Choir was even on my radar.  The following year, I fell in love with the album as it was released.  She not only has the voice of an angel; she is an angel and carries a special spirit with her when she performs.

Typically, our summer concerts contain a few pioneer songs followed by a main program consisting usually of show tunes and other fun pieces reminiscent of the summer season.  However, this one stayed focused on the Pioneer spirit and on the goodness and grace of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  The messages of the songs and the spoken narration touched my heart in many ways.

While he was introducing the program, Lloyd Newel talked about the Pioneers, the persecution they faced, and their trek west to a new home in the Salt Lake valley.  Sissel talked about the prayers of the pioneers and the tribulation they went through.  She sang a beautiful and very well-received piece, "Slow Down," all about listening to the "still, small voice" that speaks to our hearts.  She also talked about pioneers who yearn for freedom, a new start and the chance to create something new.

In my social circles, it's common to hear about LGBT pioneers.  If you're rolling your eyes, don't worry.  I am too.  It's OK.  I get sick of some of the same old narrative.  Actually, at times I'm quite bitter with some voices out there.  I'll just be honest and put that out there.  However, I think it's a given to say that LGBT people, along with many others who are "different" have experienced hardship and mockery from multiple angles, similar to that of early Latter-day Saints.  I haven't experienced as much grief as others.  I started learning about myself at about the same time the Church started publishing more material on same-sex attraction.  Most of my negativity came from my own internalized messages.

At this weekend's concerts, some of the words spoken and lyrics sung had a direct relation to my experience.  I've felt a yearning to break free from many expectations, stereotypes, the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts."  This applies to aspects of Christian culture as well as what now feels like "the LGBT script."  Either way, it means leaning less on the arm of flesh and more on God and my own heart.  Latter-day Saints and other Christians who are gay have an opportunity to press forward and create something new, especially within the context of sacred covenants.  It's an opportunity to forge new trails and build unique communities.  I don't quite know what that looks like.  Part of it, for me, includes a freedom of self-expression.

It's common to hear "don't act on it," in regards to same-sex attraction...kind of a black and white thing to say.  On the flip side, the black and white bleeds over into LGBT culture ("The Church won't let you love...won't let you be yourself...").  I've recently been made aware of the many ways I do act on or otherwise express my sexuality.  Exercising and taking care of my body can be an expression of my sexuality.  Spending time and exchanging affection with my friends can be an expression of my sexuality.  I haven't had a big eye for fashion, but a couple of friends recently took me shopping for fancy clothes for an upcoming event.  I realized I had been living under this rock of "conservative dress" standards and that yes, it's ok to spice things up a bit and feel sexy!  That can be an expression of my sexuality.

One of our final songs was "Hymn to Freedom..."

When every hand joins every hand, and together joins our destiny
That's when we'll be free.

When we sang that song, I didn't think of the "freedom to marry" or "sexual freedom," but the freedom to be myself, to discover more of what makes me tick, the freedom to express myself, and the freedom to...quite literally...hold hands.

"Gay Equality" and the Church

This topic frustrates me, probably like it does others, only from varying angles.  I want to say something like, "What the world doesn't want you to know...," or "What I have to say is unpopular."  It seems in society we have to be part of some minority or be "unpopular" in order to have a something valid to say.  But I understand this is a touchy subject and that there are several understandable and valid perspectives out there.

This is mine.

I feel like I'm in some sort of minority, but I don't know if that's true.  Perhaps it depends on what social circles we're talking about.

Thing is...in many ways, I'm already an equal in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

-First off, and most importantly I'm already in equal in that I'm a son of God.  I'm His child just like anyone else.  Something I like is thinking "I am..." and letting the silence speak for itself.  Underneath all labels, everything associated with this mortal existence, I am...

-I have equal access to all the blessings of the gospel.  If it's true that in eternity, every blessing will be mine, then there it is.  I don't understand how it will all work out.  If I don't have a wife and children in the eternities, I'm sure the Celestial Kingdom will have an *equal* amount of blessings for me.  Whatever those are.

-No one has ever denied me the right to marry, save for being underage.  I've had equal access to the rights and blessings of marriage.  We could talk about gender, but the way this has been portrayed in some narratives...I've been denied the right to marry...like...at all.  But that's not true.  Whether it would be good for me or advisable is an entirely different story.  I've had equal access to marriage.

-I bear the Priesthood and can go forward just like any man or woman who is endowed with priesthood power.

-I can serve in the temple...I can even take part in temple sealings!  I've even been to the temple with gay friends.  Heck, I've even been applauded by a wedding entourage as I exited the Bountiful Temple one time.

-I can serve in a wide variety of church callings...some of them not, but because I am single, not because I am gay.  There are some specific callings that do require a married man or a married couple.  If you ask me...I can't say I even desire those callings.  However, I do know many a gay person who have served in leadership callings throughout the Church.

-When it comes to relationships, literally no one has ever said I can't love a man...it's been some others in the gay community who have told me that I can't "love a man" in my church.  In a world where "love is love," I'm free to love in many beautiful ways...some of which I've yet to explore.  Yes, love is love, but is love always sex and marriage?

-In a world where same-sex marriage is legal, it would be nice to have some sort of equivalent for people who believe in marriage as outlined in the Family Proclamation.  As I've mentioned in other posts, I've loved learning about the idea of wedded brotherhood and promise-bound friendships.  I get the argument about legal protections, and who knows?  Maybe if our leaders can see enough couples being chaste together they'll be ok with time-only marriages for legal reasons.  But...does it have to be marriage?  Do we have to get married in order to see ourselves as equal?

I understand that in Utah and some other states, they gave up on civil unions/domestic partnerships because same-sex marriage was legalized.  Did those who pushed for gay marriage believe they were helping all gay people, or all gay people who wanted to be partnered?  Are there going to be any allies advocating for changes in culture...to allow for friendship and brotherhood to be rekindled in religious traditions?  Or is it just going to continue to be a push for marriage to be redefined?  Some have used the argument of "separate but equal."  Well...that's what I want.  I might want my relationships to be equal in value and importance as that of marriage, but it's not marriage.  It's something different.  I want it to be that way.

-I believe that...aside from the cultural baggage, we could be really close to realizing same-sex relationships, partnerships, friendships...whatever you want to call...as valuable and worth celebrating, even within the context of man-woman marriage and the law of chastity.

Are there things that can improve for gay people in the Church all around?  Of course.  Are there cultural hurdles to get over?  Definitely.  I just like pointing out all the good things that are happening.

So anyway.  I just wanted to share some of my thoughts on this.  It's fairly common for me to come across posts from people who are waiting for "gay equality" in the Church.  There's a lot I don't know.  I'm becoming increasingly open to uncertainty.  But for me, "equality" is already here.  I'm not defined by my sexuality nor my relationship status.  Those things are pretty powerful and important in ones life, but I'm already equal because I am a loved son of God, serving in His kingdom and trying to serve and love those around me.

Will I be "Straight" in the Next Life?

Some church leaders have stated that same-sex attraction did not exist in the pre-mortal world and that it won't exist in the eternities.  I mean it makes sense to believe this.  Since our society is basically built upon men and women having sex and growing and replenishing the earth, same-sex attraction can only be a mortal condition, something that is a result of living in a Fallen world, right?  

However, I believe that this view is overly focused on sexual attraction.  I'm not sure if church leaders and others are considering the other aspects of attraction, connection and intimacy when they say such things.  I have no idea what sexual attraction will be like in the eternities.  I don't know if it will even exist.

I could log on to the Church's website and find several talks where it is stated that blessings not realized in this life will be realized in the next life.  This is most commonly used when it comes to getting married, having children, or perhaps having a fully-functioning body.  I still believe this.  If it's in God's plan for me to have a wife and kids...or even if it's not, I'm sure a Celestial glory is far more beautiful than I can comprehend.

But I don't equate that with being "straight."

See, there are plenty of characteristics and blessings that come along with being gay.  The list is long; some of it including being sensitive, feminine, masculine, artistic, an eye for beauty and design, ability to admire and form connections and intimacy with other men...several attributes that would lend to being a great husband and father.  Some people try to separate sexual attractions from these other attributes as if they're mutually exclusive.  Yet I doubt I would have all these other qualities without the sexual attractions.  It's all part of the package (pun partially intended...if you get gay jokes).

Some might refer to Ether 12:27: ...for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them...like...as if same-sex attraction, at its core is a weakness that will eventually become a strength.  Lust, pornography & masturbation can be weaknesses; so can eating problems, pride, envy and a whole host of other issues.  For me, same-sex attraction is a state of being.  It's not a weakness to be compared to alcoholism or even sex addiction; it's a strength that has been waiting to be uncovered.  Or if you rather...it's been a vehicle for me to learn what my strengths are.  

It's strange.  It's complicated, and it's understandable that there are a variety of philosophies on this.

But really...who knows for sure?  I don't.

I just know that there's plenty about being gay that I hope to take with me into the next life.  Even if I do have a wife and kids, I certainly hope to have deep, connected relationships with my brothers.  This is why I believe "same-sex attraction" could very well be a part of my eternal identity.  We might not hear such things over the pulpit or taught in standard church materials.  I don't think we need to be told, but part of the reason we don't hear it might be because our society is so dang focused on SEX!  And our world perpetuates that focus.  Just by claiming that being gay is part of my eternal identity, some might picture me with a husband.  That's not what I'm getting at.  A partner who remains a friend in the eternal scheme? Quite possibly.

As I said, I have no idea how sexuality works in the eternities.  But here and now, my attractions...yes, including sexual attractions...do contribute to the emotional energy needed to do things I enjoy, like exercising, taking care of myself, building relationships, relating to God, and everything else that makes up this human experience.

My Other Brothers

It's getting to be a very awkward position to be in...the experience of being gay and at the same time affirming a traditional view of marriage and sexuality. I've noticed that things in the LDS LGBT world can be very polarizing and hurtful, with a lot of drama over same-sex marriage, the law of chastity, liking Pride and not liking Pride, conversion therapy, waiting for the Church to receive "the Revelation" that gays can get married...oh excuse me...to each other...excuse me again...to a member of the same sex (I mean...no one has ever barred me from the blessings of marriage...no one...I could marry a gay woman too...gays getting married in the temple...), etc.  Since sexuality, although not *who* we are, seems to be near the *core* of our existence, it's understandable why there can be frequent clashing.

However, I felt like I had a break from all of that as I attended the second annual retreat with Your Other Brothers (YOB).  It's a group of Christian men, from a variety of denominations, who experience same-sex attraction.  We are a community of brothers supporting each other in honoring and living in a manner that respects the traditional view of marriage and sexuality.  That is, we respect marriage to be between a man and a woman and that sexual relations are to be kept within that union.  I feel like many in our world view that as an intense restriction, yet I'm gradually learning about the freedom that comes along with keeping covenants with God, however imperfect we may be at it.  This doesn't rule out the potential of being tempted or making mistakes.  But that's why we're here.

These brothers have differing views on terminology, and understandably so.  But there was a unity and understanding as we explained what we meant.  It was beautiful.

Several of these men are married to women and have children.  Others are carving out a joyful life singly and lending their time and talents to their faith groups and developing friendships.  I had a good conversation with one brother about the possibilities of celibate partnership.  I also learned of a group of brothers (gay and straight) buying a piece of land together and living in Christian community.  God's law is not a cage.  It seems to me like striving to be chaste opens up so many more ways of living and loving; ways that aren't (quite yet) talked about in church.

Since we have understandable (although small) differences in our theology, I felt more comfortable sharing what I believe.  I felt like I could share my testimony of what Latter-day Saints view as the Family Proclamation, AND testify of how I felt my own attractions can still fit in with that context.  I felt like I could do this without having to walk on eggshells trigger someone.

During this retreat, we had five breakout groups, each named after the core values of YOB: Hope, Humility, Brotherhood, Courage and Vulnerability.  I was in Vulnerability, symbolized by the feather on the stone pictured here.

Probably my favorite moment of the weekend was sitting in a circle with our small groups for testimony sharing.  These brave men shared about their varied experiences as gay Christians.  They also shared how they have been touched by the Savior and His Atonement.  I have a ton of respect for these brothers.  Being from Utah, I tend to hear a lot about my church being among the most "anti-gay," yet many of these brothers have been through much more than I have or what I have seen in my faith community.

We find ourselves in a unique position.  At least this is something I feel.  I've often said that I feel more at home in my faith community than in the LGBT community.  My beliefs do align more with my church, but I still have a need to love and be close to men.  In many ways, we understand the experience of dealing with same-sex attraction, and we also understand Christian doctrine.  I know I struggle building bridges directly with the LGBT community, but perhaps just by being a little more vulnerable and real at church, I can be a bridge so hearts will be softened and greater understanding will come.

I'm not in a position to change doctrine.  I don't even want it at this point.  I don't want to be lumped in with that mindset.  Many gay people, even some in same-sex relationships, do believe in and affirm a traditional Christian teaching on marriage.  I've also been in a process of separating myself from the "identities" around being gay.  But if describing myself as "gay" will bring teaching opportunities...opportunities to teach about my religion...or opportunities to teach my religion about this experience...I will gladly do so.

I have found that I need my community.  I need my community of brothers and sisters dealing with similar circumstances, but free from challenges to our core doctrines and beliefs.  When I get that cup filled, I'm better able to relate with and love those who choose differently.

It's often said that "love is love."  I feel like I live in a world where that is twisted to mean "love = sex and marriage," (yes, even in conservative Christian churches).  I am more than willing the celebrate the love that can exist in a same-sex relationship or marriage, even if I disagree on how it is expressed.  Yet there is more love out there to be had.  I am grateful to have found this community of brothers, who are on the cutting edge of discovering what love can be.  As I often say, God didn't create me to have sex with men, He created me to love them in deep and passionate ways.  I don't always know what that looks like, but I'm willing to keep on exploring.

Conversion Therapy? Or Just Other Ways of Being Gay?

…Or simply other ways of being?

I’ve had something on my mind, and I’ve recently read, viewed and listened to various perspectives on it.  Here are bits and pieces of my perspective.  Take it or leave it.  Add it to the zillions of other perspectives there are on it.  I’m no professional, and I don’t speak for the LGBT community.  They (whoever “they” are) don’t speak for me either.  Quite frankly, I often feel talked over.

It seems like we’ve struggled to define what sexuality really is, what gay means, what equality means, what homophobic means, what bigoted means etc.  It seems like a human habit of trying to squeeze everything into a nice little box and make logical sense out of it.  “Conversion therapy” is no exception.  I’m saying all this as one who does not like viewing my sexuality as something that is broken and needs to be fixed.  I have other broken parts of me, but it’s not this.  However, I still have something to say.

I’ve seen billboards and other correspondence from Equality Utah saying, “Conversion therapy is still happening,” depicting a heart-wrenching picture of a sad and confused young gay teen (I don’t say confused because he’s gay, but because it’s a very difficult position to be in).  I have concerns.  One of my worries is that members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will see this and equate it with “the way” to be active and faithful in the Church.  I worry that they will see those in mixed-orientation marriages as having undergone “conversion therapy.”  I worry that they will see people like me, gay, single and willing to pursue relationships in a chaste manner as having undergone “conversion therapy.”  On the flip side, I worry that opponents of “conversion therapy” actually DO see all these things as “conversion therapy” and therefore seek to ban the resources we have to help us live according to our beliefs.

I think the struggle is…what the heck is “conversion therapy?”  This can also be called “reparative therapy.”

There seems to be several different definitions of it.  I see various debates and conversations about it, and I wonder, “Are we talking about the same thing?”  My interpretations can be thrown in with the rest of the confusion.  I view it as intentionally trying to change sexual orientation.  Hence why I believe this view of “conversion therapy” is not synonymous with living a life in the gospel.  However, I also am not a fan of trying to put my orientation and/or experiences in a nice little gay box and saying, “You must live this way, and if not, then you will live an isolated life of loneliness or go against your nature and marry a woman (like your church wants you to).”

I’m learning that the term “conversion therapy” could very well be a large umbrella term for a wide variety of ways people deal with same-sex attraction.  For some, “reparative” means “repairing” the shame one has accumulated around their sexual feelings.  It means accepting them and observing them.  It means moving away from them being such a controlling force in their lives and seeing themselves as a whole being.  To me, that doesn’t sound like fixing same-sex attraction.  Therefore, I wonder why it’s called “conversion” or “reparative” therapy.  It sounds like building upon one’s view of themselves and gaining a positive self-image, even if that includes a positive view of their sexuality.  They may still choose to act on them sexually, but having had a more healthy view of them. I know some people experience a shift in their attractions once they work through the shame and fear they had.  Many of the same things could be said for people who experience opposite-sex attraction.  I mean…have you seen how much value our society places on genital sexual expression???

Some people see “conversion therapy” as transitioning out of a hook-up habit or out of a homosexual-sexual lifestyle.  I personally don’t see that as “conversion therapy,” especially if the person still experiences same-sex attraction.  Yet others do.  Can you see why there is confusion?

Some see “conversion therapy” as anything that doesn’t affirm same-sex marriage and sexual relations as moral and approved by God.

I’ve talked about my explorations with masculinity, physical affection and meeting my needs for men in ways that do not involve sex.  Some people see that as “conversion therapy.”  I simply see it as me acting on my God-given attractions in ways that are healthy and in line with my beliefs.  Yes, it does reduce the intensity of my sexual attractions, but I just see it as moving beyond that attraction and being the son of God I am meant to be who loves and needs men.  It’s not a love that avoids the physical appeal of a person.  It’s a love that includes that and much more.

Can you see why I am confused?  Can you understand why conversations surrounding “reparative therapy” can be so sensitive, heated and unproductive?  I believe part of it may be that we’re not even talking about the same thing.  It’s like flippantly saying “I don’t agree with homosexuality,” without any explanation as to what that means!  I can’t draw any conclusions. I can’t say if I’m “for” or “against” anything.  I just know I don’t like viewing my same-sex attraction as something that needs to be fixed. I’m just pointing out how nuanced this whole topic is.

On a more personal note, I just finished reading A Bigger World Yet: Faith, Brotherhood, & Same-Sex Needs, by Tim Timmerman.  Yeah, he talks about how he believes same-sex attraction is a result of various unmet male needs as a child and how we’ve sexualized those needs.  He talks about masculinity, the feelings of not being “man” enough.  That is the premise of a lot of what is seen as “conversion therapy.”  

I certainly relate with most of what he wrote about.  I simply don’t believe I can connect everything in my childhood to my same-sex attraction.  For all I know, I was born with it. 

I can resonate with many of those concepts while simultaneously believing that many aspects of my same-sex attraction are part of my eternal identity.  In other words, it’s OK to believe I was “born this way” and still believe God expects me to use it in certain ways.  My go to statement is, “Even if I do have a wife and children in this life or the next, I still expect to have some very deep and intimate relationships with men.”  This is why I believe my same-sex attraction is something that came with me from Heaven.

Reading Tim’s book and other things like it hasn’t changed my sexuality.  It’s broadened my perspective of it.  In fact, I have a healthy level of irritation with our society as a whole, both in the Church and “the world.”  We’ve taken brotherly (or sisterly) connection and intimacy and turned them into a romantic/sexual thing.  I mean big big BIG time.  The reason many gay people want to get married (to a member of the same-sex) is because as a society, we’ve made marriage the crowning relationship as if no other relationship matters.  Sex is also blown out of proportion. I believe we’ve either vilified or celebrated the act of sex to a point where all roads supposedly lead to genital sexual expression in order to be a healthy human.  This isn’t to discount the amazing power of sexual feelings, but I think we’ve added undue focus on them.

We talk about Burt and Ernie being gay, Frodo and Sam, Abe Lincoln and Joshua Speed, sometimes even Jesus and John the Beloved get thrown in there, and assume those relationships were sexual in nature. Maybe they experienced attractions toward each other, but perhaps that was more accepted and normal in their day. I know there’s a line of thought that describes sexuality as being how we relate to everyone, but I mean romantically and sexually. 

I’ve lived under this fear that I shouldn’t be close to a man because I’ll eventually want to or have sex.  I’ve believed in a fear that once those sexual feelings start, there’s no controlling them.  Pants will fall off and sex will just happen!  Yet it’s that exact fear that has been detrimental to me.  It’s kept me isolated and afraid of being open with someone.
 Yeah, mistakes may happen.  It’s a risk.  Being vulnerable, or “emotionally naked,” with 
someone has its risks.  But I’d rather take risks to find connection than be isolated and miserable.  It’s just a matter of accepting that the risk of a “slip up” exists.  It de-mystifies the sexual aspect for some reason.

In short, men should be able to hug, hold each other, sleep with each other (like…share a bed, even affectionately) hold hands and even KISS each other without having any sexual connotations attached to it.  This is true of any man regardless of how they classify their sexuality.  Yet what does society think? SEX!!!  Granted, I don’t feel like I can just snuggle up to any old straight guy, partially because there’s this wall of homophobia (in 
this case...that means “afraid of looking gay”).  There has to be mutual connection and a desire to be close.  

Mr. Timmerman says, “During most of the 19th century it wasn’t necessary for any of the men to distinguish their motives because there were no fear or anxiety around the issue of sleeping with another man.  In a culture where there was almost no context for homosexuality, the assumption would have been, ‘Of course there is no chance of that being sexual.’  I don’t even think the question would have arisen.  Our assumption today of two men sleeping together is, ‘Of course that’s sexual.’ We are in a very different world indeed.”

AMEN!!!

He also writes, “In part, it seems fears around touch in the past 120 years or so, and the sexual revolution, has cost us dearly.  The great equalizer of connecting our groins with whomever we wish has not brought us closer to one another but has yet separated us further from true union and our hearts’ desires.  Historically and Biblically if we actually believed that genital activity and sex was created for the marriage bed of a man and a woman exclusively, the social stigmas about a man sleeping in the same bed as another(man) or friends of the same-sex being affectionate with each other would have nobearing.”

In a way, these concepts really blew my mind and challenged my constructs of intimacy, sexuality and connection all together. I’m still processing it all.  It’s rather freeing to know that I can be close with men…and not have to fit it all into some proscribed gay box!  Holding hands with a friend can be just that…holding hands with a friend and sharing an intimate moment.  Toward the end of the book, he mentions that we need a “resurgence of friendship.”  We need to bring back friendship as an important and recognized relationship in our society.  We need “sworn brothers” and “wedded friendships.”  He goes on to say, “Perhaps some sort of ritualistic element for friendship would be helpful for demonstrating that we take community and the building of a family in Christ seriously….Taking friendship seriously may sound very foreign to some, and yet I look back at our history in the church and see that friendship was seen as an elemental part of the structure of the church.  What I am suggesting simply was the norm.”

I anticipate that many will want to jump in and establish boundaries for people like me, but that’s not your right.  It’s mine.  Boundaries are important in any relationship, but I’m not sure we are the ones who ultimately get to define those for others.

This all may scream “conversion therapy” to some people.  So what? I don’t see it that way.  And even so, there are some aspects that can resonate all across the board.

Since I haven’t completely written off marrying a woman, and since I also am open to the idea of a relationships with men that do not involve sex, some might say, “Oh well then you’re bisexual…you must not really be gay.”  No.  That’s another attempt to throw me into another socially constructed box.  I think it’s unfair to assign someone a number on the Kinsey scale (even if they are married to a member of the opposite sex).  It’s still a very personal thing.  I acknowledge that my sexuality is somewhat fluid.  That’s always been the case.  I probably have what it takes to make a baby.  That said, another thing I’ve learned is that acknowledging this doesn’t automatically mean that I need to worry about getting married a woman.  I don’t need to pressure myself or worry about the same from others.  I could still marry a man if I really wanted to.  I could also pursue a celibate partnership with a man.  I could also be satisfied with multiple committed friends.  Either way, I do not want to be so exclusive as to not continue ministering to others like me.

I’ll probably still use the term “gay” here and there, but as I said, I don’t mean to throw myself into a box.  I like it especially when people say my church is “anti-gay.” I can pull out my inner black woman and say, “Excuse me, no you di-n’t!”  

My sexuality doesn’t define me, but the Church (and I mean the people) don’t get to say, “See? We knew it the whole time.”  There is a LOT in the Church that is based on sexual identity.  The simple fact that we see two guys holding hands and think they’re having sex is proof.  I include myself in that.  The constant worry and fear about sex is very telling as well.  While I truly believe in the divine order of marriage between a man and a woman and sexual relations being kept within those bounds, I believe many “identify” with their sexuality without really knowing it.

Anyway, there’s so much I don’t know about my own sexuality and my being as a whole.  How can I possibly define that for others?  But I’m excited to keep learning about myself and learning how I can thrive as a “gay” person in the gospel.