This week at choir rehearsal, we sang some songs that really
hit close to my heart. Among them are
“My Song in the Night,” “Hold On (from the musical The Secret Garden),” “Sing Praise to Him” and “Amazing Grace.” For me, these songs coincide remarkably with
the increased attention to suicide.
I don’t write about this much. It’s a tender topic, and I’m no expert in
addressing it. But it does break my
heart every time I hear of another gay teen taking his/her life. Yes, most of the suicides I’ve heard of
recently are from the LGBT Mormon community.
I’ve had experiences that quite naturally push me away from the more
mainstream LGBT community, and I’ve had to withdraw, take care of myself and
secure my home in the gospel. But
suicide is something that should be a concern to everyone, no matter what we
feel about church doctrine, politics, sexual orientation or gender identity.
I love Utah. I love
the Church. But I also understand that
there is a culture that doesn’t lend itself to authenticity. I attend a singles’ ward, and most of my
social life consists of my family and gay/SSA friends (or “covenant-keeping
queers,” to be more specific). So I’d
say I’ve been somewhat sheltered from this culture, but it doesn’t mean it’s
not there.
I was recently with some friends from this demographic, all
faithful members of the Church, some married, some single. The topic of suicide came up, and I was
saddened to see how many (yes, myself included) had had thoughts of suicide
within the past year. Sometimes I wonder
if there’s this notion that just because some of us remain in the Church and/or
are married, it means that we have it all figured out. Right now I’m picturing a husband and father
who experiences same-sex attraction, but feels like he has to keep it a secret
from his friends, people at church and making every effort to keep up the
appearance of the perfect dad, the perfect Mormon family.
On a larger scale, my heart goes out to anyone who is still
struggling silently, trying to pretend they're someone they're not. It could be
anyone…even among those who are married who appear to have it all “figured
out.” Are our families, wards and stakes
safe places to open up and talk about this?
Much of the pressure, stress, depression and suicidal ideation could be
averted if we could just be authentic with fellow disciples.
I know some people have concerns with the basic doctrines and
the Church’s stance on marriage. I know
there are some who are angry with Church leaders and criticize anyone who has
faith in them. That is not me. That hasn’t been my experience, so I can’t
write about it. I’m only talking about
the culture. I acknowledge that there
are other aspects of Utah Mormon culture outside of the LGBT spectrum that need
addressing as well.
As I mentioned above, I have been to that edge; the edge where
I wondered if I could carry on another day.
In fact, I knew I couldn’t do
it with the feelings I was feeling then.
This wasn’t too long ago, actually.
But through divine intervention, I got the help I needed, and I’m in a
much better place. The thing is, I don’t
have the answers. I can only share what
has worked for me so far (and that could be a whole other blog post). There is no one size fits all solution. Each individual needs to be listened to. Each individual needs to come to a level of self-acceptance
before progress can be made, at least that has been my experience. For some, it DOES mean leaving the Church, or
at least pursuing a path that may cause limited participation at church. But does that mean they can’t feel like they
can still come to church? Still be
involved in the activities? Be in a
place where they can feel the Spirit?
Christ continues to be my rock. When I don’t meet the approval of others,
whether in or out of the Church, I constantly remind myself that it is ultimately
between me and my Savior. With that in
mind, I’m still thankful for those who have been placed in my path. It still is a major blessing to have others
who are facing similar circumstances (not always “struggles”) and who strive to
hold on.
The music we sang this week was not depressing, of
course. It was filled with hope. My heart was touched as we sang, “Child, hold
on to what you know is true.” I
resonated with the phrase, “Unto Thee, O Lord, in affliction I call. My comfort by day and my song in the
night.” And as always, I am grateful for
the “Amazing Grace,” patience and mercy of a loving Heavenly Father.
