My Own "Safe Space"

 Even though I may still deny it or resist it, some aspects of Pride Month have afforded me the opportunity to express what I have to express.  This year has led to a lot of reflections and questions, and no, I don’t have all the answers.  One big thing is, however, I realized that I’m not really anyone else but myself all year long.  Even though I may behave differently at…say…a North Star Conference than I do at church.  I’m still “myself” in either place.  I’m still working on bridging those two areas of my own life (and a lot of that rests on me), but I’m not really hiding much from any of the groups I belong to.

            Isn’t that what “normalization” is supposed to be?  Already seeing something in your life as “normal?”  To me it seems like some narratives and institutions thrive on homosexuality, or simply the reality of experiencing same-sex attraction, being “not normal.”  I believe that in a way, there are some forces that want us to remain under the belief that we are terribly oppressed.  That way the narratives and the power struggles can remain alive.  I don’t know.  That’s just one way of looking at it.

            This year’s Pride Month stirred up a bunch of the feelings I usually go through every single year.  Unlike the connotations I used to associate with the words “gay,” “homosexuality,” “queer,”etc., the connotations around LGBT Pride have been rather sticky.  They haven’t shifted much.  I’m fully aware that they have changed for some, or perhaps they were never an issue with others.  Yet for me, it’s rather conflicting.  I feel rather removed from Pride.  So much of my support system relied on living the gospel and by happenstance, sharing a certain distain for Pride and mainstream LGBT narratives.

            I was hoping the Church could come up with something equally celebratory, but separate and different from Pride.  Without meaning to sound self-righteous…I was hoping for something special for LGBT people who try to keep covenants and espouse traditional views of marriage.  I don’t know if that’s self-righteous or exclusionary, but it’s how I’ve felt.  Or at least I think so.  I still don’t even understand all the baggage I’ve built up around gay Pride.

            I’m still trying to process how gay Pride has become morally neutral for so many.  More and more fellow Latter-day Saints are donning rainbows so that “the LGBTQ community” can know that they’re loved.  It’s kind of throwing me for a loop, and it’s not in a relieving, “feeling supported” kind of way.  Not to take away from anyone who actually feels a bunch of warm, loving feelings upon seeing a rainbow, but this is my blog, and these are my messy feelings.  I try to be polite, but then there’s a feeling in my gut that I hardly feel like I can tell anyone about (except for my politically incorrect, “alt-right” Instagram account…I exaggerate, but some might actually see it that way).  They’ll just try to talk me out of it.  My thoughts aren’t always about them, but the questions that come up are the familiar refrains:

            “What am I missing?”  “What’s wrong with me?”  “Why don’t I feel the same about gay Pride so many others seem to be feeling?”

            Some might characterize my resistance to Pride as “homophobia.”  The thing is, I know what that feels like.  Some have characterized even the very beliefs of traditional marriage and chastity as “homophobia,” and I just don’t know what to say to that.  I don’t agree.  However, I’m acquainted with the process of self-acceptance.  I’m acquainted with the idea of “internalized homophobia.”  I may still have yet to face various elements of acceptance of myself…but I believe that to be a human thing that a lot of people probably deal with.

            No, the struggle of acceptance was accepting that I simply have different feelings about gay Pride than others.  It just is what it is.  It doesn’t take away from the desire to have a celebration, to have a month of specialness, to have a huge portion of corporate America throw out rainbows and tailor their advertisements to my kind of gay love.  Perhaps that’s why I feel like LGBT people in my situation are the “new oppressed minority” (either that or we’re just “normal” and don’t stand out).  Perhaps this is why modern-day gay Pride feels like “special treatment” instead of “equality,” regardless of the history of Pride.

            I’ve often said that I would gladly attend a “straight Pride” parade.  I know what people say; that they don’t need one and that I need to “educate” myself as to why.  I know that some of them are more like “anti-gay Pride” as opposed to actual pride in one’s own straight sexuality.  I get that, but if it were the latter, I’d be right there, hand in hand with a guy friend holding a sign that says, “Yes!  We think you should celebrate yourselves too!”  Again, I don’t know why I feel this way.  Maybe I want to be a “gay ally to straight people.”  In an age of “equality,” it seems like there should be no problem with this.

            Since the rainbow symbol still signals to me approval of gay marriage and gay sex (notice I said, “to me.”  I’m just talking about me), seeing several from within my Church adopt the rainbow feels like they’re reaching out over people like me.  It’s like bridges are being built, but I’m underneath the bridge.  Even the Church has done its own outreach to various LGBT groups, even publicly.  I would be left feeling like I’m “supposed” to feel awesome about this…but I don’t.  I can’t even explain why all the time.  You know that analogy of being in a room full of people…but you still feel alone?

It also feels like we’ve skipped over the discussion on what we can do as celibate gay members of the Church; the discussions about platonic affection and platonic friendships and relationships.  This is because, of course, the rainbow signals to me something other than those things (even though many LGBT allies will say, “we support you no matter what you choose.”) 

            I even wonder how things will play out in the Church.  We’re told about how the Restoration of the gospel is on-going.  I think I’ve been so glued to the belief that the doctrine of marriage will not change that I’ve been thinking of other ways for gay people to thrive within that line of belief…and that the Church would follow suit.  I haven’t escaped the possibility that I’m wrong, and that those who belief the Church will change this doctrine are right.  In the end I can’t control whatever changes may come and how that will be perceived.  It’s possible that things won’t happen according to “my agenda.” 

            Yeah, I want to be able to be affectionate with men at church.  I want to be able to esteem a male friend in a similar fashion that I would a wife.  If the opportunity comes, yeah, I’d want myself and a same-sex partner (celibate or otherwise) to be accepted in a congregation, regardless of what my temple recommend status is.  I just didn’t think it would be through the means of Pride and rainbows.  I wanted it to be separate from that hullaballoo.  I thought it would be through the genuine goodness I already see in so many members of the Church.  Some of my greatest personal “allies” haven’t been the ones to wave the Pride flag out their homes or on their clothes.

            If I’m being honest, I often want my involvement in the Church and in my callings to count as “LGBT inclusion.”  I want my ideas of celibate partnership and/or recognized, promise-bound friendship, to be seen as LGBT-affirming ideas, not merely stepping stones or “a step in the right direction.”  But I realize that some believe it only counts if same-sex relationships are seen as exactly the same as marriage between a man and a woman.

            If you’ve made it this far, congratulations!  Your reward is understanding that no, I don’t wish gay Pride would just go away or not exist; just an understanding that there are a whole lot of other LGBT people who exist outside that narrative and who are pioneers in their own right.  I believe expressing my feelings about gay Pride allows me to connect with others who have similar sentiments.  There are even gay people who have different beliefs about marriage than I do…but who have similar conflicts I do every year gay Pride rolls around.  Perhaps it’s a political thing.  I’ve met gay people who feel like the flag of the United States represents them much better than the rainbow flag does.  I’ve met gay people who are even more “conservative” than I am!  They are no less pioneers than others in the LGBT community. 

            I feel like I understand those who say, “What sin are we celebrating next month?”  It may be a narrow view of gay Pride and homosexuality in general, but I still feel like I can talk to them and find commonality in our mutual distaste for various aspects of Pride.  In my experience (and I’ve been told this), knowing about the diversity of thought and perspective among people who are gay/same-sex attracted…leads to a greater understanding among a wider population of “lay” people.  People approach questions like, “Why would someone who believes in marriage between a man and a woman choose to be gay?”  “Why would someone with beliefs in the law of chastity choose to be gay?” 

            Perhaps those of us who are critical of the modern-day Pride celebrations, the publicity stunts and the LGBT political machine are just another swing of the same pendulum.  We’re still helping people understand us better, just from a different angle.  Perhaps people appreciate knowing there are LGBT people who break away from narratives that they feel are being shoved in their face.  I can relate with that!  So no, I don’t know that I want Pride to not exist.  I just know there are more LGBT people who exist outside of that movement who are just trying to live their lives alongside everyone else.  It’s not glamorous, but it’s the life the majority of people live.