Pride Month Isn’t Neutral

 DISCLAIMER: Ok really, you can do LGBT Pride or view it however you want. I don’t want to tell you what to do. I’m not standing in the way. I’m just expressing how I feel. 

A coworker of mine sent me a message asking if I had seen an agency-wide email that had come out. She asked, “Did you roll your eyes?” Sure enough, there was announcement in regard to Pride Month. Luckily my coworker understands my sensitivities around that topic. Nevertheless, I thought, “Ugh. It’s coming…again.” 

One of my fears is LGBT Pride becoming the mainstream, neutral lens through which to view everyone who might fall under that (ever-shifting and expanding) umbrella…that it’s in the workplace, corporations, entertainment, even among membership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints...and that I won’t feel “neutral” or “politically neutral” about it…that I’ll feel left behind…that I’ll become more and more fringe while the rest of the world “progresses.” 

I’ve had several people tell me (and I have told this to myself to try and “fix” my opinions) that, “It’s about you being you as an individual!!! It’s about being yourself!” I’ve heard it all. Those things are worth exploring. But to me, Pride itself still feels cultish, a sacred cow that I don’t dare disturb! To me it signals an ideology. It’s about collectivism and a never-ending oppressed vs oppressor narrative. It feels more virtue signally and compelled than genuine and authentic (at least for me). There will always be something to complain about. There will always be unfairness.  And apparently there will always be new categories of queerness to identify into (just what I’m seeing). 

I don’t want to discount little gems here and there. As I’ve been on tour with the choir (which was usually during Pride month), I felt thankful to be among friends. I felt connected. That made the rainbows and gay themes less triggering. It was “my pride.”  I felt super validated when someone simply asked my feelings about Pride.

Also, I did a little experiment…I’m a frequent Disneyland traveler, and I figured it’s a decent place to express myself. I’ve seen liberal and conservative t-shirts being worn (and let's remember the hot young Latter-day Saint dads). I brought my Gays Against Groomers shirt (which I ended up not wearing to the parks because I didn’t want the kids to get wrapped up in all that) and a “God’s Promise” rainbow t-shirt. I still have an inner rebel…a desire to be the radical in the room.  And this is it.  As I allowed myself to express myself through my t-shirts at Disneyland, I found myself more “ok” with those who wore mainstream Pride memorabilia (and I could just chuckle at the Pride collections at many Disney stores). 

Some might say, “But that’s what it’s all about! Expressing yourself!” And my response might be, “That’s cute,” because I do believe there is an ideological war happening. No matter how innocent, fun or freeing it may look or actually be for some people…I think some nefarious ideologies can sneak their way in. For example, a tenet of Queer Theory is that everything deemed “normal” or “traditional” must be challenged and dismantled. This runs right along with the “disintegration of the family” we hear of in the Family Proclamation; intentional efforts to undermine the traditional family unit as a societal ideal, whereas I and many others who happen to be gay, bi or trans have no desire to be part of those efforts in order to exist in our individual situations. 

I do like the idea of individuality and a healthy sense of pride in oneself.  I had kind of a pivotal moment when I heard a podcast guest (hosted by Will Reusch) say "you should be proud of yourself" amid being asked about how she handles her haters...and she happened to be a conservative black lesbian. There are many qualities I associate with being gay that I actually like. And heck, I’d love to walk down the street hand in hand with a guy friend. I’d love the confidence to strut around topless. I just question whether LGBT Pride has to validate all of this. Perhaps in the past. Maybe. Perhaps I have benefitted from earlier iterations of the movement. I just know my story has unfolded as being something else outside of Pride. I see my ideas about celibate partnership and other forms of brotherhood as being “outside of Pride.” It seems like such a movement would see an eventual fizzling out of necessity. But…of course…being critical of Pride is seen as anti-gay, whereas I know differently. 

Actually, I became somewhat involved with a group precisely *because* they didn’t do Pride. They were different, somewhat “set apart.”  From there I learned about how I can accept and understand this part of myself and still live according to the standards of my faith, and this does include affection and intimacy with men! Yet even that group has become more enveloped by LGBT Pride. 

It’s been said that “Pride is still needed because someone out there feels like they’d be better off dead.” Yes, it is a very serious and painful topic. Yet I still feel off about that statement. And maybe that feeling of “off-ness” will still have yet to come to my understanding. Maybe it’s because it’s another generalization? Maybe it suggests that all people who are attracted to their own sex or have gender dysphoria, and those who love, them must go through the sacred circles of the Pride movement? Perhaps it suggests that Pride is the only mechanism for healing and existing in the world? 

I just know I’ve gone through my own brushes with suicide ideation, and it was a complex mess. I’m just reminded how I didn’t feel good about getting help from explicitly gay affirming resources, but I was still miserable. Luckily I work with someone understands how to work with individuals seeking to remain in the Church AND anyone who feels weird about Pride and other aspects of social justice ideology...AND he would still work with me if I had a boyfriend. 

I can’t help but wonder if aspects of the modern-day Pride movement could possibly contribute to one’s feelings of helplessness. I remember feeling burdened by the idea that the only ways out of my misery was to be sexual with men…or die.  I wasn't in a good place either way.  I believe this is a sad binary perpetuated by many well-meaning LGBT “allies” or organizations. 

“But some people like Pride.” Yes. I know. That’s kind of the “norm” for me.  Therefore, I feel like I constantly have to speak up for myself as long as “LGBT, etc.” is mentioned under a large banner. I don’t think I’d be seeing it at work if it wasn’t accepted as a mainstream catch all for people like me. 

So there. Here I am speaking up for myself. 

Let me just say that when I hear of people stealing Pride flags and/or burning them, I get angry. I don’t feel personally offended or hate-crimed against. But I believe it’s rude and violates a freedom of expression.  I'm also able to clarify some things about Pride for people who honestly may not know.

As I’ve mentioned, perhaps I do benefit indirectly from earlier iterations of the Pride movement. But now it provides me a good opportunity for humor.  I think humor can be unifying.  And I also have the opportunity to self-reflect and understand myself a little bit more. I'm not so sure the end goal is to “authentically feel represented by Pride.” I just have the opportunity to understand the “why” behind so many of my feelings. 

I know some who have been involved with earlier Pride movements or efforts to legalize same-sex marriage…who believe today’s Pride is unrecognizable from what they initially fought for (See Andrew Sullivan, Douglas Murray, Dave Rubin, Spencer Klavan…).   Some (including myself) desire to separate the LGB from the T and everything afterword, because it's just such a different set of cards.  Not that there aren't transgender people, too, who feel weird about what's going on.

Every year I see people trying to soften Pride and convince people to embrace it.  And then there are others who are cautioning against it. You don’t need to embrace the Pride movement to learn how to see people through God’s eyes. “LGBT Pride” is not the same as “LGBT people.” We’re individual children of God with a wide variety of likes and dislikes. Perhaps some of the hesitations about Pride you may have are worth listening to. Maybe some of them are worth discarding. I don’t know.  Just don't let allegations of "homophobia" blind you to your own critical thinking when it comes to what to support and what not to support. 

Some of us feel like we’re living in a “post-Pride” world. It seems like that would be the next logical step. However, I don’t doubt that some forces want to keep the fuel of division and anti-integration going (and from where I sit it’s not the religious folks). So I intend to defy those forces.