I don’t fully know how to describe my feelings whenever I
see someone else get engaged or married to a same-sex partner. It’s a complex set of emotions. It’s no use for anyone but myself to try and
narrow it down to a single feeling. That
kind of conversation is reserved for those who would sit down with me and
really listen.
However, one of the questions that often comes up is, “Why
marriage?” “Were no other options
considered?” I once posed this question
on-line and one commenter mentioned all the legal benefits that come along with
the institution of marriage. It ended up
turning into one of those marriage debates and how civil unions weren’t good enough,
blah blah blah…. OK…that’s
understood. Same-sex marriage is a thing
now. They have their reward, and I trust
that there’s enough support out there, not to mention Latter-day Saint oriented
ally groups. Now, what about those who
want something else (and in fact, support for any LGBT individual with traditional views on marriage)?
Outside of all the legal crap, it seems as though marriage
is often portrayed as the only alternative to loneliness or singleness. But does it have to be that way? I can’t speak from experience. Maybe I’m too naïve. Perhaps there is something about growing
close to someone that inevitably leads to sex and marriage? Perhaps getting married makes the sexual
aspect feel more moral? Granted, I come
from a perspective where marriage is tied to a man and a woman exercising the
powers of procreation, including all the arrangements that preserve that kind
of marriage culture (for example, an infertile couple or an aged couple who are
past child-bearing years, yet still being married). Therefore, nothing I could have with a man,
no matter how loving, no matter how sexual, is the same as a marriage. It could
be something else though, and that’s what I feel deserves more exploration. (I've heard many arguments to the contrary of my view on marriage. Again...the courts have spoken, and I do support individuals who take advantage of that option.)
There are those of us who have deep feelings and beliefs
about what marriage is and want to honor that, yet that longing of forming a
pair bond with someone remains, and I’m not sure marriage and sexual relations
have to be a part of that. Yet when we
look around at other same-sex attracted individuals, it’s like Christ when He
said, “Will ye also go away?” As a
friend of mine put it, “I’m just looking for someone to stay in the Church with
me.” I have lots of respect for anyone
in the LGBT community who wants to remain involved with the Church, but I’m
referring to keeping covenants, honoring the biblical view of marriage, and yet
still pursuing life together.
With people getting married right and left, though, it
leaves me feeling discouraged. It
causes me to wonder if my idea of a celibate (possibly imperfectly so)
companionship is not possible in our world.
Sometimes it feels like the “loneliness vs. marriage”
narrative is an extension of black and white thinking that can be so prominent. I guess I’d like to invite
people in religion and in society as a whole to possibly make room for relationships
and friendships that don’t fit either of the norms. I suppose this is my "open letter to the Church." We know what we're not supposed to do, yet what are we to do? There may not be any answers on a church-wide level. But hopefully we can have the freedom to explore with our personal revelation.
