I was invited to give a talk in my parents' ward a couple weeks ago. I was asked to choose and speak on a Christlike attribute. I immediately thought of His ability to love. I felt like I wanted to share my talk on my blog. I don't like the idea of promoting myself and drawing a bunch of attention. I just feel like I have some things to share that I don't often see in Christian/Latter-day Saint and LGBT conversations. How often are we kind and compassionate to ourselves? Even when we struggle to love others, how often to we come back to how we treat ourselves and pondering on how God views us?
Another important point I'd like to make is that contrary to what we see in the media, there are many Latter-day Saints who want to talk about these "real," and difficult topics, especially within a faithful perspective. Many people came up to me and said, "I have a gay son," "I have a gay brother." Recently, I've started to feel more at home among communities of saints than in groups specifically set up for LGBT people, although I still hope to be more of my "gay self" at church and with my family...and I'm still learning what that looks like. But overall, my spiritual home is with fellow Christians in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
OK...now here's my talk...
OK...now here's my talk...
I’d like to talk first about the individual love the Savior has for us and the importance of loving ourselves. Then I’ll talk about how that can naturally lead us to love others.
In learning about the love of God in my own life, I’d like to share some of my own spiritual journey, as a son of God who just so happens to find other sons of God rather attractive. I hope that some of what I share will resonate with you and can be applied in a variety of circumstances.
There have been many times I’ve struggled to love myself. I didn’t know what it meant to love myself, and sometimes I still don’t. Other times I thought I had to figure out how to love myself while simultaneously hating my passions and attractions. That didn’t work. There have been times of living in fear that God would stop loving me if I made a mistake, left the Church or if I engaged in behaviors that weren’t in line with the gospel.
However, over the years (and especially recently), I have been surprised to learn that God’s love is always there.
In the April 2013 General Conference, President Monson gave a talk entitled “We Never Walk Alone”. He said,
“Your Heavenly Father loves you—each of you. That love never changes…It is simply there. It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there.”
As I’ve prayed and pondered about various paths to take in life, as I’ve made mistakes and repented over and over again, as I’ve wrestled before the Lord, I’ve learned that the voice of the Lord is not one that rules through fear and shame. His voice has always been one of love, compassion and perfect understandingeven when I’ve needed corrections. Humor has been a helpful relief in many circumstances, and I consider it a blessing. Heavenly Father cracks some pretty good gay jokes with me every now and then. More and more I am able to invite Him into the picture and be completely honest with Him. But there was a span of several years where I thought I had to hide this from God and others, and I lived in shame.
But as I’ve come to know the Lord as a perfect, all-knowing and all-loving being, the answer always seems to be, “I know. You don’t need to be ashamed. You don’t need to hide. I love you.” Sometimes this love would overwhelm me and even make me angry. I almost wanted Him to love me only if I kept the commandments, as if that were the proper motivation for living my life on a covenant path.
But that was not His will. He just wouldn’t stop loving me. SIowly, but surely, I figured if He could love all of me, and all the things about myself I thought were displeasing, then maybe I could start loving myself too. This hasn’t been easy. I’ve needed a lot of help from my family, from church leaders, from friends and from therapists. They’ve helped me to see that I am worthy of love and belonging. This love hasn’t been a green light to abandon my covenants or leave the Church. Rather, it’s been an invitation to trust in that love, to experiment upon the word and use all the spiritual tools that I’ve been given to discern the fruits of the Spirit in my life. There have been risks and mistakes along the way, and the future is rather unclear. But the amazing thing about divine love and grace is that it actually makes me want to do the things necessary to stay close to God.
He hasn’t taken away my attractions. I don’t feel like that was His will, and I don’t really want Him to. Instead, He has transformed them into something beautiful, perhaps a gift to be used within the bounds He has set. He has taught me that there are many more ways to give and receive love outside of romantic relationships that I personally feel our culture tends to idolize. I’ve learned about brotherhood and friendship and their important roles in building the kingdom of God. I’m learning about admiring the beauty in those around me (yes, mostly men). I’m learning to see beyond the physical and appreciate all of who they are as my spiritual brothers. I’ve learned about the healing power of healthy physical affection, like giving hugs, putting an arm around a shoulder or even holding hands.
I recently read a book about faith and brotherhood. The author made reference to when Christ was physically on the earth performing miracles of healing. He could have simply said “be healed,” but in many cases He chose to touch His disciples in meaningful ways as part of their healing. I also like to think of how He called 12 apostles to be with Him and minister with Him. I like to think of the bonds of love they must have shared with one another. I know this is true of the leaders of our Church today as I see them interact at General Conference.
I’ve been led to other amazing men and women who are also gay or same-sex attracted. Some of these people are members of other faiths. But they have strong desires to honor God’s law of marriage between a man and a woman and the law of chastity in that regard. I have a close-knit group of brothers who are on the same journey. I love them very much. Unfortunately, many of us live in different states, but we share a love for the gospel and a love for each other. I would not be here today without their love and support. While I am able to hold space for the possibility of marriage to a woman and having a family, I certainly hope for deep and abiding friendships with my brothers in the eternities.
Naturally, I’ve had friends who have left the Church, distanced themselves from friends and family or who struggle to stay on a covenant path. The reasons are varied and incredibly complex. It has been a personal struggle for me to understand how togenuinely love those who might choose a path outside of the gospel. This is especially true about differences in political or religious beliefs and when there is anger and bitterness about doctrines of the gospel.
I enjoyed Sister Neill Marriott’s talk entitled “Abiding in God and Repairing the Breach.” She talks about an argument she had with her relative and it left her angry. She vented her feelings out in prayer, but then she said, “You probably want me to love her…How can I love her? I don’t think I even like her. My heart is hard; my feelings are hurt. I can’t do it.” Then the Spirit prompted her to say, “But You love her, Heavenly Father. Would you give me a portion of Your love for her—so I can love her too?”
This is a pattern I have had to follow. Love can be difficult. I can’t force myself to love in God’s way. I can’t shame myself into loving someone unconditionally. But I can trust that the Lord loves them, and I can pray for a portion of His love. This is closely connected with how I view myself and whether or not I can feel God’s love for me. It’s rather difficult to give oil to someone else, if don’t have any in my lamp. I’m certainly not perfect, but I’ve learned a little bit more about a love that does not condone sin, but neither does it require me to constantly remind my friends where I stand. The Holy Ghost can do the work. No matter what their relationship status is or the nature of it, they are still divine children of God.
I also have friends who have returned to church activity and to a covenant path, and even then their paths vary. I have a couple friends who are partners, and several years ago made changes in their lives and got to a place where one was able to baptize the other. They’ve served faithfully in the Church and in the temple, and they care for each other as brothers in Christ. I have some other friends, a man and a woman, who were once in same-sex marriages, but who are now married and sealed to each other as husband and wife. Furthermore, he also baptized his former husband. A major factor behind these friends’ changes in their lives was that they had family members, church leaders and others who were there for them already and lovedthem no matter where they were on their journey.
Elder Quentin L. Cook has said,
“Let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion, and outreach. Let’s not have families exclude or be disrespectful of those who choose a different lifestyle as a result of their feelings about their own gender.”
…and I’ll add...as a result of many other possible circumstances.
I am incredibly grateful for my family. I think this has been a journey for all of us. There was never a time where I had to “come out” to my parents. This was something we learned about together. I have the assurance that their love for me is not dependent on where I am in my faith journey. This has allowed me to develop more of a personal relationship with Christ and learn more about my covenants with Him, without the fear of family rejection.
The second greatest commandment says, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Often this is used in reference to loving others, but I frequently forget the part that says “as thyself.” We need to love ourselves. I believe that when we remember how precious we are to our Heavenly Parents, and as we love and respect ourselves, loving others in holy ways almost comes naturally.
