If You Wanna Be My Ally…

 Sorry, I don’t have a parody of the Spice Girls’ “If You Wanna Be My Lover,” but that would be fun. 

The “ally” term usually causes me to recoil (and of course, there’s usually someone who loves to jump in and say that my recoiling is a sign of my internalized homophobia and oppression and add to that all the other -ists and -phobics). 

On the topic of women in engineering, someone asked me, “Do you think women should be able to work in engineering?” 

“Yes, of course.”

“Well then you’d be an ally.”

How about just normal? Or maybe I can’t be a true “ally” if I’m not actively advocating for gender equality or parity at work. I’m suddenly “part of the problem.” But yeah, it just doesn’t always jive with me. As one of my favorite YouTubers says, “some people have allies. I have friends.”

Understand that several LGBT people have traditional views on marriage and sexual behavior…in that marriage was ultimately ordained to be between a man and a woman and a major part of it is to lend towards children having a mother and father wherever possible. Even some people in same-sex relationships still herald the union of a man and a woman and the potential for children as a fundamental unit of society. 

That being said, we still have needs that are tricky to meet within that context. But it’s necessary and I’m still figuring that out. 

Also understand that several of us believe in biological sex and that there are two sexes/genders. I personally think gender dysphoria exists, but I think something else is happening. Some of us would like a separation between LGB and everything that comes after in the acronym. They’re different things. 

Understand that some of us view modern-day Pride as not only “not for us,” but divisive and has the potential to increase anti-gay sentiment. I believe there is a Marxist effort called “queer theory” that seeks to challenge and dismantle anything that is considered to be “normal.” A gay couple living in harmony in their largely Christian neighborhood is a queer Marxist’s worst nightmare. The division and victimhood mentality is intentional. 

Some LGB people are conservative. Some are Trump supporters (yes, I know the nuance and confusion there, but I believe it’s largely fear mongering and ideological warfare to characterize him as a racist sexist homophobe. Being a narcissistic figure who potentially tried overturning an election does not a racist, sexist homophobe make). I often feel like the assumption is leftism, and that if you “Love your LGBT friends and family? Then you MUST vote for democrats…(and typically the ones who are illiberal).” For me it’s a special kind of weird, “in between” feeling to be gay and conservative. If there’s anything I’d want an “ally” for, it’s being able to explain the case for Trump (or if not, the conservative cases on a lot of social issues) better than I can. 

Similar to striving to keep covenants in the Church, or if I’m not in lockstep or mostly in agreement with the left’s approach to LGBT, etc. (mostly the T, etc…) then there’s no use talking to me or being concerned for those who are more orthodox or conservative. What about those who actually like or at least understand President Oaks’ teaching about the family unit, or Elder Holland’s BYU talk, “The Second Half of the Century at BYU?” I mean we must have it all made and have it all together, right? (Not really)

On a similar but lighter note, just know that I see a plain rainbow flag as political. This is why I believe I should be able to add something like MAGA or Let‘s Go Brandon (conveniently LGB) to a rainbow, wherever plain rainbows are present, and have it be ok. 

I hear about “allyship” all the time. And I know there are ideologies that demand ideological conformity. Or if you’re an “ally” then you’re on the political left and support almost anything that gets put forward under the LGBT, etc. umbrella. I’ve even gotten vibes of personal pride and self-righteousness (virtue signaling) from some people claiming to be “LGBT allies.” Some of it is genuine concern. I just think the multiplicity of ideas can allow for people who go about doing good in quiet, natural and “normal” ways. As in…you don’t need to make any sort of pledge, wave a flag or brand yourself as an “ally” in order to be a decent person. I know. I know…I’m from a more recent generation where such things haven’t been desperately needed as in the past. But it seems like integration and acceptance would lead to less gay rainbows; not more…or at least greater understanding for heterodox beliefs and feelings surrounding Pride, social justice narratives, “allyship” etc. 

Unless…of course…some forces do NOT want harmony and will continue to prey on and stir up anger in somewhat marginalized groups in society, gradually eroding our commonalities and ties as human beings and individuals. Perhaps I’m being hypocritical in saying that I want distinctions and separations in the LGBT, etc umbrella while hoping for a return to unity in Christ, covenant belonging, and/or unity in national belonging, whatever country we live in. Plus…I also have been leaning more into and understanding my sexuality as a “way of being,” if not a type of “identity”…even as I have a stance leaning away from identity politics. But in my head it makes sense…

I Don't "Identify" as Gay. I Just Am.

 I’ve been thinking a lot about identity. 

This is partially in response to a pretty prominent Instagram influencer on the more conservative end of the spectrum.  I actually agree with him on a lot. He was aware of those of us in the Church experiencing same-sex attraction and such, but in response to almost everything related to the topic, he kept referring to our primary identities as children of God.  That we shouldn’t be “identifying” with our “struggles,” “temptations,” or “sexual feelings.”  He’s not wrong, but the way he was doing it seemed at the expense of any conversation or attempt to understand.

So often it feels like the phrase, “It’s not all of who you are,” or “it’s not your identity” is an attempt to sidestep a conversation or a quick way to “make it better.”  Stuff like this doesn’t always hit me right.  Sure, remembering that I am “more” than my sexuality helps in times when I am discouraged about it.  But it’s not helpful when I need to vent or even share miraculous, positive things that have happened in my life in connection with my attractions.

It also causes me to question how I characterize my sexuality.  Why even talk about this (some might be thinking…)?  Well…God gave us sexual feelings for the purpose of growing and replenishing the earth and uniting two halves of society, male and female.  So, sexuality is pretty important.  Perhaps it’s not an “identity,” but it sounds pretty central to creation!  It doesn’t just become insignificant if it happens to be oriented differently.

Long ago, I attended a Faith and Feelings Conference in Provo, Utah.  I can’t even remember who, but someone said, “Our sexuality isn’t all of who we are, but it happens to hit right in the eye of who we are.”  That resonated with me.  That made sense to me.  So often telling myself to “remember my eternal identity” feels like once again pushing a way my sexuality.  Cause how could my same-sex attraction and my being a son of God ever exist at the same time?  We’re supposed to “put off the natural man,” right?  But this always just leaves me feeling fragmented.

President Nelson brought up three core identities for all of us: A child of God, a child of the covenant, and a disciple of Christ (July 2022).  I do think this is very important.  I’m still pondering on what it means to be all of these things.  I think it’s a journey and a “wrestle” that binds all covenant followers of Christ together.  I think it’s quite beautiful.  By keeping my covenants and taking part in my circle of influence in the Church, I already belong.  And being a child of God?  That’s something that applies to all of us.  It’s one of the reasons that I have a certain distaste for “identity politics” and essentializing things that divide us over and above the things we have in common.  I believe it is a force that is intentionally wielded to keep people divided.

That being said, being a child of God doesn’t make me any less gay.  Being gay doesn’t make me any less child of God.  In other words, my sexuality still has meaning.  It’s still a pretty defining aspect of my life and where I am right now in it.  It’s still something to be present with and something that lends to my overall emotional being (as awkward as sexuality is to talk about).  This is something applicable to people making a variety of life choices with their sexuality or otherwise.  I’ve had to accept and re-accept that I’m wired for men.  Rather than seeing it as a disability, something to overcome, or a tendency towards sin (hint: being heterosexual would also be a tendency toward sin…just turn on the TV), I see it more as a state of being in this world.  Is this an “identity?”  I honestly do not know.

In fact, I weary sometimes when it comes to “identity” and “labels.”  I’m going say something I don’t often admit to, but I do struggle with the Church’s same-sex attraction resource when it says, “those who experience same-sex attraction or identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual.”  I have a hard time with the separation.  After I “came out,” those two ideas were kind of one in the same.  I feel like “identify as,” in this instance, solidifies it as an “identity” when I don’t want it to.  I don’t “identify” as gay.  I just am.  But I’m fully aware of other situations where I prefer to insert that word, such as in transgender situations and the ever-changing narrative around that.

One of my own “heroes” in the SSA/LGB world…someone with whom I do share a lot of agreement…said the Church was correct in designating it as a separate identity.  Perhaps there is a very good reason that I do not fully know yet (queer theory is a destructive force I’ve been keeping an eye on…so that’s probably a factor).  I remain open to the idea that sexuality is just complex…more so than any “side” likes to believe.

I will say that Church resources also leave wiggle room, such as “what does gay mean to you?”  There are provisions that some language and meanings of words have changed over time.  “Queer” is one of those words for me.  I used to be ok with it.  The former name of my blog is “Covenant Keeping Queer.”  However, with further political baggage, including queer theory and social justice ideologies, I’ve decided to retire that name.

I don’t like radically avoiding the word “gay,” and I don’t like radically avoiding “same-sex attraction.”  Sometimes they mean different things to me and other times they’re the same.  It’s just whatever rolls off the tongue for me.

But enough about words. 

I’ve recently had to lean more into my…whatever you want to call it…gay identity/state of being/whatever.  It can be very easy to feel distressed when I find a man attractive or if I start undressing him with my mind.  I’ve heard all about “committing adultery already,” through lust.  Yet I’ve had to unlearn and relearn what lust actually is (it’s undefined for me at the moment).  For example, in a recent Sunday School lesson, one of my crushes was teaching the lesson.  He grooms himself well, dresses nicely, and by golly he’s strong in the gospel!  Yes, I had “lustful” thoughts running through my head, and I was spending a lot of energy trying to push them away, berating myself for them, or telling myself that I shouldn’t be thinking or feeling these things. 

Plus, I wasn’t able to pay attention to the lesson and feel the Spirit.

But a small idea came to my mind: “Just let it all in.”

I allowed myself to admire our teacher in all ways, spiritually, emotionally, and yes…even physically.  And just like that, I felt relieved, and I was able to listen to the lesson more fully, feel the Spirit once again, and give fellow classmates more attention when they were contributing.  I’ve had several experiences like this that have led me to the idea that God wants all of me.  He wants all of me to come unto Him.  Unfortunately, I feel like there is a lot of cultural programming and shame that wants me to hide stuff from God (and I don’t think this is unique to the experience of same-sex attraction).  It’s like experiencing my sexuality and, heavens, even enjoying it within the bounds the Lord has set, is part of my worship.  It’s the same sensation as admiring the beauties of nature and giving gratitude to Heavenly Father.

No.  It doesn’t always make sense.

Now, I wouldn’t hold up the 1997 film, Titanic as a great example of sexual morality, but one scene keeps popping up in my mind.  When Jack and Rose are on the deck just before the ship hits the iceberg, Rose tells Jack that she will be exiting the ship with him (enter dramatic irony).  She says, “I know, it doesn’t make sense – that’s why I trust it.”  This is most certainly not a catch all for everything.  Just because something “doesn’t make sense” doesn’t make it right.  There’s a whole spirit and “feeling of rightness” involved.  But when I’m striving to keep my covenants and stay close to Christ, perhaps I can trust those special moments that “don’t make sense” in the realms of this world, but still feel “right” in some way.

If something helps me more fully draw closer to the Lord, perhaps it can be a part of my identity?

Pride Month Isn’t Neutral

 DISCLAIMER: Ok really, you can do LGBT Pride or view it however you want. I don’t want to tell you what to do. I’m not standing in the way. I’m just expressing how I feel. 

A coworker of mine sent me a message asking if I had seen an agency-wide email that had come out. She asked, “Did you roll your eyes?” Sure enough, there was announcement in regard to Pride Month. Luckily my coworker understands my sensitivities around that topic. Nevertheless, I thought, “Ugh. It’s coming…again.” 

One of my fears is LGBT Pride becoming the mainstream, neutral lens through which to view everyone who might fall under that (ever-shifting and expanding) umbrella…that it’s in the workplace, corporations, entertainment, even among membership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints...and that I won’t feel “neutral” or “politically neutral” about it…that I’ll feel left behind…that I’ll become more and more fringe while the rest of the world “progresses.” 

I’ve had several people tell me (and I have told this to myself to try and “fix” my opinions) that, “It’s about you being you as an individual!!! It’s about being yourself!” I’ve heard it all. Those things are worth exploring. But to me, Pride itself still feels cultish, a sacred cow that I don’t dare disturb! To me it signals an ideology. It’s about collectivism and a never-ending oppressed vs oppressor narrative. It feels more virtue signally and compelled than genuine and authentic (at least for me). There will always be something to complain about. There will always be unfairness.  And apparently there will always be new categories of queerness to identify into (just what I’m seeing). 

I don’t want to discount little gems here and there. As I’ve been on tour with the choir (which was usually during Pride month), I felt thankful to be among friends. I felt connected. That made the rainbows and gay themes less triggering. It was “my pride.”  I felt super validated when someone simply asked my feelings about Pride.

Also, I did a little experiment…I’m a frequent Disneyland traveler, and I figured it’s a decent place to express myself. I’ve seen liberal and conservative t-shirts being worn (and let's remember the hot young Latter-day Saint dads). I brought my Gays Against Groomers shirt (which I ended up not wearing to the parks because I didn’t want the kids to get wrapped up in all that) and a “God’s Promise” rainbow t-shirt. I still have an inner rebel…a desire to be the radical in the room.  And this is it.  As I allowed myself to express myself through my t-shirts at Disneyland, I found myself more “ok” with those who wore mainstream Pride memorabilia (and I could just chuckle at the Pride collections at many Disney stores). 

Some might say, “But that’s what it’s all about! Expressing yourself!” And my response might be, “That’s cute,” because I do believe there is an ideological war happening. No matter how innocent, fun or freeing it may look or actually be for some people…I think some nefarious ideologies can sneak their way in. For example, a tenet of Queer Theory is that everything deemed “normal” or “traditional” must be challenged and dismantled. This runs right along with the “disintegration of the family” we hear of in the Family Proclamation; intentional efforts to undermine the traditional family unit as a societal ideal, whereas I and many others who happen to be gay, bi or trans have no desire to be part of those efforts in order to exist in our individual situations. 

I do like the idea of individuality and a healthy sense of pride in oneself.  I had kind of a pivotal moment when I heard a podcast guest (hosted by Will Reusch) say "you should be proud of yourself" amid being asked about how she handles her haters...and she happened to be a conservative black lesbian. There are many qualities I associate with being gay that I actually like. And heck, I’d love to walk down the street hand in hand with a guy friend. I’d love the confidence to strut around topless. I just question whether LGBT Pride has to validate all of this. Perhaps in the past. Maybe. Perhaps I have benefitted from earlier iterations of the movement. I just know my story has unfolded as being something else outside of Pride. I see my ideas about celibate partnership and other forms of brotherhood as being “outside of Pride.” It seems like such a movement would see an eventual fizzling out of necessity. But…of course…being critical of Pride is seen as anti-gay, whereas I know differently. 

Actually, I became somewhat involved with a group precisely *because* they didn’t do Pride. They were different, somewhat “set apart.”  From there I learned about how I can accept and understand this part of myself and still live according to the standards of my faith, and this does include affection and intimacy with men! Yet even that group has become more enveloped by LGBT Pride. 

It’s been said that “Pride is still needed because someone out there feels like they’d be better off dead.” Yes, it is a very serious and painful topic. Yet I still feel off about that statement. And maybe that feeling of “off-ness” will still have yet to come to my understanding. Maybe it’s because it’s another generalization? Maybe it suggests that all people who are attracted to their own sex or have gender dysphoria, and those who love, them must go through the sacred circles of the Pride movement? Perhaps it suggests that Pride is the only mechanism for healing and existing in the world? 

I just know I’ve gone through my own brushes with suicide ideation, and it was a complex mess. I’m just reminded how I didn’t feel good about getting help from explicitly gay affirming resources, but I was still miserable. Luckily I work with someone understands how to work with individuals seeking to remain in the Church AND anyone who feels weird about Pride and other aspects of social justice ideology...AND he would still work with me if I had a boyfriend. 

I can’t help but wonder if aspects of the modern-day Pride movement could possibly contribute to one’s feelings of helplessness. I remember feeling burdened by the idea that the only ways out of my misery was to be sexual with men…or die.  I wasn't in a good place either way.  I believe this is a sad binary perpetuated by many well-meaning LGBT “allies” or organizations. 

“But some people like Pride.” Yes. I know. That’s kind of the “norm” for me.  Therefore, I feel like I constantly have to speak up for myself as long as “LGBT, etc.” is mentioned under a large banner. I don’t think I’d be seeing it at work if it wasn’t accepted as a mainstream catch all for people like me. 

So there. Here I am speaking up for myself. 

Let me just say that when I hear of people stealing Pride flags and/or burning them, I get angry. I don’t feel personally offended or hate-crimed against. But I believe it’s rude and violates a freedom of expression.  I'm also able to clarify some things about Pride for people who honestly may not know.

As I’ve mentioned, perhaps I do benefit indirectly from earlier iterations of the Pride movement. But now it provides me a good opportunity for humor.  I think humor can be unifying.  And I also have the opportunity to self-reflect and understand myself a little bit more. I'm not so sure the end goal is to “authentically feel represented by Pride.” I just have the opportunity to understand the “why” behind so many of my feelings. 

I know some who have been involved with earlier Pride movements or efforts to legalize same-sex marriage…who believe today’s Pride is unrecognizable from what they initially fought for (See Andrew Sullivan, Douglas Murray, Dave Rubin, Spencer Klavan…).   Some (including myself) desire to separate the LGB from the T and everything afterword, because it's just such a different set of cards.  Not that there aren't transgender people, too, who feel weird about what's going on.

Every year I see people trying to soften Pride and convince people to embrace it.  And then there are others who are cautioning against it. You don’t need to embrace the Pride movement to learn how to see people through God’s eyes. “LGBT Pride” is not the same as “LGBT people.” We’re individual children of God with a wide variety of likes and dislikes. Perhaps some of the hesitations about Pride you may have are worth listening to. Maybe some of them are worth discarding. I don’t know.  Just don't let allegations of "homophobia" blind you to your own critical thinking when it comes to what to support and what not to support. 

Some of us feel like we’re living in a “post-Pride” world. It seems like that would be the next logical step. However, I don’t doubt that some forces want to keep the fuel of division and anti-integration going (and from where I sit it’s not the religious folks). So I intend to defy those forces.