My Other Brothers

It's getting to be a very awkward position to be in...the experience of being gay and at the same time affirming a traditional view of marriage and sexuality. I've noticed that things in the LDS LGBT world can be very polarizing and hurtful, with a lot of drama over same-sex marriage, the law of chastity, liking Pride and not liking Pride, conversion therapy, waiting for the Church to receive "the Revelation" that gays can get married...oh excuse me...to each other...excuse me again...to a member of the same sex (I mean...no one has ever barred me from the blessings of marriage...no one...I could marry a gay woman too...gays getting married in the temple...), etc.  Since sexuality, although not *who* we are, seems to be near the *core* of our existence, it's understandable why there can be frequent clashing.

However, I felt like I had a break from all of that as I attended the second annual retreat with Your Other Brothers (YOB).  It's a group of Christian men, from a variety of denominations, who experience same-sex attraction.  We are a community of brothers supporting each other in honoring and living in a manner that respects the traditional view of marriage and sexuality.  That is, we respect marriage to be between a man and a woman and that sexual relations are to be kept within that union.  I feel like many in our world view that as an intense restriction, yet I'm gradually learning about the freedom that comes along with keeping covenants with God, however imperfect we may be at it.  This doesn't rule out the potential of being tempted or making mistakes.  But that's why we're here.

These brothers have differing views on terminology, and understandably so.  But there was a unity and understanding as we explained what we meant.  It was beautiful.

Several of these men are married to women and have children.  Others are carving out a joyful life singly and lending their time and talents to their faith groups and developing friendships.  I had a good conversation with one brother about the possibilities of celibate partnership.  I also learned of a group of brothers (gay and straight) buying a piece of land together and living in Christian community.  God's law is not a cage.  It seems to me like striving to be chaste opens up so many more ways of living and loving; ways that aren't (quite yet) talked about in church.

Since we have understandable (although small) differences in our theology, I felt more comfortable sharing what I believe.  I felt like I could share my testimony of what Latter-day Saints view as the Family Proclamation, AND testify of how I felt my own attractions can still fit in with that context.  I felt like I could do this without having to walk on eggshells trigger someone.

During this retreat, we had five breakout groups, each named after the core values of YOB: Hope, Humility, Brotherhood, Courage and Vulnerability.  I was in Vulnerability, symbolized by the feather on the stone pictured here.

Probably my favorite moment of the weekend was sitting in a circle with our small groups for testimony sharing.  These brave men shared about their varied experiences as gay Christians.  They also shared how they have been touched by the Savior and His Atonement.  I have a ton of respect for these brothers.  Being from Utah, I tend to hear a lot about my church being among the most "anti-gay," yet many of these brothers have been through much more than I have or what I have seen in my faith community.

We find ourselves in a unique position.  At least this is something I feel.  I've often said that I feel more at home in my faith community than in the LGBT community.  My beliefs do align more with my church, but I still have a need to love and be close to men.  In many ways, we understand the experience of dealing with same-sex attraction, and we also understand Christian doctrine.  I know I struggle building bridges directly with the LGBT community, but perhaps just by being a little more vulnerable and real at church, I can be a bridge so hearts will be softened and greater understanding will come.

I'm not in a position to change doctrine.  I don't even want it at this point.  I don't want to be lumped in with that mindset.  Many gay people, even some in same-sex relationships, do believe in and affirm a traditional Christian teaching on marriage.  I've also been in a process of separating myself from the "identities" around being gay.  But if describing myself as "gay" will bring teaching opportunities...opportunities to teach about my religion...or opportunities to teach my religion about this experience...I will gladly do so.

I have found that I need my community.  I need my community of brothers and sisters dealing with similar circumstances, but free from challenges to our core doctrines and beliefs.  When I get that cup filled, I'm better able to relate with and love those who choose differently.

It's often said that "love is love."  I feel like I live in a world where that is twisted to mean "love = sex and marriage," (yes, even in conservative Christian churches).  I am more than willing the celebrate the love that can exist in a same-sex relationship or marriage, even if I disagree on how it is expressed.  Yet there is more love out there to be had.  I am grateful to have found this community of brothers, who are on the cutting edge of discovering what love can be.  As I often say, God didn't create me to have sex with men, He created me to love them in deep and passionate ways.  I don't always know what that looks like, but I'm willing to keep on exploring.