If You Wanna Be My Ally…

 Sorry, I don’t have a parody of the Spice Girls’ “If You Wanna Be My Lover,” but that would be fun. 

The “ally” term usually causes me to recoil (and of course, there’s usually someone who loves to jump in and say that my recoiling is a sign of my internalized homophobia and oppression and add to that all the other -ists and -phobics). 

On the topic of women in engineering, someone asked me, “Do you think women should be able to work in engineering?” 

“Yes, of course.”

“Well then you’d be an ally.”

How about just normal? Or maybe I can’t be a true “ally” if I’m not actively advocating for gender equality or parity at work. I’m suddenly “part of the problem.” But yeah, it just doesn’t always jive with me. As one of my favorite YouTubers says, “some people have allies. I have friends.”

Understand that several LGBT people have traditional views on marriage and sexual behavior…in that marriage was ultimately ordained to be between a man and a woman and a major part of it is to lend towards children having a mother and father wherever possible. Even some people in same-sex relationships still herald the union of a man and a woman and the potential for children as a fundamental unit of society. 

That being said, we still have needs that are tricky to meet within that context. But it’s necessary and I’m still figuring that out. 

Also understand that several of us believe in biological sex and that there are two sexes/genders. I personally think gender dysphoria exists, but I think something else is happening. Some of us would like a separation between LGB and everything that comes after in the acronym. They’re different things. 

Understand that some of us view modern-day Pride as not only “not for us,” but divisive and has the potential to increase anti-gay sentiment. I believe there is a Marxist effort called “queer theory” that seeks to challenge and dismantle anything that is considered to be “normal.” A gay couple living in harmony in their largely Christian neighborhood is a queer Marxist’s worst nightmare. The division and victimhood mentality is intentional. 

Some LGB people are conservative. Some are Trump supporters (yes, I know the nuance and confusion there, but I believe it’s largely fear mongering and ideological warfare to characterize him as a racist sexist homophobe. Being a narcissistic figure who potentially tried overturning an election does not a racist, sexist homophobe make). I often feel like the assumption is leftism, and that if you “Love your LGBT friends and family? Then you MUST vote for democrats…(and typically the ones who are illiberal).” For me it’s a special kind of weird, “in between” feeling to be gay and conservative. If there’s anything I’d want an “ally” for, it’s being able to explain the case for Trump (or if not, the conservative cases on a lot of social issues) better than I can. 

Similar to striving to keep covenants in the Church, or if I’m not in lockstep or mostly in agreement with the left’s approach to LGBT, etc. (mostly the T, etc…) then there’s no use talking to me or being concerned for those who are more orthodox or conservative. What about those who actually like or at least understand President Oaks’ teaching about the family unit, or Elder Holland’s BYU talk, “The Second Half of the Century at BYU?” I mean we must have it all made and have it all together, right? (Not really)

On a similar but lighter note, just know that I see a plain rainbow flag as political. This is why I believe I should be able to add something like MAGA or Let‘s Go Brandon (conveniently LGB) to a rainbow, wherever plain rainbows are present, and have it be ok. 

I hear about “allyship” all the time. And I know there are ideologies that demand ideological conformity. Or if you’re an “ally” then you’re on the political left and support almost anything that gets put forward under the LGBT, etc. umbrella. I’ve even gotten vibes of personal pride and self-righteousness (virtue signaling) from some people claiming to be “LGBT allies.” Some of it is genuine concern. I just think the multiplicity of ideas can allow for people who go about doing good in quiet, natural and “normal” ways. As in…you don’t need to make any sort of pledge, wave a flag or brand yourself as an “ally” in order to be a decent person. I know. I know…I’m from a more recent generation where such things haven’t been desperately needed as in the past. But it seems like integration and acceptance would lead to less gay rainbows; not more…or at least greater understanding for heterodox beliefs and feelings surrounding Pride, social justice narratives, “allyship” etc. 

Unless…of course…some forces do NOT want harmony and will continue to prey on and stir up anger in somewhat marginalized groups in society, gradually eroding our commonalities and ties as human beings and individuals. Perhaps I’m being hypocritical in saying that I want distinctions and separations in the LGBT, etc umbrella while hoping for a return to unity in Christ, covenant belonging, and/or unity in national belonging, whatever country we live in. Plus…I also have been leaning more into and understanding my sexuality as a “way of being,” if not a type of “identity”…even as I have a stance leaning away from identity politics. But in my head it makes sense…

I Don't "Identify" as Gay. I Just Am.

 I’ve been thinking a lot about identity. 

This is partially in response to a pretty prominent Instagram influencer on the more conservative end of the spectrum.  I actually agree with him on a lot. He was aware of those of us in the Church experiencing same-sex attraction and such, but in response to almost everything related to the topic, he kept referring to our primary identities as children of God.  That we shouldn’t be “identifying” with our “struggles,” “temptations,” or “sexual feelings.”  He’s not wrong, but the way he was doing it seemed at the expense of any conversation or attempt to understand.

So often it feels like the phrase, “It’s not all of who you are,” or “it’s not your identity” is an attempt to sidestep a conversation or a quick way to “make it better.”  Stuff like this doesn’t always hit me right.  Sure, remembering that I am “more” than my sexuality helps in times when I am discouraged about it.  But it’s not helpful when I need to vent or even share miraculous, positive things that have happened in my life in connection with my attractions.

It also causes me to question how I characterize my sexuality.  Why even talk about this (some might be thinking…)?  Well…God gave us sexual feelings for the purpose of growing and replenishing the earth and uniting two halves of society, male and female.  So, sexuality is pretty important.  Perhaps it’s not an “identity,” but it sounds pretty central to creation!  It doesn’t just become insignificant if it happens to be oriented differently.

Long ago, I attended a Faith and Feelings Conference in Provo, Utah.  I can’t even remember who, but someone said, “Our sexuality isn’t all of who we are, but it happens to hit right in the eye of who we are.”  That resonated with me.  That made sense to me.  So often telling myself to “remember my eternal identity” feels like once again pushing a way my sexuality.  Cause how could my same-sex attraction and my being a son of God ever exist at the same time?  We’re supposed to “put off the natural man,” right?  But this always just leaves me feeling fragmented.

President Nelson brought up three core identities for all of us: A child of God, a child of the covenant, and a disciple of Christ (July 2022).  I do think this is very important.  I’m still pondering on what it means to be all of these things.  I think it’s a journey and a “wrestle” that binds all covenant followers of Christ together.  I think it’s quite beautiful.  By keeping my covenants and taking part in my circle of influence in the Church, I already belong.  And being a child of God?  That’s something that applies to all of us.  It’s one of the reasons that I have a certain distaste for “identity politics” and essentializing things that divide us over and above the things we have in common.  I believe it is a force that is intentionally wielded to keep people divided.

That being said, being a child of God doesn’t make me any less gay.  Being gay doesn’t make me any less child of God.  In other words, my sexuality still has meaning.  It’s still a pretty defining aspect of my life and where I am right now in it.  It’s still something to be present with and something that lends to my overall emotional being (as awkward as sexuality is to talk about).  This is something applicable to people making a variety of life choices with their sexuality or otherwise.  I’ve had to accept and re-accept that I’m wired for men.  Rather than seeing it as a disability, something to overcome, or a tendency towards sin (hint: being heterosexual would also be a tendency toward sin…just turn on the TV), I see it more as a state of being in this world.  Is this an “identity?”  I honestly do not know.

In fact, I weary sometimes when it comes to “identity” and “labels.”  I’m going say something I don’t often admit to, but I do struggle with the Church’s same-sex attraction resource when it says, “those who experience same-sex attraction or identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual.”  I have a hard time with the separation.  After I “came out,” those two ideas were kind of one in the same.  I feel like “identify as,” in this instance, solidifies it as an “identity” when I don’t want it to.  I don’t “identify” as gay.  I just am.  But I’m fully aware of other situations where I prefer to insert that word, such as in transgender situations and the ever-changing narrative around that.

One of my own “heroes” in the SSA/LGB world…someone with whom I do share a lot of agreement…said the Church was correct in designating it as a separate identity.  Perhaps there is a very good reason that I do not fully know yet (queer theory is a destructive force I’ve been keeping an eye on…so that’s probably a factor).  I remain open to the idea that sexuality is just complex…more so than any “side” likes to believe.

I will say that Church resources also leave wiggle room, such as “what does gay mean to you?”  There are provisions that some language and meanings of words have changed over time.  “Queer” is one of those words for me.  I used to be ok with it.  The former name of my blog is “Covenant Keeping Queer.”  However, with further political baggage, including queer theory and social justice ideologies, I’ve decided to retire that name.

I don’t like radically avoiding the word “gay,” and I don’t like radically avoiding “same-sex attraction.”  Sometimes they mean different things to me and other times they’re the same.  It’s just whatever rolls off the tongue for me.

But enough about words. 

I’ve recently had to lean more into my…whatever you want to call it…gay identity/state of being/whatever.  It can be very easy to feel distressed when I find a man attractive or if I start undressing him with my mind.  I’ve heard all about “committing adultery already,” through lust.  Yet I’ve had to unlearn and relearn what lust actually is (it’s undefined for me at the moment).  For example, in a recent Sunday School lesson, one of my crushes was teaching the lesson.  He grooms himself well, dresses nicely, and by golly he’s strong in the gospel!  Yes, I had “lustful” thoughts running through my head, and I was spending a lot of energy trying to push them away, berating myself for them, or telling myself that I shouldn’t be thinking or feeling these things. 

Plus, I wasn’t able to pay attention to the lesson and feel the Spirit.

But a small idea came to my mind: “Just let it all in.”

I allowed myself to admire our teacher in all ways, spiritually, emotionally, and yes…even physically.  And just like that, I felt relieved, and I was able to listen to the lesson more fully, feel the Spirit once again, and give fellow classmates more attention when they were contributing.  I’ve had several experiences like this that have led me to the idea that God wants all of me.  He wants all of me to come unto Him.  Unfortunately, I feel like there is a lot of cultural programming and shame that wants me to hide stuff from God (and I don’t think this is unique to the experience of same-sex attraction).  It’s like experiencing my sexuality and, heavens, even enjoying it within the bounds the Lord has set, is part of my worship.  It’s the same sensation as admiring the beauties of nature and giving gratitude to Heavenly Father.

No.  It doesn’t always make sense.

Now, I wouldn’t hold up the 1997 film, Titanic as a great example of sexual morality, but one scene keeps popping up in my mind.  When Jack and Rose are on the deck just before the ship hits the iceberg, Rose tells Jack that she will be exiting the ship with him (enter dramatic irony).  She says, “I know, it doesn’t make sense – that’s why I trust it.”  This is most certainly not a catch all for everything.  Just because something “doesn’t make sense” doesn’t make it right.  There’s a whole spirit and “feeling of rightness” involved.  But when I’m striving to keep my covenants and stay close to Christ, perhaps I can trust those special moments that “don’t make sense” in the realms of this world, but still feel “right” in some way.

If something helps me more fully draw closer to the Lord, perhaps it can be a part of my identity?

Pride Month Isn’t Neutral

 DISCLAIMER: Ok really, you can do LGBT Pride or view it however you want. I don’t want to tell you what to do. I’m not standing in the way. I’m just expressing how I feel. 

A coworker of mine sent me a message asking if I had seen an agency-wide email that had come out. She asked, “Did you roll your eyes?” Sure enough, there was announcement in regard to Pride Month. Luckily my coworker understands my sensitivities around that topic. Nevertheless, I thought, “Ugh. It’s coming…again.” 

One of my fears is LGBT Pride becoming the mainstream, neutral lens through which to view everyone who might fall under that (ever-shifting and expanding) umbrella…that it’s in the workplace, corporations, entertainment, even among membership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints...and that I won’t feel “neutral” or “politically neutral” about it…that I’ll feel left behind…that I’ll become more and more fringe while the rest of the world “progresses.” 

I’ve had several people tell me (and I have told this to myself to try and “fix” my opinions) that, “It’s about you being you as an individual!!! It’s about being yourself!” I’ve heard it all. Those things are worth exploring. But to me, Pride itself still feels cultish, a sacred cow that I don’t dare disturb! To me it signals an ideology. It’s about collectivism and a never-ending oppressed vs oppressor narrative. It feels more virtue signally and compelled than genuine and authentic (at least for me). There will always be something to complain about. There will always be unfairness.  And apparently there will always be new categories of queerness to identify into (just what I’m seeing). 

I don’t want to discount little gems here and there. As I’ve been on tour with the choir (which was usually during Pride month), I felt thankful to be among friends. I felt connected. That made the rainbows and gay themes less triggering. It was “my pride.”  I felt super validated when someone simply asked my feelings about Pride.

Also, I did a little experiment…I’m a frequent Disneyland traveler, and I figured it’s a decent place to express myself. I’ve seen liberal and conservative t-shirts being worn (and let's remember the hot young Latter-day Saint dads). I brought my Gays Against Groomers shirt (which I ended up not wearing to the parks because I didn’t want the kids to get wrapped up in all that) and a “God’s Promise” rainbow t-shirt. I still have an inner rebel…a desire to be the radical in the room.  And this is it.  As I allowed myself to express myself through my t-shirts at Disneyland, I found myself more “ok” with those who wore mainstream Pride memorabilia (and I could just chuckle at the Pride collections at many Disney stores). 

Some might say, “But that’s what it’s all about! Expressing yourself!” And my response might be, “That’s cute,” because I do believe there is an ideological war happening. No matter how innocent, fun or freeing it may look or actually be for some people…I think some nefarious ideologies can sneak their way in. For example, a tenet of Queer Theory is that everything deemed “normal” or “traditional” must be challenged and dismantled. This runs right along with the “disintegration of the family” we hear of in the Family Proclamation; intentional efforts to undermine the traditional family unit as a societal ideal, whereas I and many others who happen to be gay, bi or trans have no desire to be part of those efforts in order to exist in our individual situations. 

I do like the idea of individuality and a healthy sense of pride in oneself.  I had kind of a pivotal moment when I heard a podcast guest (hosted by Will Reusch) say "you should be proud of yourself" amid being asked about how she handles her haters...and she happened to be a conservative black lesbian. There are many qualities I associate with being gay that I actually like. And heck, I’d love to walk down the street hand in hand with a guy friend. I’d love the confidence to strut around topless. I just question whether LGBT Pride has to validate all of this. Perhaps in the past. Maybe. Perhaps I have benefitted from earlier iterations of the movement. I just know my story has unfolded as being something else outside of Pride. I see my ideas about celibate partnership and other forms of brotherhood as being “outside of Pride.” It seems like such a movement would see an eventual fizzling out of necessity. But…of course…being critical of Pride is seen as anti-gay, whereas I know differently. 

Actually, I became somewhat involved with a group precisely *because* they didn’t do Pride. They were different, somewhat “set apart.”  From there I learned about how I can accept and understand this part of myself and still live according to the standards of my faith, and this does include affection and intimacy with men! Yet even that group has become more enveloped by LGBT Pride. 

It’s been said that “Pride is still needed because someone out there feels like they’d be better off dead.” Yes, it is a very serious and painful topic. Yet I still feel off about that statement. And maybe that feeling of “off-ness” will still have yet to come to my understanding. Maybe it’s because it’s another generalization? Maybe it suggests that all people who are attracted to their own sex or have gender dysphoria, and those who love, them must go through the sacred circles of the Pride movement? Perhaps it suggests that Pride is the only mechanism for healing and existing in the world? 

I just know I’ve gone through my own brushes with suicide ideation, and it was a complex mess. I’m just reminded how I didn’t feel good about getting help from explicitly gay affirming resources, but I was still miserable. Luckily I work with someone understands how to work with individuals seeking to remain in the Church AND anyone who feels weird about Pride and other aspects of social justice ideology...AND he would still work with me if I had a boyfriend. 

I can’t help but wonder if aspects of the modern-day Pride movement could possibly contribute to one’s feelings of helplessness. I remember feeling burdened by the idea that the only ways out of my misery was to be sexual with men…or die.  I wasn't in a good place either way.  I believe this is a sad binary perpetuated by many well-meaning LGBT “allies” or organizations. 

“But some people like Pride.” Yes. I know. That’s kind of the “norm” for me.  Therefore, I feel like I constantly have to speak up for myself as long as “LGBT, etc.” is mentioned under a large banner. I don’t think I’d be seeing it at work if it wasn’t accepted as a mainstream catch all for people like me. 

So there. Here I am speaking up for myself. 

Let me just say that when I hear of people stealing Pride flags and/or burning them, I get angry. I don’t feel personally offended or hate-crimed against. But I believe it’s rude and violates a freedom of expression.  I'm also able to clarify some things about Pride for people who honestly may not know.

As I’ve mentioned, perhaps I do benefit indirectly from earlier iterations of the Pride movement. But now it provides me a good opportunity for humor.  I think humor can be unifying.  And I also have the opportunity to self-reflect and understand myself a little bit more. I'm not so sure the end goal is to “authentically feel represented by Pride.” I just have the opportunity to understand the “why” behind so many of my feelings. 

I know some who have been involved with earlier Pride movements or efforts to legalize same-sex marriage…who believe today’s Pride is unrecognizable from what they initially fought for (See Andrew Sullivan, Douglas Murray, Dave Rubin, Spencer Klavan…).   Some (including myself) desire to separate the LGB from the T and everything afterword, because it's just such a different set of cards.  Not that there aren't transgender people, too, who feel weird about what's going on.

Every year I see people trying to soften Pride and convince people to embrace it.  And then there are others who are cautioning against it. You don’t need to embrace the Pride movement to learn how to see people through God’s eyes. “LGBT Pride” is not the same as “LGBT people.” We’re individual children of God with a wide variety of likes and dislikes. Perhaps some of the hesitations about Pride you may have are worth listening to. Maybe some of them are worth discarding. I don’t know.  Just don't let allegations of "homophobia" blind you to your own critical thinking when it comes to what to support and what not to support. 

Some of us feel like we’re living in a “post-Pride” world. It seems like that would be the next logical step. However, I don’t doubt that some forces want to keep the fuel of division and anti-integration going (and from where I sit it’s not the religious folks). So I intend to defy those forces.

Seeing Myself in the Family Proclamation

When I say “I see myself,” it doesn’t imply that I plan on marrying (a woman) any time soon. Nor does it mean I plan on being “uncoupled” or alone all my life.  It's the spirit of truth and understanding that I feel when I read it that tells me that I belong.  I guess for right now that's all I need.  I’ve written something that I hope I can get published somewhere…just an article…about my experiences with and testimony of The Family: A Proclamation to the World. The following is more of an abstract...

Two things stand out strongly for me (among several other gems that resonate with me).
Firstly, just by being a divine son of God, I know that I belong. “All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.” With the help of therapists, family and church leaders, a lot of this rests on *me believing it.* Others who may not believe it or don’t treat me as such probably have issues of their own that need attention and kindness.

Secondly, and more controversial, the Spirit that I feel God has granted me when I read about the ideals of family life also helps me know I belong.  My own path and desires aren’t specifically delineated. But that doesn’t mean I’m somehow “less than," and I don't believe the Church teaches anything of the sort.

The standards around the sacred powers of procreation and the definition of marriage seem pretty solid to me. I don’t feel like I’m in the business of finding loopholes around those. Yes, some might view my ideas around celibate partnership and coming to appreciate and enjoy my feelings about men as a “loophole” or “living on the edge,” but I don’t feel that way.

I remember distinct feelings and suppositions about the *fundamental nature* of the nuclear family in society as a whole. “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.”  This helped me see that although it doesn’t happen in all situations, by birthright, children are deserving of a father and a mother.  I remember quoting this during a breakfast with someone I knew from "the LGBT community."  This person almost interrupted and said, "children deserve parents."  I mean who wouldn't agree?  I want the best for the children of same-sex parents, but it doesn't mean I don't think there are traits inherent to having a mother and a father.

There's also a warning that really stuck out to me at a time when I needed clarification: “…we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.”  Furthermore, there was an important plea: “We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.”

Some activists have told me that "the traditional family is fine...we're just advocating for those who are different."  As well intentioned as that is, I believe it's easy to be blinded by adversarial forces.  I think there is something bigger at play than those of us who don't happen to have a nuclear family of our own.  

It’s not as much “less than ideal” circumstances just by virtue of being part of this world (which still might be ideal for God’s classroom), but intentional forces undermining the influence of both a mother and a father in a home founded upon the principles in the Proclamation...the blatant promotion of fatherlessness or turning the education of children completely over to the state. I won’t get into it, but I see the “confusion of gender” President Oaks recently spoke about.  I know the transgender situation is real and sensitive, but I won't deny that I feel like some dangerous precedents are being proposed and/or set.  I can't say I know all the answers, but I never thought I'd see a day when we need to reaffirm the realities of biological sex and gender (I used to separate those, but I'm putting them in a very similar light now).

I’m not going to discount the evolution of marriage and gender and their potential damages to society, but the undermining of the family could also be rifts and divides about family members who might currently live different, and the attitudes of either or both parties along that difference in belief.  Family unity and love is still important.

I don’t know how to speak to all the different winding roads people take in reference to family situations. I know several people who have needed same-sex partners in their lives at some point and have grown from their experiences. President Oaks did mention at one point that personal revelation and navigation will be different across different people, but it doesn’t reflect the official doctrine of the Church (it’s not an “official doctrine” that gay sex and marriage is in the “individual adaptation” portion of the Proclamation, in my opinion…).

I might not be assisting in bearing children and I might not marry. I might even have a boyfriend (or twenty) at some point. But it doesn’t mean I don’t see what is happening in society. And I don’t think the disintegration of the family is all about “this is the path God wants me on.” I do believe confusion and evil forces exist.

...I have a draft that focuses more on the peace I feel in reference to belonging in God's kingdom. Perhaps I'll include that in another post...sometime...

Abnormalizing Discomfort

 Did you know that if you feel uncomfortable with the White House being adorned in rainbow colors during Pride month, it means you’re homophobic? Sure, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. We all have biases to work on, but of course the only valid explanation is homophobia. That’s all there is. No other explanation or conversation is allowed. 

From early on, I’ve noticed a certain weaponization, demonization, or simply assumptions made about uncomfortable feelings. Feel off about rainbows? It means you’re homophobic. Get annoyed with signs saying “Black Lives Matter?” Disagree with any of it’s principles or believe that the saying itself is something that’s already true? Well that’s your internalized white supremacy and anti-blackness. Feel slighted when womens’ inequality comes up? Well that’s your patriarchal misogyny speaking. 

I daresay I’ve fallen for the narrative and engaged in a bunch of mental gymnastics to avoid these categories that I certainly don’t feel describe me. I’ve spent time and energy judging myself, hating myself and wondering what’s wrong with me. 

I believe this is a tactic to try and fast track social justice movements and accomplish agendas that tout equity, diversity and inclusion. Of course, I’m not saying that diversity doesn’t already exist, isn’t important or that it’s not a natural, beautiful part of our world. I do think the word “equity” is something people fall for and confuse for “equality” or “equal opportunity.” 

People can be “uncomfortable” for a variety of reasons…even good reasons. Perhaps it’s something new to learn from that feels “right” but requires a bit of growth. Maybe it’s something that just doesn’t feel right, but you just have to endure and allow another person to hold their views while you still have yours. It could be something revealing about yourself that is true. It could be something that just feels outright false, manipulative, and just not how the world works. And silence does not mean complicity or violence, agreement or disagreement. It just means choosing not to engage. 

Perhaps something just feels off spiritually or it doesn’t follow God’s overall view of us being His individual children. The wrapping up of discomfort as some sort of proof of being at fault or complicit in an oppressive system, to me, seems like an attempt to circumvent the Holy Ghost or what others may call a “gut feeling.” Even conversation and dialogue feels demonized. 

It might be some of my obsessiveness, and especially surrounding social justice and politics, but this has led me to avoid disagreement or be distant from others or even feel threatened by those who might disagree with me on something political or social justice-y. Even now, the social justice mob in my head accuses me: “It means you’re wrong!” “It means you’re homophobic!” “It means you’re racist!” 

This is a disaster, not only for someone who experiences scrupulosity and perfectionism, but I believe some of these narratives intend to cause this confusion and subversion of our individuality. 

Just this morning I had a thought about a family, or perhaps a married heterosexual couple, living next to a gay couple and enjoying each other as friends and neighbors. Perhaps the gay couple hangs a rainbow flag and the other family feels uneasy about it (or the roles could be reversed, really…straight “allies” donning their rainbow flag). I think the fact they they get along and love each other outside of the rainbow virtue signaling should matter…perhaps a lot more than the symbols themselves. (“But Alex that’s what the rainbow represents!!!” No. Stop it.)

I recently had someone propose that perhaps I can view the rainbow the same way I used to view “gay,” or for others, “queer.” But it’s not that simple for me. Perhaps it’s the desire to be “different,” which is always touted by the Left and social justice identity politics…except I view Pride and rainbows as “the status quo” now. I view it as the world, and I figured gay people of faith could be affirmed in ways “not of this world” or “set a part” from rainbows and Pride. 

I wish to return to a time when discomfort was just that, and people could determine for themselves what it means. I know some might say that social justice narratives are not responsible for creating this fiasco. And yet when “discomfort” so often equated with all the -ists and -phobias that most people at their heart of hearts don’t want to be…it’s hard to not believe that there’s some mental and social contagion trying to take place. 

So yes, just recently I saw some stereotypically gay dudes and I had a twinge of an uncomfortable feeling. But instead of stewing about it and labeling it all as homophobia, I chose to move on to something else. I have enough of myself to figure out. And there’s still a way to get past the unknown, confusing feelings and back to seeing individuals as children of God…and turning things out of our control over to Him. 

"I Know that God Loveth His Children..."

 "I know that [God] loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things... (1 Nephi 11:17)" neither do I believe in or trust every ideology that carries this slogan.

And I don't know everything.  There is uncertainty, but expressing, "I don't know" is not always an invitation to be lectured to or educated by someone who "does know."  On many things, I need to search and ponder on my own.  With boundaries and retention of my own humanity, I can hear and entertain perspectives.  I can hear and learn about theories, but I cannot subscribe to them, make oaths and promises and perform specific tasks when I do not feel they are genuine, especially when based on my skin color, gender or sexual orientation.

The difficult thing is that yes, there might be nuggets of truth in various ideologies in this world and in this cultural moment.  That doesn't mean I need to adopt the entire worldview as "the way."  In fact, we hear a lot about the "philosophies of men mingled with scripture."  Not to say that all ideas outside of official Latter-day Saint teachings are "bad."  It just speaks to the tactics of the adversary and the great need for discernment and something the prophet has said that "in coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting, and constant influence of the Holy Ghost."

An example that I've come across recently is using the prophet's counsel to "lead out in abandoning attitudes and actions of prejudice" (October 2020) to put forth a very specific form of anti-racist ideology.  If people do not obey, then they are not obeying the prophet and are (like Robin Di'Angelo would say) complicit in and upholding a system of white supremacy and are worthy of being chastised.  Just because there are such things as liberation theology, women's studies, queer studies, white studies, it doesn't mean that's the way the world actually works or that God communicates to everyone through those lenses.  Also, I do not know the Church's stance on various racial ideologies or if I need to be racialized in order to be "part of the solution."  Personally, I've been following Dr. Sheena Mason's "Theory of Racelessness."

Something that bothers me personally is equating or comingling rainbow symbols and gay Pride with scripture, "mourning with those who mourn" or simply "showing love."  I am concerned that it's becoming the neutral lens through which all things LGBT-related get filtered.  And if anyone falls out of line or does not agree, we're "part of the problem" or on "the wrong side of history."  I will admit that I've sometimes used the rainbow when it's paired with something (usually politically conservative) that I actually agree with.  This is because I view the rainbow as a tribal, leftist, virtue signaling symbol.  

President Nelson's counsel about prejudice was also shared all over the place in response to Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk in August of 2021 at Brigham Young University, reaffirming the doctrine of marriage and the law of chastity and trying to redirect teaching to be in harmony with gospel doctrine.  It was depicted by many as hateful, bigoted and homophobic.  Elder Holland made an analogy of "musket fire" when it came to sustaining and defending gospel truths.  He mentioned that there's been some unfortunate "friendly fire" toward Latter-day Saints from other Latter-day Saints regarding very fundamental and sacred doctrines.  I daresay that I've been on the receiving end of some of the "friendly fire" he mentioned...and I'm gay.  There are a host of cultural things we could discuss.  I'd want to encourage same-sex (especially among men) physical affection and developing chaste relationships, basically exploring same-sex love within the bounds the Lord has set, but sadly it's fraught, yes, with potential human temptation, but also public image and media spin.  But all that doesn't change that I understood what Elder Holland was trying to convey.  To say that I personally would have worded some things differently doesn't change the spirit of truth that I felt.

I recently listened to the story of someone I know who is non-binary.  I believe this person about their own story and experiences.  I resonated deeply with the uncertainty and praying to Heavenly Father for guidance.  I resonated deeply with receiving answers that I was not expecting.  This doesn't mean that I'm on board with gender ideology; the belief that gender is just a made-up social construct and that gender is simply "assigned" based on social expectations.  I choose not to list my pronouns.  I was not "assigned" male at birth.  My gender was observed.  Imposing something else on me is a breach of my boundaries.  I used to be somewhat of a trans advocate, but I've scaled back with the departure from biological reality, challenging separate male and female spaces, and bringing LGBT ideas to young children in school.

I follow a lesbian couple that once made commentary on their Instagram account that the nuclear family is still a beautiful, honorable and essential ideal in society.  They have something different (and we obviously have differing views on morality), and that's ok from a classically liberal perspective.  People can be different.  I can be different.  People can have a unique struggle or experience with gender, but it doesn't change the essential, mortal and eternal nature of gender, male and female.  I can exist and navigate relationships outside of marriage, but it doesn't mean "heteronormativity" can't still be a norm and something that has been a fundamental unit in society for many centuries (and a factor in eternal progression, but that's way above and beyond me).  Some say that today's advocacy is just for the "exceptions" and that no one is trying to destroy the mold.  I disagree.

Since I'm one who has been sort of a natural peacemaker and empath, one might think that social justice ideologies would be compatible with my being.  It's all about "love and inclusion" right?  Instead, I feel abused and manipulated and I've been working to recover.  What's more is that most of the things I think and feel are termed "fragility" and "typical of people with privilege."  It's a dangerous recipe for someone like me.  It's not genuine.  An ironic thing about "be yourself" and "you do you," in an effort to break away from puritanical culture, is that some of those who have promoted those principles have adopted another set of beliefs and rules by which to judge everyone.

It was brought to my attention that when there are disagreements, we can usually find bigger pictures to agree upon.  "I know that God loveth His children..." can guide how I interact with individuals, and not usually collectives.  That I can manage and strive to do every day.

Centering and De-Centering

 I recently saw yet another “social justice” phrase that jarred me. It’s something I’ve seen before. Yet I’m disheartened and nervous to see it closer to home. 

It’s the concept of “centering marginalized voices.” I know the framework it comes from. It assumes that white, heterosexual men are the center of society. They didn’t choose it, but they’re “centered,” and therefore must “decenter” themselves. 

It’s part of an ideology. It’s not the incontrovertible truth. Ideally everyone should be at the “center” of their own lives. 

“We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men (and women) are created equal.” Regardless of what this phrase might have  used to mean, “self-evident” tells me it’s something that comes from God, and not other people. By nature and through a plethora of frameworks and belief systems, we help each other on the path and treat people with respect and as individuals. But “self-evident,” tells me that I don’t need to be “less” of anything or “de-center” myself in order for someone else to be valid and “equal.” 

Speaking of “marginalized,” I don’t count. They want representation. I’m a gay dude, yet I’m not lauded. I’m not held up as a heroic figure. I thought being gay was the only qualification, being a special “marginalized” identity. They keep harping on about identity markers and I’m RIGHT HERE! But I also understand that I don’t have the right politics. I’m not the right kind of activist. I don’t have the correct “gay” views of the Church, its leaders, its members and its core doctrines about marriage, sexual morality and family. 

I don’t feel marginalized in the Church. I feel marginalized in the LGBT community. I feel marginalized in this world. But if I don’t feel marginalized, then of course that must mean that I’m part of the “majority” that needs to yield their invisible microphone, right??? 

It’s not like I never experience jealousy or anger (good heavens, that’s something that rages in me when I least expect it or want it) that I don’t have the platform I perceive some others do. I could raise my voice. I could write a book or put myself more out there. But I also need to be true to myself as well. I don’t feel like it’s right for me to do it merely out of competition or jealousy. Those who seemingly have the microphone don’t represent me. I have some ideas that I feel are different, yet not representative of “the LGBT community” as a whole. 

So yeah. I don’t resonate with the “marginalized” vs “majority” narrative. And when it comes to empathy, I don’t believe it’s strictly a “majority” responsibility. And it’s also something I’m going to have to rely on God for. It’s not going to happen based on what society expects of me.