Abnormalizing Discomfort

 Did you know that if you feel uncomfortable with the White House being adorned in rainbow colors during Pride month, it means you’re homophobic? Sure, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. We all have biases to work on, but of course the only valid explanation is homophobia. That’s all there is. No other explanation or conversation is allowed. 

From early on, I’ve noticed a certain weaponization, demonization, or simply assumptions made about uncomfortable feelings. Feel off about rainbows? It means you’re homophobic. Get annoyed with signs saying “Black Lives Matter?” Disagree with any of it’s principles or believe that the saying itself is something that’s already true? Well that’s your internalized white supremacy and anti-blackness. Feel slighted when womens’ inequality comes up? Well that’s your patriarchal misogyny speaking. 

I daresay I’ve fallen for the narrative and engaged in a bunch of mental gymnastics to avoid these categories that I certainly don’t feel describe me. I’ve spent time and energy judging myself, hating myself and wondering what’s wrong with me. 

I believe this is a tactic to try and fast track social justice movements and accomplish agendas that tout equity, diversity and inclusion. Of course, I’m not saying that diversity doesn’t already exist, isn’t important or that it’s not a natural, beautiful part of our world. I do think the word “equity” is something people fall for and confuse for “equality” or “equal opportunity.” 

People can be “uncomfortable” for a variety of reasons…even good reasons. Perhaps it’s something new to learn from that feels “right” but requires a bit of growth. Maybe it’s something that just doesn’t feel right, but you just have to endure and allow another person to hold their views while you still have yours. It could be something revealing about yourself that is true. It could be something that just feels outright false, manipulative, and just not how the world works. And silence does not mean complicity or violence, agreement or disagreement. It just means choosing not to engage. 

Perhaps something just feels off spiritually or it doesn’t follow God’s overall view of us being His individual children. The wrapping up of discomfort as some sort of proof of being at fault or complicit in an oppressive system, to me, seems like an attempt to circumvent the Holy Ghost or what others may call a “gut feeling.” Even conversation and dialogue feels demonized. 

It might be some of my obsessiveness, and especially surrounding social justice and politics, but this has led me to avoid disagreement or be distant from others or even feel threatened by those who might disagree with me on something political or social justice-y. Even now, the social justice mob in my head accuses me: “It means you’re wrong!” “It means you’re homophobic!” “It means you’re racist!” 

This is a disaster, not only for someone who experiences scrupulosity and perfectionism, but I believe some of these narratives intend to cause this confusion and subversion of our individuality. 

Just this morning I had a thought about a family, or perhaps a married heterosexual couple, living next to a gay couple and enjoying each other as friends and neighbors. Perhaps the gay couple hangs a rainbow flag and the other family feels uneasy about it (or the roles could be reversed, really…straight “allies” donning their rainbow flag). I think the fact they they get along and love each other outside of the rainbow virtue signaling should matter…perhaps a lot more than the symbols themselves. (“But Alex that’s what the rainbow represents!!!” No. Stop it.)

I recently had someone propose that perhaps I can view the rainbow the same way I used to view “gay,” or for others, “queer.” But it’s not that simple for me. Perhaps it’s the desire to be “different,” which is always touted by the Left and social justice identity politics…except I view Pride and rainbows as “the status quo” now. I view it as the world, and I figured gay people of faith could be affirmed in ways “not of this world” or “set a part” from rainbows and Pride. 

I wish to return to a time when discomfort was just that, and people could determine for themselves what it means. I know some might say that social justice narratives are not responsible for creating this fiasco. And yet when “discomfort” so often equated with all the -ists and -phobias that most people at their heart of hearts don’t want to be…it’s hard to not believe that there’s some mental and social contagion trying to take place. 

So yes, just recently I saw some stereotypically gay dudes and I had a twinge of an uncomfortable feeling. But instead of stewing about it and labeling it all as homophobia, I chose to move on to something else. I have enough of myself to figure out. And there’s still a way to get past the unknown, confusing feelings and back to seeing individuals as children of God…and turning things out of our control over to Him.