A Tumult of Opinions

In the midst of this war of words and tumult of opinions, I often said to myself: What is to be done? Who of all these parties are right; or, are they all wrong together?  If any one of them be right, which is it and how shall I know it?

-Joseph Smith History 1:10

What’s it like being an active LDS, male-partner-seeking, cuddly gay boy who believes in opposite-sex marriage and that children are entitled to birth to a mom and a dad?  It’s complicated.  Just that one question might sound blasphemous to one community or another.  This may just end up being a random smattering of thoughts.  There’s no conclusion or definitive “I’m happy and at peace” statement.  However, there may be some scattered about as I share my thoughts.

There are many different messages coming at me from a variety of sources, including the larger gay community, church members and leaders, and both conservative and liberal groups, and let’s not forget…myself.  Some groups might assume that I’m happy and at home in the Church because of what I believe about the family.  Others might assume that I should feel happy and at home in every LGBT Mormon group.  Neither is entirely true.  Perhaps it’s best to brain vomit…

“The Christlike thing to do is support gay marriage and petition the Church to do so as well.”

“Elder Christofferson says it’s OK.”

“You’re the cause of so many suicides.”

“If you sustain the Brethren, you have blood on your hands.”

“SSA is a mental illness.”

“SSA is an addiction.”

“SSA is a challenge to be overcome.”

“Sexual feelings are to be feared.”

“Don’t label yourself.”

“Anything but marriage to a woman is against God’s will.”

“You can only be exalted if you’re married to a woman.”

“You’ve already committed adultery in your heart.”

“Reasonable people can and do disagree on marriage…” OK…I just didn’t anticipate having these disagreements with other church members.

“Anger toward the LGBT community is wrong.”

“Anger toward the Church is wrong.”

“Discomfort in disagreement means there’s something wrong with you.”

“The Church hates gay people.”

“Be yourself.”

“Holding hands with a guy means you’re sexually involved.”  

“You should be doing this with a girl (snuggling).”

“You should enjoy other peoples’ perspectives.”

“Attending a gay wedding signifies condoning.”

“Homosexuality is a sin.”

“Sex is inevitable if you grow close to someone.”

“Having a boyfriend is playing with fire.”

“You’re involvement in the Church doesn’t count as LGB inclusion.”


Some of the thoughts that run through my head, as well as things I'd like to say, are:


Women can enjoy many kinds of physical intimacy, and for some reason, our culture restrains men from doing the same.


God wouldn't ask a gay person to believe in the man-woman view of marriage and family if it didn't mean anything...much less someone who has more interest in pursuing celibacy with a man instead of marrying a woman.  It just doesn't add up.  Granted...this is currently something about which I currently have a good deal of anger with God.  But I know He can handle it.


Does the gay community even appreciate my involvement in the Church, or do I only count if I have a sexual partner?

OK, well…that was an attempt to describe many of my feelings in words, but it’s hard to really capture them.  There are plenty of people, organizations and shaming voices trying to tell me how to live or what to believe.  Actually, from another frame of reference, no one is telling me to do anything or believe anything.  They just use rather persuasive and shaming language.  Many might not view “equality” or “homophobia” as shaming tools.  It is for me under certain contexts.  It’s difficult to engage in conversation (especially on-line) or be around people who are simply not on the same page.  It’s difficult to feel like I belong.

I do acknowledge that all too often, this situation is difficult when I am not in my peace.  When I am not comfortable with who I am, all these voices are enhanced.  I’m trying to find my peace and be there more often.  It’s definitely hard since there are literally no answers for my own life at present.  But sometimes that peace lies in being OK with all the uncertainty and ambiguity. This includes being OK with the fact that yes, sometimes, I view some people and LGBT organizations as an enemy.  I’m not as loving and at peace when I’m just denying it all the time in order to look like a nice person.  There are those voices who say, “Let’s just all get along and respect each other.”  Yeah, I want that too; however, I do not know yet what that looks like and what role I have to play in it*.  I haven’t said much of the same thing about the LDS Church or other churches or “conservative” organizations, but that could just be because I’m unaware. 

In between starting this post and finishing it, I came across a brilliant article that encouraged me to cast off the expectations of what I thought life would look like or what it should look like.  In the Church, there tends to be a single lens through which we view life (mission, marriage, kids, etc.).  Yet there may be other, equally worthy life pursuits**.  There may not currently be a place for what I want, but perhaps through trust in God and myself, I can create it.

(*I acknowledge that we would not be where we are today without the organizations that I struggle with.  I honor that and I am thankful for it).

(**I understand that a same-sex marriage or a similar relationship my really be in God’s plan for some and for specific purposes, but I’m mostly referring to multiple avenues within the Church).