What Else is There?

A recent Sacrament meeting I attended had a theme around missionary work. I had an awareness about how lately, I’ve been wondering about my testimony and what I would share with someone. What hope does the gospel hold for gay people?  Why am I still here? I really couldn't think of anything.


For many, the hope that comes from the gospel, and something that makes the teachings of the LDS Church unique, is that of eternal families. That’s a major go to, and I know that it brings a lot of hope to people. It makes sense that it blesses people all over the world. Yet I had the awareness that it was ALL I was seeing about the gospel. For someone who has hardly any interest in marrying, save only a space I’ve held open simply because I felt like I was supposed to, such a view of the gospel can be rather bleak.

Oddly enough, it felt peaceful to come to this realization. It’s kind of an opportunity to rebuild my faith on other aspects of the gospel. I’m currently in a state of “what else is there?” I think Heavenly Father has been working with me, pretty much tearing down so many of the beliefs I had held onto...independently of what is taught on a general level.  For example, we're told all the time how we will be able to marry in the next life (well, I am certainly able to go through the motions in this life...and it would fill another "supposed to" obligation...but it wouldn't be pretty as of now), but I thought I was supposed to hold on to that hope all throughout my life, like I was supposed to keep imagining myself married to a woman and being a father, and that thinking about that was going to make me happy.  I thought studying my scriptures, attending the temple and doing all those little things was going to lead me to desires to marry and have a family.


But it hasn't.  I feel a spiritual goodness about it.  I love attending and being able to participate in sealings.  I've had my witnesses about the marital unit and it's intended connection to procreation.  It's not a popular view in the gay community...although I'm gradually finding more and more who believe that way.  But I struggle to imagine myself living authentically in such a relationship.


I found that viewing the gospel and viewing my life within the context of marriage and family put me in an odd separation from God.  Scripture reading became a chore.  I had trips to the temple where I thought, "what am I doing here?"  I must not be on the right path or being good enough if I don't want to marry, right?  Or at least that's what I thought.  I thought anything outside of pursuing marriage (even if it was a painstaking, lifelong journey) was outside of what God wanted.  We hear talks about single people, but I always thought it was assumed that we still "should" desire marriage.  But perhaps God has other things in store when it comes to "filling the measure of our creation."*


I’ve heard a lot recently about being co-creators with God, and for some reason I didn’t think it applied to me being gay in the Church. So this is like an opportunity to create something new. I still have dreams of doing life with someone, having someone to come home to and to live the gospel with, but it’s just in a hopeful phase right now. It might not happen, but sometimes even the possibility is what keeps me going.  There are many who feel that they have been inspired to enter a same-sex marriage.  It's not my place to question that personal revelation.  I just don't want it looking like I'm heading that direction.  I do have to see it as a valid option.  I think that is healthy.  But I still think there are a variety of vocations and relationship possibilities for gay members within the context of the covenants of the gospel.

Scripture study and temple attendance are so much better when I’m NOT trying to force myself into “the mold.” I thought I had this figured out already, but it creeps back in far too often.  Maybe the gospel of Jesus Christ, even as taught by the LDS church, is for everyone.  Maybe it is a gospel of happiness, even if some don't have the desire to be married.