I Can’t, But He Can

I just wanted to share just some of my thoughts about General Conference, particularly a talk given on Saturday morning, October 6. President Dallin H. Oaks once again focused much of his talk on marriage and gender. I could write a whole other post about how I’m not letting a couple painful moments take away from the rest of the great Conference. I truly was uplifted and I can feel the love from Jesus Christ and those who lead my church. I also plan on implementing much of the great counsel received (including actually doing my assigned ministering). I dare say I even felt somewhat uplifted and energized from a lot of President Oaks’ talk.

But I wanted to give voice to some of my feelings, perhaps help others who might be hurting, or simply let people know my take on things. Not everyone will agree with or like what I have to say. On a personal level, President Oaks’ talk was another one of those moments of truth mixed with pain. It has been affirmed and reaffirmed to me that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and has some specific roles and functions in our society, not to mention eternal progression. My experiences with same-sex attraction and my study and pondering have led to believe in that. I can’t say I 100% have a complete knowledge of the doctrines and policies, but I have faith and it makes sense to me.

Nevertheless some old questions and personal pains came bubbling up. When it came to “the opposition” and those who “seek to change the Church instead of changing themselves,” I wondered...does that include me? I’ve come to find value and merit in my sexuality. I don’t know what sexuality will be in the next life, but I do know that there are many things associated with being gay that I would NOT want to give up. My sexuality has framed how I relate to God, myself and others. I hope for opportunities to act on my attractions in ways that are in line with my covenants. But now the question is...do I have unrighteous desires then? The fact that I don’t even desire to be straight? The fact that I don’t currently have desires to marry a woman and have a family? Does that mean I’m not on the “covenant path?” Granted, I think my spirit confirms to me that I’m just fine where I am. But Satan definitely comes in to try to mess around.

I was also aware of the focus on gender. I submit that we do not have enough information about gender identity issues. I’ve learned more about gender from my transgender Latter-day Saint friends and acquaintances than I have from General Conference. I say that within a context that is not in opposition to the Family Proclamation, but rather an extension and a dive into things we don’t know and cannot yet comprehend. There’s some stuff that resonates with me spiritually, and there’s some stuff that raises red flags for me. But either way, I know that God knows what someone else’ eternal gender is, and the least I could do is respect which pronouns someone uses to reduce their angst. It’s BECAUSE gender is so important and essential that people experience gender identity crises. It’s important to feel at home in our bodies, and for some reason some people do not. To say that God would never permit a body to form incorrectly in the womb is almost like saying He would never let someone be born without arms. And we know that happens.

I am aware that there are those who are hurting far more than I am. I know that some same-sex couples and families faithfully watch General Conference. I know of others struggling to accept their own sexuality and wondering where they fit in the Kingdom to whom this talk must have been triggering and painful. I can relate in a way but I can only imagine the depth of hurt that some of these people must feel.

Sadly some of this hurt has turned to bitterness. I am aware that some are accusing my church of hate speech. I can’t say I agree or disagree, especially since I know it comes from a place of pain, but I know how it makes me feel. I cannot discount the many people along my path who have been kind, loving and affirming. This includes, family members, church leaders and choir members who have been a support and many of them didn’t qualify their love. I know there are those who will be there for me, boyfriend or not. I cannot see my church, as a whole, as promoting hate speech. I also can no longer open myself up to such negativity. I do not have the energy for it. This Conference helped me solidify my place in the Church. They are my people. I need to limit or eliminate the time I give to people and groups who do not respect my testimony, my faith and my leaders.

Naturally, part of my quandary is “am I being loving enough?” This is another source of angst for me. I want to be loving. The Lord knows I want to be loving. I also know that I need to protect my heart and my testimony. Sometimes I mistake self care and my feelings of disagreement as feelings of hatred, and I proceed to berate myself. As we sang “If the Savior Stood Beside Me” today, I pictured Him having compassion on me, a lowly servant struggling to love my fellow men. He wouldn’t guilt or shame me into loving other people. He would help me love others through love itself. How amazing is that? He loves me even when I find it hard to love others! As we finished one of my favorite Conference pieces, “It is Well With My Soul,” I felt just a portion of God’s love for all His children. I cannot, with my own power, love in all the right ways. But I know the Savior can.