It Would Be Nice If...

This is another random smattering of thoughts (which, of course, I’ll probably let my perfectionism organize...)

Sometimes, I want my involvement in the Church and the Choir as a sign of the Church being “inclusive.” However, since that’s not good enough for some, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not good enough for the LGBT community. Or at least that’s the story I tell myself. It’s a handy story for when I want my voice heard. “You guys have same-sex marriage, so obviously you’re the ones being heard and the rest of us are chopped liver to both you and religion.” Ok...that’s some raw emotion there.

That’s the way of all shame isn’t it? That feeling of never being enough. In my case, never enough for the gay community and never enough for the communities I’d rather be involved in. Actually, within the Church it just seems like no one knows what to do with those of us who are gay and who would like to be true to scripture and the words of the prophets and somehow be happy at the same time.

There are a lot of things that would be nice to hear and experience...

It would be nice to be able to have a companion and somehow not have to deal with the sexual component. It’s hard to imagine with so few examples. It’s either married and sexual or alone and isolated.

It would be nice to have promise-bound friendships and have them recognized by the Church.

It would be nice to be seen and heard as our own little niche. A group of Latter-day Saint queer folk who are separate from those trying to change doctrine and shame others into their line of thinking (by using “equality” and a lot of other emotionally drivem language). Some say we need to unite the LGBT community, but that’s just not how things are.

It would be nice to have answers, more clarity on why homosexuality exists beyond a mortal affliction, whether it’s somethjng we can be proud of and affirmatively use within the bounds the Lord has set, instead of just guess and submit ourselves to bishop roulette.  Our understanding as a whole has definitely changed over the years. What’s next?

It would be nice to have it be understood that many who did not support the redefinition of marriage did not come from a place of hate, discrimination or the belief that gay people are less than. It would be nice to have it be understood that there are gay people amongst them. That in and of itself makes it something different.

It would just be nice to have things make sense.

Of course one of the common responses is that we have personal revelation and agency. It’s wonderful on a good day. Yet other times what resonates with me spiritually would be highly suspect to people around me. It’s truly a test in discerning the voice of God and the voice of the world. And sometimes the voice of the world can be inside the Church, from either angle.

Anyway, sorry if that’s a little deep. Just another perspective from a broken, gay Latter-day Saint.