My Privilege, My Minority Status, My Normal

The concept of privilege, or the way our society tends to use it, is a sticky one for me.  Perhaps it hits a lot of people in different ways.  I’m not one to say that privilege doesn’t exist or that discrimination or hate crimes don’t happen.  But I also don’t think either of these things should be used to paint an entire gender, race, religion or even society as a whole.  These are all just my own thoughts and feelings.

I experience feelings of shame and helplessness when it comes to “Check your privilege.”  It’s like I’m on this rung where my perspectives are automatically less valid (or that they’re automatically validated by me just being a man).  When it comes to white male privilege, it feels like I’m being put on this fictitious pedestal only to be beaten down again to make way for those “less fortunate.”  For me it feeds my "never enough" narrative, while in reality, labels aside, I'm just trying to be a good person.  I may be more privileged in some areas and have certain blessings that others don’t.  Sometimes I feel blessed beyond what I deserve.  Others also have blessings and privileges that I don’t.  But I feel like it’s inaccurate to attribute that just to my gender and my skin tone (which is really a shade of brown…just saying).  Isn’t that kind of racist?  Not according to some, because I apparently have power.  And it doesn't count as racism if you have power...

Dave Rubin, a married gay man, once did a video in response to some cases of private bakeries electing to not do cakes specifically for same-sex marriages.  I heard him say something about “Oppression Olympics,” like there’s this competition to point out who is more oppressed or offended.  Sometimes I think, “Thank goodness I’m gay, or else I’d have to deal with being a straight white man!”  In other words, my “minority status” box is checked and I'm "safe."

I suppose we could call it victimhood.  And this is separate from people who are actual victims.  I daresay that I’ve fallen into this trap.  I tend to pull the victim card when it comes to same-sex marriage and celibate gay Christians.  I honestly don’t feel like our perspectives are very well represented, but sometimes I turn it into a privilege/oppression battle…they have marriage rights now, what a bout the rest of us?...when really it’s my anger.  Perhaps that’s the way it is for a lot of people who feel like victims.  It can be anger.  And anger is ok.

When we do have hate crimes and cases of discrimination, it seems like one end of the spectrum takes these cases and paints it across everyone and says how horribly racist, misogynist and anti-gay our society is.  On another end of the spectrum, while they abhor such crimes and acts of injustice, they see those incidents and hold responsible the people who are involved directly and indirectly, not the whole entire society.  They see the rich diversity in our society as normal.  It’s not some major progressive move.  It’s normal.  It’s the world we live in.  Of course improvements could be made, even with men (seriously...we don’t have it all together, as male privilege tends to sound).  However, I think it’s more meaningful when people are listened to on an individual, personal basis.

I remember the week when actor Jussie Smollett faked a hate crime on himself, we had an actual hate crime towards a gay man in my highly conservative state.  And you know what?  Most people here detest that sort of behavior in favor of our common humanity.  I heard a story a couple weeks ago about a gay couple who was accepted and loved in their Utah neighborhood and ward, and they had the same welcome in another Utah neighborhood.  These examples are the ones that don’t commonly make the news, but it illustrates just how many good people there are in the world.  One doesn’t have to attend a Pride parade or wave a rainbow flag to be a decent human being.

Many men had some backlash for the Gillette commercial trying to combat toxic masculinity.  I personally loved most of it.  I just didn’t like how it was attached to the #metoo movement, as if that is the sole thing that opened our eyes.  Maybe it helped someone out there.  Most of the backlash I saw was not some attempt to preserve male dominance and violence.  It was another cry to be heard and validated: “Of course we abhor harassment and violence of any kind.  We detested it before the whole #metoo movement.”  It’s not that the movement wasn’t important, but it didn’t describe how most men really are.  I personally have issues that have already led me to feel shame about being a man.  So broad-painting statements about men didn’t help.  I saw some statements like, “If this commercial offends you, you’re part of the problem.”  Shut down!  Isn’t shutting down a man’s feelings a perpetuation of toxic masculinity?  What if we listened to how he really felt?  Wouldn’t we maybe arrive at a more peaceful place?  I realize this is all more easily done in the real world and not the hell hole of social media.

I fully support women in the workplace.  I also support women in the home.  I feel like it’s built into our biology to have differing gender roles and responsibilities when it comes to family.  But that doesn’t mean anyone has to be limited.  I work in an agency where, at least in my role in the budget world, the women far outweigh the men.  There are several women in leadership as well, and we’re all paid based on a uniform scale.  So sometimes I wonder “what’s the problem?”  This doesn’t mean there aren’t problems elsewhere.  I’ve been in situations before where I felt specific women were being overruled on a consistent basis, and sometimes it was being done by other women.  I’m sorry I didn’t do more, and I have learned.  I appreciate the feminists who advocate for women at work and those who choose to be stay-at-home moms.  In relation to the Gillette ad, I remember seeing some dismissal of the perspectives of “stay-at-home Mormon moms,” as if their perspectives didn’t count.  

When it comes to women in the Church and the restoration of the Gospel, I never felt superior in any way.  I’m sure I couldn’t possibly understand.  But it seems like women are all across the board on this too.  I do have the Priesthood, and I probably don’t express gratitude for it or use it as much as I should.  But I never saw it as a status symbol.  It was a responsibility.  One of my questions is…if everyone held the Priesthood…why would we even need the Priesthood?  Why would it be valuable?  I don’t know the answer, but it does cause me to seek more light and knowledge about what the Priesthood even is.  Never once did I think that here and now, a woman couldn’t call down the blessings of heaven to bless herself, her family, her mistering sisters, her Relief Society and others.  On that note, I wonder why men can’t serve in some of the capacities in which women are serving (oh yeah, perhaps because we’re not tender, loving, and if we touch children it’s a assault).  When formal adjustments are made to clarify women’s true identity, to me it feels like a reveal of what was already there in eternity, not some major doctrinal shift.  It resonates with my Spirit and I get a sense of, “Of course!”  And such knowledge blesses everyone. 

Sometimes I get asked if I feel judged at church and within conservative circles.  It’s a perfectly valid question.  However, I just feel at home in the Church, even though the path forward is very foggy and uncertain.  I feel more judged by some voices in the LGBT world.  In the church setting, there is some fear about if I were to be in a relationship with a man.  What would happen then?  But that’s slowly tapering off as I’m slowly turning more towards God.  That’s what I feel like our prophet is asking us to do.

Speaking of the teachings of living prophets, it is apparent to me that some of the most effective teaching does indeed take place in the home.  This can be for good or ill.  However, I had parents who brought me up to view men and women as equals and to embrace people from a variety of ethnic backgrounds.  That still doesn’t erase some unconscious biases that we all have through no fault of our own.  I love hearing about parents and families unconditionally loving their gay loved ones no matter what path they take (this probably also means that they love and validate their own feelings on the matter as well).  I love seeing friends and neighbors of different ethnicities come together and worship, play, or otherwise enjoy each other’s company.  I love seeing people carry themselves with self-love, respect, and proceeding forth with their own “normal,” treating others with respect and love as well.

Back on racism and privilege…I recently saw the film, Jane and Emma.  One scene includes a man in disbelieve that a black woman was baptized, referencing the “seed of Cain.”  Joseph Smith comes in and rebukes the man, and moreover, through his actions, treats Jane and her family just has he would any other person.  There may still be some racism in our society, conscious and unconscious, but there are also many who are like Joseph in their everyday walk and talk.

In the end, the answer for me is to continue and try to be a good person.

My JiM Weekend: Conversion Therapy?

I've heard a lot on the news about conversion therapy.  There are different understandings as to what that even is.  A basic definition would be efforts to change sexual orientation, presuming being gay or bisexual is a mental or some sort of other disorder.  In Utah, there have been efforts to ban conversion therapy, especially for LGBT youth.  That's something I can support, yet what "conversion therapy" actually is seems to be in flux.  Some people view pursuing a mixed-orientation marriage to be "conversion."  Some view any other lifestyle outside of a typical gay lifestyle (one or more sexual partners) is "conversion."

Something that really irritates me is when North Star (a faith-affirming LGBT support organization) is seen as promoting reparative (another term for "conversion") therapy.  It does not (see FAQ).  However, considering how some define it and what some would like to believe, it's understandable how some see that they promote conversion therapy.  It doesn't mean I'm not still upset.  I'd rather not be associated with an organization that promotes such things, but unfortunately there's no other LGBT group that specifically supports the doctrines and teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Oh there are some who will support you as an individual in living the teachings, but there's not a mutual understanding of truth.  Try being a gay person who supported and still believes in the divinity and integrity of the traditional family unit.

That being said, I've been on a "Journey into Manhood" (JiM) weekend (click here for more info on that...).  Having been on that weekend, my overall take is that if it wasn't connected to homosexuality, I wouldn't call it conversion therapy.  Because really...there is a lot there that all men can benefit from.  They discuss masculinity, emotional processing and that you're good and valuable just as you are.  I know many men in our society need to feel like they can be more emotional and intimate with each other.  Nevertheless, considering how it is connected to homosexuality and has roots in changing sexual orientation...it's hard for me to say that it's not conversion therapy in some form.

Since it's an experiential, emotional processing weekend, I cannot discuss everything I did, cause it simply doesn't transfer.  When I went, I was a bit angry about what some people told me about the leadership.  I found a much more compassionate view on same-sex attraction than I was led to believe.  On the first night, we were asked, "how many view your same-sex attraction as a blessing?"  I did not expect that.  They admitted and were open to the fact that sexuality is complex and very nuanced.  It was clear to me that they had roots in conversion therapy and the belief that homosexuality is connected to mommy and/or daddy issues and other situations surrounding childhood.  It was also clear to me that they are progressing beyond that line of belief and were open to individual interpretations of same-sex attraction.

The "conversion therapy" mindset was more apparent as I joined an on-line JiM support group.  While there were some people I already knew and loved, and I while I related with most everyone on traditional, biblical beliefs about marriage and family, I also found a certain distaste for homosexuality and the term "gay."  Some men viewed themselves (and the rest of us) as "deeply wounded."  As I talked with other friend, we agreed that it seemed like many were bent on hating themselves or their continued same-sex attraction.

Of course I withdrew from the group, but some messages stayed with me, both from that group and all the other programming in my life that led me to believe that my sexuality was some sort of disease, disorder...anything that needed to be overcome or healed from.  I must say that the year I attended JiM was my hardest year yet.  I compare it with the year I came home from my mission.  However, this time "home" would have been Heaven, or rather, the Spirit World.

I can't blame my rock-bottom, 2017 year completely on JiM.  I had taken myself off my medication without any psychiatric assistance, and I was also doing some life coaching that mostly just exacerbated my overthinking habits.  At one point I came to a very destitute crossroads where I thought I had to leave the Church and find a sexual partner, or remain in the Church and continue what I thought was *the* path of discipleship.  Neither of which felt good at the time and I couldn't possibly make such life-altering decisions considering the state I was in.

Luckily I found an actual therapist who has helped me get to a better place.  He's working with me at my own pace and when something doesn't work, we explore something else (in life coaching world, I kept doing the same, experiential things and just felt like wasn't ever doing it "right" or "enough").

So...I can't say I have a particularly traumatic experience with conversion therapy.  I've certainly experienced angst, heartbreak and severe depression and anxiety, but I can't connect it all specifically to JiM or any other focus on homosexuality.  I'm not going to join the force to ban JiM or conversion therapy (which can be mutually exclusive), but I'll just continue to share my experiences and perspectives.

The biggest challenge...yet also the biggest vista...has been coming to accept myself as I am, including my sexuality.  I thought I was supposed to accept myself, but seeing my sexuality as this little side "issue" that I didn't have to identify with.  But no, apparently I am to embrace and utilize my sexuality somehow.  I know that I was made to love men in deep and passionate ways.  I don't need to worry about changing it or even wanting it to change.  This has only been affirmed to me, as former "ex-gays" have decided to date men and leave their marriages in some cases.

Male Touch

So this is a touchy subject (ha ha...get it?); one that has many different opinions, contexts and perspectives.  Therefore, my perspective is still in the molding process.  I've written a lot about this, but had some other thoughts come up.

I recently made a joke in a men's chorus about someone needing to be held.  I honestly didn't mean to make it about sexuality.  It was actually about the lyrics of a piece of music.  Yet people around me made it about sexuality.  There was a "no-homo" attitude about it, and since this brother was married, the word "bisexual" came up.  It was all in good fun.  It was just something I noticed.  I thought (and even muttered), "straight guys can hold each other too."

Now, I find myself somewhat loose on this topic.  Just call me a cuddle slut.  I always look forward to getting together with my other "covenant-keeping queers" and getting quality hugs, cuddles and kisses.  I wrote about "holy kisses" here.  I am single, so take this with a grain of salt...but how does male affection work when you have a spouse or partner?

I was talking about committed relationships or marriages with my mom and about how I felt like all men should be able to express affection with each other.  She then gave some specific examples and then I said, "Yeah...that is kind of awkward."  If you're a married woman, can you imagine your husband snuggling up with a man?  Maybe even a brother?  It could be against marital vows and/or simply against social norms.  Nevertheless, I know some women who actually encourage their gay husbands to get their guy time (and I don't mean sexual ventures!).  It helps them be more devoted husbands and fathers.

So perspectives are all over the place.  If I were married to a woman, I wouldn't want to be out snuggling with other women, but with men?  I don't know.  I don't know if sexual orientation even needs to be considered.  No matter what, I'm going to need male connection in some form or another.  I don't know much about relationships, but I do know that a spouse cannot meet all of a person's needs!  Anyway, I don't much like comparing varying levels of male affection to that found in a marriage between a man and a woman.  But...that's just me.

So all that is kind of a mess, but however you want to look at it, I think that in general, men have been touched deprived.  It is said that Utah has a very high usage of pornography.  I know some of that has to do with the way we tend to teach sexual morality.  But I was driving home from a recovery group one evening and I wondered...are most men missing a chunk of needed connection in their lives...with each other?

See this picture?  It is beautiful to me.  Hopefully we don't have to wait until tragedy strikes in order to hold each other close.  Heck, I see women sit close and hold hands to comfort one another.  I hope to see more of this kind of ministry among men.

As always, I love thinking about what Christ would do.  Would He shy away from affection out of fear of it looking "gay?"  He would hold me, let me rest my head on His shoulder, hold my hand and let me know life will be ok.  In a sense...we are His hands.

Appendix:

In gathering my thoughts on this post, I reviewed this video on some of the taboos of male affection.  So for what it's worth...