My JiM Weekend: Conversion Therapy?

I've heard a lot on the news about conversion therapy.  There are different understandings as to what that even is.  A basic definition would be efforts to change sexual orientation, presuming being gay or bisexual is a mental or some sort of other disorder.  In Utah, there have been efforts to ban conversion therapy, especially for LGBT youth.  That's something I can support, yet what "conversion therapy" actually is seems to be in flux.  Some people view pursuing a mixed-orientation marriage to be "conversion."  Some view any other lifestyle outside of a typical gay lifestyle (one or more sexual partners) is "conversion."

Something that really irritates me is when North Star (a faith-affirming LGBT support organization) is seen as promoting reparative (another term for "conversion") therapy.  It does not (see FAQ).  However, considering how some define it and what some would like to believe, it's understandable how some see that they promote conversion therapy.  It doesn't mean I'm not still upset.  I'd rather not be associated with an organization that promotes such things, but unfortunately there's no other LGBT group that specifically supports the doctrines and teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Oh there are some who will support you as an individual in living the teachings, but there's not a mutual understanding of truth.  Try being a gay person who supported and still believes in the divinity and integrity of the traditional family unit.

That being said, I've been on a "Journey into Manhood" (JiM) weekend (click here for more info on that...).  Having been on that weekend, my overall take is that if it wasn't connected to homosexuality, I wouldn't call it conversion therapy.  Because really...there is a lot there that all men can benefit from.  They discuss masculinity, emotional processing and that you're good and valuable just as you are.  I know many men in our society need to feel like they can be more emotional and intimate with each other.  Nevertheless, considering how it is connected to homosexuality and has roots in changing sexual orientation...it's hard for me to say that it's not conversion therapy in some form.

Since it's an experiential, emotional processing weekend, I cannot discuss everything I did, cause it simply doesn't transfer.  When I went, I was a bit angry about what some people told me about the leadership.  I found a much more compassionate view on same-sex attraction than I was led to believe.  On the first night, we were asked, "how many view your same-sex attraction as a blessing?"  I did not expect that.  They admitted and were open to the fact that sexuality is complex and very nuanced.  It was clear to me that they had roots in conversion therapy and the belief that homosexuality is connected to mommy and/or daddy issues and other situations surrounding childhood.  It was also clear to me that they are progressing beyond that line of belief and were open to individual interpretations of same-sex attraction.

The "conversion therapy" mindset was more apparent as I joined an on-line JiM support group.  While there were some people I already knew and loved, and I while I related with most everyone on traditional, biblical beliefs about marriage and family, I also found a certain distaste for homosexuality and the term "gay."  Some men viewed themselves (and the rest of us) as "deeply wounded."  As I talked with other friend, we agreed that it seemed like many were bent on hating themselves or their continued same-sex attraction.

Of course I withdrew from the group, but some messages stayed with me, both from that group and all the other programming in my life that led me to believe that my sexuality was some sort of disease, disorder...anything that needed to be overcome or healed from.  I must say that the year I attended JiM was my hardest year yet.  I compare it with the year I came home from my mission.  However, this time "home" would have been Heaven, or rather, the Spirit World.

I can't blame my rock-bottom, 2017 year completely on JiM.  I had taken myself off my medication without any psychiatric assistance, and I was also doing some life coaching that mostly just exacerbated my overthinking habits.  At one point I came to a very destitute crossroads where I thought I had to leave the Church and find a sexual partner, or remain in the Church and continue what I thought was *the* path of discipleship.  Neither of which felt good at the time and I couldn't possibly make such life-altering decisions considering the state I was in.

Luckily I found an actual therapist who has helped me get to a better place.  He's working with me at my own pace and when something doesn't work, we explore something else (in life coaching world, I kept doing the same, experiential things and just felt like wasn't ever doing it "right" or "enough").

So...I can't say I have a particularly traumatic experience with conversion therapy.  I've certainly experienced angst, heartbreak and severe depression and anxiety, but I can't connect it all specifically to JiM or any other focus on homosexuality.  I'm not going to join the force to ban JiM or conversion therapy (which can be mutually exclusive), but I'll just continue to share my experiences and perspectives.

The biggest challenge...yet also the biggest vista...has been coming to accept myself as I am, including my sexuality.  I thought I was supposed to accept myself, but seeing my sexuality as this little side "issue" that I didn't have to identify with.  But no, apparently I am to embrace and utilize my sexuality somehow.  I know that I was made to love men in deep and passionate ways.  I don't need to worry about changing it or even wanting it to change.  This has only been affirmed to me, as former "ex-gays" have decided to date men and leave their marriages in some cases.