“In coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting and constant influence of the Holy Ghost.”
-President Russell M. Nelson, General Conference, April 2018
So I’m on a little break from social media during the Christmas season. In a way, I’m in recovery mode; reconnecting with myself, my family and with people immediately around me. I have more energy and I’m more focused on specific tasks at hand. I find that social media overwhelms me with a lot that I don’t need. Each time I’ve logged back on, I do so hoping to be able to just use it for communication and/or positivity, but all too easily I get sucked back into the same old patterns.
That being said, I still feel like I’m in this awkward middle ground that doesn’t really get talked about very much. Being gay and open about it isn’t as exciting as it used to be. I recently posted on my Instagram trying to share my experience about how after a few years of being “out,” things started settling down and a new sense of normal started setting in. I eventually had to start facing myself again, taking care of myself and determining what I really want. The accolades from people around me only lasted so long.
I used to love going to firesides and other events surrounding Latter-day Saint LGBT experiences, but now I feel much more selective and I want to be sure of what the focus is. From where I sit, it seems like there’s an abundance of support for gay sex and marriage. I experience conflict when I see a Pride flag hanging from various businesses around town: “What am I supposed to be feeling right now?” “Supported?” Sometimes the message is, “Whatever you choose, we support you!” But what about those who are isolated and ostracized for their beliefs about sexual morality and the definition of marriage…accusations of being “homophobic,” “anti-equality?” What then? Is it assumed that I already have enough support within my religious affiliation? That I’d fit right in with all the “homophobes” and “bigots” and “discriminatory people?”
As much as I feel more a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints than I do the LGBT community as a whole, I feel like there’s still work to be done in the Church. But it’s not the kind that advocates or prepares people for the Church to change doctrines on marriage and sexual morality. It’s not the kind that gives a green light to abandon covenants. Rather, I hope that I will feel more comfortable to “be myself” at church, to be more open, to be affectionate with men, to be committed to someone, or otherwise have rich connection and intimacy in my church life…whatever that looks like. As mentioned elsewhere, I believe focusing on changing marriage and chastity standards can sidestep other options and fruitful discussions that can take place, hindering our understanding of same-sex attraction.
I spoke with a friend a few weeks ago (a gay man married to a woman). We talked about how nice it would be to not have the doctrines of the gospel constantly in question, but rather have a place in the Church for people trying to reconcile their attractions with their beliefs and values, no matter where they were in that effort. One of the best things I had a bishop tell me was, “No matter what your relationship status is, we want you here at church.” That doesn’t mean that he would water down the temple recommend questions for me, but that he would accept me and walk with me wherever I was on my journey. I’m not sure how lessons on marriage and sexual morality would work out, but I can’t think of too many reasons why a respectful same-sex couple can’t join in fellowship with other saints and participate as much as possible. Some people have said that members of the Church have the potential to be some of the greatest “allies.” I don’t much like the term “ally,” though, because to me it has a whole bunch of cultural baggage attached to it (in the context I’m thinking of, I’d probably be considered a gay rebel rather than an ally), but I just see other members as fellow disciples of Christ…allies in Christ, if you will.
Even with all that in mind, I have been struggling with some of the words said by General Authorities. Although I feel like I understand the spirit behind what they say…and I think that’s important…I struggle with the wording and how it can be interpreted. This might seem nit-picky, but it ran deep with me. I felt love emanating from President Russell M. Nelson as he spoke of more of the background behind the policy regarding children of same-sex couples and same-sex marriage being grounds for excommunication as well as the adjustment to that policy. I also felt like I could understand the message behind President Oaks’ talk in the October 2019 General Women’s Session of Conference. Yet I remember hearing “those who identify as LGBT,” or “children of those who identify as LGBT.” The assumption could be that “those who identify as LGBT” are all in same-sex sexual relationships and adhere to some LGBT ways of believing. To apply some literal thinking (which I tend to do), one could say, “Being in a same-sex sexual relationship is fine as long as I don’t ‘identify’ as gay.”
In some other Christian forums I participate in, some of the same logic comes up. Terminology can be argued about so much that it seems like it’s almost more grievous to use the word “gay” than it is to actually engage in sexual behavior. “Struggle with same-sex attraction” doesn’t mean “chastity,” and “gay” doesn’t mean having sex or adhering to certain set of beliefs. I am aware of a growing movement of gay Christians who, yes, intermingle “gay” with “same-sex attraction,” but who have upmost regard and respect for the institution of marriage, and likewise, the calling to celibacy and all the other opportunities that offers.
Back to terminology and identity. I don’t “identify” as gay. I just am gay. It’s a part of me. It does not define me. I define it. There have been times where my identity was wrapped up in it for better or for worse. I’ve had to go through several moments with the Holy Ghost where I had to say, “Yes, I am gay,” in order to get out of a shaming funk. In fact, owning and accepting this part of me has allowed me to better let go and see myself as a greater whole. My identity in Christ is much, much bigger. I’m not Alex the Latter-day Saint, Alex the bald or Alex the gay. I’m just me…I am…but it’s not entirely without my sexuality either.
This is something I’ve had to learn on my own. I had to go through things that I wouldn’t have gone through had I repeated to myself, “Not my identity, not my identity…” I’ve had to learn from my sexuality what my needs are and what gives me energy, as my sexuality, whether I act out sexually or not, is part of my entire emotional being.
So when a leader says, “Attraction is not identity,” it may help with some of the stress, angst or simply struggling with sexual addictions or habits, but what about the parts that help me feel good about myself? What about the parts that bring me closer to Christ and to my fellow men? Certainly there are several good aspects of being same-sex attracted. Can’t those be part of who I am as an eternal being? Who can say?
So in summary…I guess…I’m not deathly attached to the terminology anymore. I still use those words here and there just because of the limiting nature of the spoken or written word. There’s so much more. But yes, there have been necessary stages in my journey where I’ve had to “identify” as gay, or at least more closely identify with what that means to me.
So I don’t quite know what to make of recent statements made by church leaders directed towards “those who identify as LGBT (when they really mean those in same-sex relationships).” It seems to me like we are in a political/religious balancing act and that’s where the focus is right now. I’m sure that’s incredibly complicated. Perhaps greater ministry to those who are gay and in the Church striving to keep covenants will come later? Luckily I have an amazing bishop who is very willing to let me just talk and express my complicated feelings of being so stuck “in the middle,” yet also feeling a spiritual home in the Church. I’ve come across some amazing people in the Church.
It has become apparent that “…it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting and constant influence of the Holy Ghost,” as President Nelson has counseled us. It seems like this not only applies to social media, the news, politics…voices of “the world,” but also the imperfect, human aspects of church leadership that can sometimes get in the way of our personal relationship with Christ (and I credit President Nelson for having that foresight as well). I know that were it not for the guiding influence of the Holy Ghost as well as a supportive family and mental health professionals, I would not have survived some of the things that have happened over the last couple of years.
The emphasis that our prophet has placed on personal revelation has been a theme in my life over the past couple years. I have enjoyed the “home-centered, church supported” gospel curriculum. I’m far from perfect. In fact, it feels like I’m constantly trying to establish a rhythm of study, prayer and exercise. But apparently the Lord knows I’m trying. That has gotten me through, and I feel hope for a better day.
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