Rants of a "Politically Incorrect" LGBT Person - Part 2

A subtitle to this mini-series of blogposts could be: "Things I want to say but don't always feel safe to say."  And also, sometimes it doesn't feel appropriate.  I try to be a decent guy.  I don't want to rain on someone else' parade either.  But hopefully this resonates with other fellow gay people (or however you describe your experience) who don't feel like they fit the "mold" of a gay person.

I recently saw a post about LGBT oppression in anticipation of the summer Pride month(s) once again.  It's a difficult time for me.  But here are some things I want to say:

"Oh yes I understand the oppression, especially as a partner-seeking gay person who believes in an orthodox Christian sexual ethic...

"...as long as same-sex marriage is legal (which I'm fine with on various levels) and Pride is celebrated all throughout the year...celibate gay Christians are even more oppressed.  And then there are those who are in heterosexual marriages as well!  And no.  Don't try to tell me that Pride encompasses all of us (perhaps there isn't even a way to encompass all of us...and that's valid).  I shouldn't have to do a bunch of mental gymnastics to believe that I'm included in official modern Pride events.

"...no, I do not get to be lumped in with some 'heteronormative, straight Christian majority' box.  Nope!  Don't don't do that."

It is possible to feel oppressed even in the LGBT community.  I often feel out-shouted by voices that, not only try to convince members of the Church that they should (or should have) supported same-sex marriage, but that the Church itself should change their core doctrines.  Even the Church currently places "LGBT+" people into a box of "those who believe differently than we do."  That's a perpetuation that I don't like.

You know how around Mother's Day each year, when there's a group of people that bring up women who don't have children?  Although I understand, it kind of bothers me sometimes, and there's certainly not something like that for Father's Day.  Men have the seeds of fatherhood too.  But ironically, I'm finding myself succumbing to the same temptations in regards to Pride.  I want to make sure people know that although it claims to be all about "LGBT people," some queer folk still lie outside the scope.

And you know what?  I don't even know the "why" behind all these feelings of conflict.  Some people feel it necessary to jump in and define them for me, like I'm still living in denial and refuse to accept my sexuality, like I'm secretly a homophobic bigot and I'm just like the rest of those "straight, Christian, homophobic bigots."  Or there's the suggestion that, "If you don't like Pride, then don't go."

It's all more complex than that.  Parts of Pride are for me, yet I don't have the fortitude to go and select out what I like and don't like.  It's too hard.  Some of it is jealousy.  Yes, sometimes I get jealous of people.  I would love to have the confidence to strut down the street topless.  I would love to hold hands with a guy friend and walk in a public place.  Some of my frustrations are about the fact that we even need a Pride parade to express that kind of affection for one another.  Yes, the origin of Pride is part of where the world...and the Church...is today.  We all have a certain common LGBT history.

Yet there are other things, especially in Utah, that are painful.  People might not know the conflict I feel when I see an "=" sign in the name of same-sex marriage, whereas I have different feelings about what equality even is.  There are also organizations that I really struggle with.   They proudly wave the flag of "LGBT-friendly," but I wonder if they'd be friendly with me and how I see the world.  I respect their existence.  I understand that they're life-saving for some people.  I'm not going to deter anyone away from them (in fact I've even recommended them to some people).  But some of their attitudes towards the Church and people in it drive me up a wall.  It's not like I don't understand either.  Still,  I have my feelings too.  Then there are the signs that say, "love is love," or "God loves gays."  OF COURSE LOVE is LOVE!  And of course God loves gays!  There's nothing in current church discourse that tells me otherwise!  The Church has gay people in it serving in callings, in the temples, in the Tabernacle Choir, etc.  But of course, my defense is never "good enough" because of the standards regarding marriage and chastity.  That warrants an "anti-gay" accusation, but never mind who we actually have in the Church.  Some people, in or out of the gay community, are still surprised when they find out we exist.

I will say, though, that I have had meaningful experiences during Pride month that were more personal in nature.  Two of them have been while on tour with the Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square (at which time it was called the Mormon Tabernacle Choir).  In 2015, some of us were racing around in Washington, D.C. on Segways the very day same-sex marriage was legalized nation-wide.  There were a variety of feelings to accompany that day.  However I was incredibly grateful to be with the Choir on tour.  That provided a a healthy distraction from the hell that I would otherwise be involved with on-line.  I remember the following week when we were in New York City.  Some choir friends and I were on a stroll and a boat tour around southern Manhattan.  The Empire State Building and several other buildings were lit up with rainbows in celebration of Pride as well as the landmark legislation just a few days before.  It was a pristine moment as I was with friends that I enjoyed being around.  I remember seeing two guys with rainbow tank-tops as we were walking to Hell's Kitchen (on Sunday, no less).  I just felt love for them.  That was my "Pride" day.  Granted, back then I figured the legalization of same-sex marriage would mark an "end" of some sort, and that we could finally start talking about how to thrive as gay people within the Church and associated covenants.  But meh...

Another Pride day found us in the middle of San Francisco...of all places...on our 2018 tour.  The weekend we arrived, I went over to a nearby Target to get some junk food and other necessities.  I passed a Pride section of the store and found some Love, Simon merchandise (if you're interested in something rather neutral, yet educational about what it can be like to be a gay teen...I highly recommend the film Love, Simon.  This is coming from someone who was skeptical...).  So naturally, I had to get a T-shirt.  It said, "Thx Simon" in the iconic rainbow colors.  On Pride day, I avoided the parade and went to tour Alcatraz with some friends...while a few other members of the choir went to events with some LDS-themed LGBT groups who participate in Pride events.  I unashamedly wore my Love, Simon shirt underneath my required musical missionary business casual with enough buttons open to show what I was wearing.  The point I'm trying to make is that I was with people that I loved and who I knew loved me.  We had fun together.  I felt included among them.  That's worth mentioning.  There are many ways in which I feel at home among choir members.  I was nervous about being in San Francisco on Pride Day with the Choir, out of fear that someone would say something rude about gay people, or that I'd feel conflicted the other way, with some choir members who are completely into Pride.  But my fears were unfounded.  It was a splendid day.  That was my Pride.  There's something to be said for the many wonderful members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who cling to their faith and also cling to their love for other people.

I've also had special moments when I've been on travel for work during the summer months.  I happened to be in San Antonio with a friend on the eve of San Antonio Pride.  I walked around with one of my bros from Texas (married to a woman).  And...gasp...we held hands!  Other times I've just been alone on my travel and had my own special affirmations.

I've had people tell me before that Pride naturally includes all of these experiences.  I suppose so.  But it also helps to have people who will listen to my frustrations about Pride as well, how exclusive it can feel and the acknowledgement that there are some gay people in the world who have conflicts with to outright distaste for modern-day Pride festivals.  And again, it's even more conflicting for me in Utah, seeing other members of my church advocate for things I felt I was counseled against.  It's a difficult place to be.

Another thing "politically incorrect" is that my perspective and view of my sexuality has been shifting and it's something I'm finally starting to accept.  I'm learning that it's something more complex than being "born that way" and it's also more complex than being able to change it.  I'm learning that sexual feelings just kind of are what they are and they're not "good" or "bad," although they can be powerful motivators for a variety of things, even outside of sex.  I just see them as part of my overall emotional makeup.  Yet it's lessening in importance.  I'm learning that I do not have to be constricted to a socially constructed "gay" box.  Heck, I'm even starting to feel uncomfortable when people refer to me as "gay," but at the same time if the topic is brought up, I don't see a point in avoiding that term either.  There are some lines of thought commonly associated with "reparative therapy" that resonate with me and that I understand (yet not in the context of intentionally trying to "change" my sexual orientation).  It's been a scary thing to accept that fact.  It's even more marginalization in the gay community.  But just like everything, it's complicated.  Ask me about it sometime.

Anyway, this ended up being more about Pride than I thought it would be.  I guess something else "politically incorrect" is that I have gay friends who are avid Trump supporters and even more conservative than I am.  They exist too.