It's been a rough start to Pride Month, the month where I'm supposed to feel all celebratory about my sexuality and who I am. But it's always rather conflicting, awkward, confusing, and it's perfect grounds for mental battles. It's another attempt at trying to twist myself into knots for what other people, groups or ideologies think I should do, be, think, feel.
I try to just stay out of it, but I can't. I don't want to be silent either.
I'd like to think that my story, my voice and my perspectives exist outside of and independent of Pride. As I look back, I can see how very little Pride has been involved in my journey. Sure...I can understand and acknowledge certain historical events that led to my starting point within the Church and in society. But I give most of the credit to Jesus Christ and His gospel, to church leaders, to patient and loving family members, and friends I have made along the way. One of the first things that I felt "affirmed" by was the Church's now outdated pamphlet, God Loveth His Children.
And honestly, some ideas (such as celibate companionship) have come to me in a personal way. I don't not credit Pride, Inc. for that. I credit the Holy Ghost and I credit those who have resonated with me in deep ways. And when I do feel pressure to acknowledge the history of Pride, it's just that...pressure. It's compelled speech. I can let history speak for itself and be thankful for the things I enjoy today. And like with other social justice movements clamoring for me to "acknowledge" past wrongs...it's almost like I'm being asked to keeping living in those decades. It's almost as if something about Pride thrives on conflict and division and remaining in an oppressed, victimhood state. Hmmm...
Some people might say there need not be a distinction between Pride and things relating to the gospel. I am not in agreement, and I can't force myself to agree (I've tried). When I first started looking for support, I knew very quickly what would not work for me. I remember stumbling on a website for "LGBT Mormons" with a rainbow Angel Moroni and advocacy for same-sex marriage. I've always associated the rainbow and Pride with those themes and I always had an interest in being different and apart from that. Pride was always "the world," and I figured there could be something else for "covenant keeping queers" or gay people who simply didn't feel like Pride was for them but wanted an equal voice in the public square.
I am seeing an increase of Pride and rainbows amongst fellow members of the Church and in spaces where I used to be able to go to get away from such things. I don't have any controllable judgment towards them other than what I feel. I reel at the political and (moreover) moral neutrality Pride has become. It's becoming the "neutral zone" and a bigger and bigger umbrella, and it's not sitting well with me. I will admit, though, that I've often used the rainbow in conjunction with something I perceive to be antithetical to the LGBT community as a whole...like a rainbow with President Trump or a politically conservative message. I'm a rebel that way I guess.
Some people decry the "us and them" characterizations and desire a large umbrella where all can thrive and just "love one another." But that just feels watered down to me. When it comes to support, I feel like I need a distinction. I need to know where I can call home and where I belong. I want support specifically for living my covenants, finding love within that framework, and hearing perspectives that lend towards that ideal. I know plenty of people who aren't on the "covenant path" but who are positioned towards Christ and are understanding of the gospel and how many of us are trying to live.
When I hear about "all-inclusive" spaces for LGBT people (and I don't know why people keep trying to imagine or create these kinds of things), I know and need to acknowledge that no, it will NOT be the same kind of support I'd find in a more church/gospel and covenant-keeping group. I need that distinction and I feel like it's unfair to suggest that they should feel the same. Such "all-inclusive" groups or events might be beneficial on some level, but I don't believe they should be pedaled as if everyone is going to feel supported in their own specialized desires or values.
This is why I believe Elder Jeffrey R. Holland sought to make some corrections at Brigham Young University (linked here) regarding "recent flag-waving and parade holding" and the resulting confusion of concerned students and parents. How was that taken? Anti-gay, homophobic, bigoted, etc. Pride has been equated with loving LGBT people and essentially being gay. And here I know of gay people who wanted to either attend or return to BYU to get away from those influences. Would they have to defend their beliefs at their own church's institutions? I feel like I totally understand that concern of theirss
I'll make an aside here and say that there are things that I wish could be a thing that might still be seen as suspect. Like at BYU for one...why not encourage same-sex friendships and connections? Why not de-stigmatize same-sex physical affection when in some places of the world, men regularly hold hands with each other? And I still see celibate partnership as something very different from marriage. But like I view my own journey, I view those as separate from the Pride movement (End of my aside.)
I know there are those who want to water down Pride and make it "something for everyone." I don't always know what to say to that or how to process it. Sure, even I have sometimes enjoyed the festive atmosphere say...in New York City...during Pride Month when I was with a trusted friend who understood me. But other times I just want Pride to stay in a specific lane. I don't want it to be the mainstream lens through which all people work through these issues. Just like my beef with critical social justice, I believe people can and should use a variety of philosophies, religious values and world views to address these topics.
I want to accentuate that it's possible to be gay, experience love, acceptance and self-acceptance and find peace and belonging outside of the umbrella of LGBT Pride. I know gay couples, even some who are vocal and on conservative news outlets, who have moved on and pretty much transcended the need for Pride. It seems like that's what the eventual goal should be...but then what would happen to those whose livelihoods depend on Pride and on-going conflict? I don't know. But surely Pride has become more than just about what it originally meant and I can definitely see why it can be divisive.
"If Pride isn't for you, then don't go or just ignore it."
Well...that's near impossible now. Whenever "support for the LGBT Community" is mentioned, I'm going to raise my voice and be an individual. I'm not going to let myself be misrepresented. Even on topics with which I agree...I still want to weigh in on my own nuanced perspectives.
From past experiences and conversations, I've known people who would say "But you're already included in Pride," or "Individuality is what Pride is all about!" They're welcome to see it that way if that floats their boat. But they're not me. They don't see what I see. My individuality and sense of personhood comes from a variety of other sources. I just keep thinking that if Pride...or more accurately...what it has become today...truly represented me, I would feel it automatically, without having to be "educated" about it. I wouldn't feel tortured every time it rolls around, every time I get the emails at work, every time companies pander...nevertheless that torturous feeling lessens when I am able to talk to friends and my own personal "allies" (mostly scary conservatives) about my complicated views and perspectives about Pride. And for that I am incredibly thankful.
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