(1) I support the right for my neighbors to wave the Pride flag. Just as I want to be able to express (somewhere) the conflict and/or awkward feelings whenever I see one (no, I don’t view this as a “normal” disagreement. I’m gay. I’m supposed to automatically feel completely soothed by the Pride flag, right?)
(2)I don’t really want Pride to disappear. I just want it generally understood that some of us exist outside of it but want an equal voice.
(3) I hated hearing about some people (of course, not through my news feed) burning a Pride flag. It actually offended me in that I thought it was disrespectful and despicable Granted, two gay public figures I follow joked about doing it, but that’s different.
And yet…
I’m kind of concerned and worried that Pride, rainbows, “ally” and other terminology and ideologies I’ve been concerned about are being seen more as neutral, as “the way.” I’m concerned and feel that it’s like the primary lens through which people view LGBT issues. It’s concerning because yes; although I could just stay out of it, I get represented in ways I do not agree with. So I feel the need to speak up. And even when I do agree, I still want my own voice.
It’s like the rainbow “should represent me” even though I don’t authentically feel that way. I think It’s divisive and virtue-signaling (the term meaning “I’m more loving and accepting that you are”). One thing about North Star was that it was like something different from all that. It’s probably why some gay Latter-day Saints were actually thankful that Elder Holland spoke up about it and encouraged a change of course at BYU. I too feel like they (rainbow symbols and such) can be more divisive than unifying. There can be understanding, compassion, even relationships and connection outside of the whole Pride (especially modern-day) umbrella. And something big can be said for gay couples who are kind of moving on from Pride and being “normal” (cause who is really “normal”?) members of society. I find that to be something rather “progressive.”
“Love is love,” or “Love wins,” with a rainbow symbol…reminds me of how some have taken words or phrases that hardly anyone would disagree with and made them to be more narrow to fit a specific agenda. Or that such concepts are radically opposed to or different than or better than from the kind of love we hear talked about at General Conference, the temple or other church meetings. Or that you cannot be considered a covenant keeping loving person unless you adopt specific ways of viewing LGBT issues.
Was *love* supposed to lead everyone to the same conclusion about same-sex marriage? Was *love* supposed to give everyone the same feelings about Pride? And no. I’m not part of the “straight majority,” but a lot of my own experiences, ideas and perspectives have come about independent of Pride, or at least modern-day Pride. I’m “something else.” The idea for the potential of celibate partnership and my discovery of spiritual friendship concept came by inspiration and divine intervention and people I consider to be my own “pioneers”. I am reluctant to credit that to Pride or acknowledge that it’s somehow part of Pride. I know people want to give me platitudes of “everyone belongs,” or “that’s what Pride is all about!” Or “it all automatically includes you!” No. I need “sides.” That’s how I know where I belong. Without it I don’t know where I belong. I’m like Preston in a recent “Sit Down with Sky” podcast. I get confused. I’m used to a place where covenant-keeping is kind of held up as the “neutral ground” (and I mean to include people who might not be there at the moment and are pointed toward Christ AND who don’t cause conflict for those of us who are trying to be on that path). I guess I spiritually feel like I belong in the Church in general, but don’t really know how to find other like-minded gay people with whom to form friendships and/or potential companionship (that’s all a work in process).
Some might say, “But you have to acknowledge the history of Pride.” Yeah…I know. But it’s becoming compelled speech. It’s like asking me to go back and live in that decade and perpetuate the stereotypes and divisions of that era. At some point history needs to speak for itself. At some point people are just people again.
I feel like I’m one bringing the “nuance,” because I perceive Pride and rainbows and gay sex and marriage to be the new norm. And yet I know others probably think I’m promoting some sort of hate or upholding a harmful status quo and they have the “nuanced opinion.” We’re so polarized and this is where we are. You get triggered. I get triggered. We all get triggered. Some of us live in a world of homophobia and hatred of gay people. Some of us live in a world full of rainbows and all-out acceptance and support of same-sex relationships and such (and gay people who want to offer their perspectives on actual covenant keeping are just kind of ignored or at least it feels that way).
So I don’t know how to force myself or manipulate my inner workings to see rainbow Pride differently (and that feels like the expectation). I hear what other people feel and think, but is that supposed to change how I feel? And I generally think, “Well yeah…rainbows show me there’s lots and lots and lots and lots of support for gay people, and mostly for same-sex marriage and sexual relations…corporate America and the law is on your side. Some of us have to go it alone or with less visibility.
So I don’t know where I belong anymore. I always thought I was somewhere in the middle, but now I don’t know where “the middle” is anymore. I don’t know if I have to accept rainbow Pride as my lord and savior in order to be a “good person.” I figured it wouldn’t be a big issue if there’s a place specifically for covenant-keeping, partner-seeking, mixed orientation marriage-accepting, humble-parade groups or whatever.
So this is my contribution to Pride month as a gay voice. “Be yourself” right? I’m not interested in any corrections to how I view this. I’ve already tried lecturing myself and calling myself a bigot and telling myself to catch up to the times. Just sharing only.
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