It Would Be Nice If...

This is another random smattering of thoughts (which, of course, I’ll probably let my perfectionism organize...)

Sometimes, I want my involvement in the Church and the Choir as a sign of the Church being “inclusive.” However, since that’s not good enough for some, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not good enough for the LGBT community. Or at least that’s the story I tell myself. It’s a handy story for when I want my voice heard. “You guys have same-sex marriage, so obviously you’re the ones being heard and the rest of us are chopped liver to both you and religion.” Ok...that’s some raw emotion there.

That’s the way of all shame isn’t it? That feeling of never being enough. In my case, never enough for the gay community and never enough for the communities I’d rather be involved in. Actually, within the Church it just seems like no one knows what to do with those of us who are gay and who would like to be true to scripture and the words of the prophets and somehow be happy at the same time.

There are a lot of things that would be nice to hear and experience...

It would be nice to be able to have a companion and somehow not have to deal with the sexual component. It’s hard to imagine with so few examples. It’s either married and sexual or alone and isolated.

It would be nice to have promise-bound friendships and have them recognized by the Church.

It would be nice to be seen and heard as our own little niche. A group of Latter-day Saint queer folk who are separate from those trying to change doctrine and shame others into their line of thinking (by using “equality” and a lot of other emotionally drivem language). Some say we need to unite the LGBT community, but that’s just not how things are.

It would be nice to have answers, more clarity on why homosexuality exists beyond a mortal affliction, whether it’s somethjng we can be proud of and affirmatively use within the bounds the Lord has set, instead of just guess and submit ourselves to bishop roulette.  Our understanding as a whole has definitely changed over the years. What’s next?

It would be nice to have it be understood that many who did not support the redefinition of marriage did not come from a place of hate, discrimination or the belief that gay people are less than. It would be nice to have it be understood that there are gay people amongst them. That in and of itself makes it something different.

It would just be nice to have things make sense.

Of course one of the common responses is that we have personal revelation and agency. It’s wonderful on a good day. Yet other times what resonates with me spiritually would be highly suspect to people around me. It’s truly a test in discerning the voice of God and the voice of the world. And sometimes the voice of the world can be inside the Church, from either angle.

Anyway, sorry if that’s a little deep. Just another perspective from a broken, gay Latter-day Saint.

Greet One Another with an Holy Kiss

Moreover he kissed all his brethren, and wept upon them: and after that his brethren talked with him.
     -Genesis 45:15

And Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck, and kissed him: and they wept.
     -Genesis 33:4

And the Lord said unto Enoch: Then shalt thou and all thy city meet them there, and we will receive them into our bosom, and they shall see us; and we will fall upon their necks, and they shall fall upon our necks, and we will kiss each other;
     -Moses 7:63

And as soon as the lad was gone, David arose out of a place toward the south, and fell on his face to the ground, and bowed himself three times: and they kissed one another, and wept one with another, until David exceeded.
     -1 Samuel 20:41 (David and Jonathan)

And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. 
     -Luke 15:20 (The Prodigal Son)

These are just a few examples in the scriptures of men kissing one another.  What has happened to our society?  This can either be a gay post, or simply a post about how all men were meant to relate to one another.  This isn't a comprehensive examination or "study" of male affection.  This is just my perspective, shared by many I've come in contact with.  Anyway, I reckon we have many problems in our society as a result of the separation of men from one another physically in addition to being emotionally stifled.  In 2nd Timothy, we read:

For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good... (vs.  2-4)

I'd like to focus on the phrase, "without natural affection."  In an attempt to condemn homosexuality, many pull this scripture out of their pockets.  However, a friend of mine pointed out another possibility about this scripture.  It could read, "Men shall be...without natural affection...for each other," meaning that the love and affection men are supposed to have for one another has waxed cold.  

We talk about hugs and arms around shoulders, but what about kisses?  Before a certain, arbitrary age, children, both boys and girls are kissed all the time.  As my mother sometimes says about little babies, "Oh, I want to suck her cheeks!"  From the scriptures above, the most prominent for me are those of David and Jonathan and The Prodigal Son.  One account is of two friends, and the other is of a father and his long lost son.

"But Alex!  Those kisses weren't sexual!"
"They didn't have SSA!"
"Kisses meant something different back then!"

OK...how do we know that the feelings they had for each other back then don't match many of the aspects of today's "same-sex attraction?"  I hear talk of how "homosexuality" wasn't even considered a thing in the early 1900s and earlier.  Men shared beds, took photos together and were very close.

In her book, Gay and Catholic, Eve Tushnet talks about how almost every sign of affection is automatically suspect when it comes from a gay person, especially if it's between two gay people!  There are policies in place at Brigham Young University and issues of "bishop roulette" that suggest that same-sex attraction makes us somehow more prone to sexual activity or temptation.  To illustrate bishop roulette, I know of a friend whose bishop forbade him from putting his arm around his friends, laying his head on his friends' shoulders, and (I think) giving hugs.  In cases of a man and a woman, this bishop celebrated it.  In cases of two men, he considered it inappropriate.  Fast forward to today, this same friend of mine is now in a different stake and has been asked to give a talk in Stake Conference about being gay and a Latter-day Saint.

So in some cases, gay people are forbidden from same-sex affection when in reality, they probably need it the most and in many circumstances, it helps them stay away from behaviors that are damaging.

In some discussions I've had, caution is always mentioned.  It's good to be cautious.  Yet I feel like there's so much focus and obsession on what to stay away from that we don't know what to actually do.  President Boyd K. Packer himself said, "Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior.  That is why we stress so forcefully the doctrines of the gospel."  This has affected me in a way that I feel guilty when I snuggle with my friends.  I feel like I'm being rebellious or f-ing society when I give my brothers a kiss or hold hands with them, especially in public (the f-ing society part is probably more accurate).

(Sidetrack: A couple weeks ago, a few friends and I went on a trip to Las Vegas a couple weeks ago to see Celine Dion and explore the Strip.  It's hard not to notice the men giving out tickets or brochures to strip clubs and other pornographic ventures.  However, on our way back to the car, we decided to hold hands.  It was Vegas, after all.  But the funny part is that these people didn't bother us when we were holding hands: It's probably somewhere along the lines of, "Oh, they're gay, they don't want to look at boobs.")

When I kiss my friends on the cheek, it's not because I want to have sex with them.  In some cases it doesn't even mean that I'm sexually attracted to them.  It's simply because I love them.  I love them on a spiritual level.  Perhaps it can be compared to children and babies...they're so cute and adorable and I just want to kiss their cheeks (which is now a whole other sexual taboo in our society)!  I know what is too sexual for me.  I know what my boundaries are.  They are not what society has placed upon me, they are the difference between what is life-giving and what is destructive.  Perhaps only I (or any one individual) am responsible to discern this for myself.  I can't define someone else' boundaries for them.

I hope we can bring back brotherly affection like no other time in history.  It's fairly clear that our prophet, Russell M. Nelson is urging us to prepare for a second coming of the Savior and that there is much that remains to be restored.  I daresay that a restoration of friendship and brotherhood is part of that.  Speaking of President Nelson, I had a stake president who is his son in-law.  I learned that not too long ago, President Nelson gave each of his sons in-law kisses whenever he would see them.  I've noticed some of this among the Brethren as they greet each other during General Conference.  Let's follow their example, as well as that of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Finally, brethren, farewell. Be perfect, be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in peace; and the God of love and peace shall be with you.  Greet one another with an holy kiss.

     -2 Corinthians 13:11-12

Ambiguity: Differences in Belief

As I've gone along in my journey, various people have come in and out of my life.  I know people who were once out of the Church or are now back in.  I know people who were once in same-sex relationships who are now single or married to someone of the opposite sex (a gay man and a gay woman in some circumstances!).  I know people who were once in a mixed-orientation marriage who are now in same-sex relationships or marriages.  I know people who are all across the board spiritually, theologically and politically.  There are heterosexual members of the Church who staunchly support same-sex marriage and all that is involved with that, and there are homosexual members and others who are staunchly opposed.  To say that I enjoy all this diversity would be a tremendous overstatement.  Some aspects of it frustrate me quite a bit.  But there are a few I simply mesh with, even if we don't see eye to eye.

Let me detract for a second.  I understand this is a sensitive topic.  When the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints clarified/changed the policy on same-sex marriage being an act of apostasy, it took many by complete surprise.  Many wondered why getting married as monogamous, same-sex spouses (or as I like to say...spice :) ) would be grounds for excommunication and apostasy.  Considering my own choices, pondering and study, it didn't phase me too much.  The part about children of same-sex couples, however, was a little harder to reconcile, but it stretched my faith in understanding that Heavenly Father knows all His children perfectly and will compensate in kind.

Now, back on track...I've had the blessing of corresponding with a few friends who are currently making different choices that I am.  In fact, I've seem many of my friends pair off and many of them become engaged.  I go through a variety of emotions, but that has been and could be a whole other post.  As mentioned in this post, I've been somewhat curious as to why the only options seem to be (1) loneliness and isolation or (2) marriage and sex.  A couple people have shared with me their perspective and rationale.  I was able to have these conversations because they understood where I was coming from, had respect for my beliefs, and likewise, I was able to do so for them.  We were able to exchange lenses, so to speak.

In short, they felt like marrying their partner was the more moral and right thing to do than to cohabitate or otherwise "just be partners" (I put that in "" for my sake).  This helps me see why so many were shocked with the Church's policy.  They earnestly felt that marrying would be deemed more appropriate, not less, than being partners otherwise, sexual or not.  I can totally understand where they are coming from.  There are some questions that I don't have the answers to either.  Wouldn't it be better for a child's same-sex parents to be married?  Wouldn't being married be better than being sexual without being married?  It would certainly be better to be in a monogamous relationship or marriage instead of being promiscuous, right?  And yet the Church doesn't seem to see it that way.

I remember one exchange in particular where I felt supportive and understanding of a friend, feeling his excitement along with him of his upcoming marriage...while simultaneously understanding that I had perspectives that were nearly the opposite.  I've had my own ponderings and beliefs in conjunction with Church doctrine and policy.  In no way does this mean I have all the answers or that I understand everything.  But for me, if marriage between a man and a woman and its attachment to procreation is something so sacred...I can understand why same-sex marriage would be on the opposite end of the spectrum.  I've heard of a few (admittedly, not many) same-sex couples who believe marriage was meant for a man and a woman in relation to the potential of bearing and rearing children.  Of course men and women marry when they can't or choose not to have kids, yet it preserves that kind of marriage culture.

I sometimes feel that, even if I were in a sexual relationship with a man...actually entering marriage would be like another step of apostasy.  It's what makes sense to me, in light of a lot.  I say that still not "knowing."  It's just what I've pieced together and how I feel.

It's an odd thing to live in ambiguity; still holding to my own beliefs about marriage, yet gradually arriving at peace with the beliefs and choices of others.  It's a reflection of the lives of many who live in this world, especially at the intersection of homosexuality and religion.  Oh well.  It is what it is.

I Can’t, But He Can

I just wanted to share just some of my thoughts about General Conference, particularly a talk given on Saturday morning, October 6. President Dallin H. Oaks once again focused much of his talk on marriage and gender. I could write a whole other post about how I’m not letting a couple painful moments take away from the rest of the great Conference. I truly was uplifted and I can feel the love from Jesus Christ and those who lead my church. I also plan on implementing much of the great counsel received (including actually doing my assigned ministering). I dare say I even felt somewhat uplifted and energized from a lot of President Oaks’ talk.

But I wanted to give voice to some of my feelings, perhaps help others who might be hurting, or simply let people know my take on things. Not everyone will agree with or like what I have to say. On a personal level, President Oaks’ talk was another one of those moments of truth mixed with pain. It has been affirmed and reaffirmed to me that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and has some specific roles and functions in our society, not to mention eternal progression. My experiences with same-sex attraction and my study and pondering have led to believe in that. I can’t say I 100% have a complete knowledge of the doctrines and policies, but I have faith and it makes sense to me.

Nevertheless some old questions and personal pains came bubbling up. When it came to “the opposition” and those who “seek to change the Church instead of changing themselves,” I wondered...does that include me? I’ve come to find value and merit in my sexuality. I don’t know what sexuality will be in the next life, but I do know that there are many things associated with being gay that I would NOT want to give up. My sexuality has framed how I relate to God, myself and others. I hope for opportunities to act on my attractions in ways that are in line with my covenants. But now the question is...do I have unrighteous desires then? The fact that I don’t even desire to be straight? The fact that I don’t currently have desires to marry a woman and have a family? Does that mean I’m not on the “covenant path?” Granted, I think my spirit confirms to me that I’m just fine where I am. But Satan definitely comes in to try to mess around.

I was also aware of the focus on gender. I submit that we do not have enough information about gender identity issues. I’ve learned more about gender from my transgender Latter-day Saint friends and acquaintances than I have from General Conference. I say that within a context that is not in opposition to the Family Proclamation, but rather an extension and a dive into things we don’t know and cannot yet comprehend. There’s some stuff that resonates with me spiritually, and there’s some stuff that raises red flags for me. But either way, I know that God knows what someone else’ eternal gender is, and the least I could do is respect which pronouns someone uses to reduce their angst. It’s BECAUSE gender is so important and essential that people experience gender identity crises. It’s important to feel at home in our bodies, and for some reason some people do not. To say that God would never permit a body to form incorrectly in the womb is almost like saying He would never let someone be born without arms. And we know that happens.

I am aware that there are those who are hurting far more than I am. I know that some same-sex couples and families faithfully watch General Conference. I know of others struggling to accept their own sexuality and wondering where they fit in the Kingdom to whom this talk must have been triggering and painful. I can relate in a way but I can only imagine the depth of hurt that some of these people must feel.

Sadly some of this hurt has turned to bitterness. I am aware that some are accusing my church of hate speech. I can’t say I agree or disagree, especially since I know it comes from a place of pain, but I know how it makes me feel. I cannot discount the many people along my path who have been kind, loving and affirming. This includes, family members, church leaders and choir members who have been a support and many of them didn’t qualify their love. I know there are those who will be there for me, boyfriend or not. I cannot see my church, as a whole, as promoting hate speech. I also can no longer open myself up to such negativity. I do not have the energy for it. This Conference helped me solidify my place in the Church. They are my people. I need to limit or eliminate the time I give to people and groups who do not respect my testimony, my faith and my leaders.

Naturally, part of my quandary is “am I being loving enough?” This is another source of angst for me. I want to be loving. The Lord knows I want to be loving. I also know that I need to protect my heart and my testimony. Sometimes I mistake self care and my feelings of disagreement as feelings of hatred, and I proceed to berate myself. As we sang “If the Savior Stood Beside Me” today, I pictured Him having compassion on me, a lowly servant struggling to love my fellow men. He wouldn’t guilt or shame me into loving other people. He would help me love others through love itself. How amazing is that? He loves me even when I find it hard to love others! As we finished one of my favorite Conference pieces, “It is Well With My Soul,” I felt just a portion of God’s love for all His children. I cannot, with my own power, love in all the right ways. But I know the Savior can.

Why is it Always Marriage?

I don’t fully know how to describe my feelings whenever I see someone else get engaged or married to a same-sex partner.  It’s a complex set of emotions.  It’s no use for anyone but myself to try and narrow it down to a single feeling.  That kind of conversation is reserved for those who would sit down with me and really listen.

However, one of the questions that often comes up is, “Why marriage?”  “Were no other options considered?”  I once posed this question on-line and one commenter mentioned all the legal benefits that come along with the institution of marriage.  It ended up turning into one of those marriage debates and how civil unions weren’t good enough, blah blah blah….  OK…that’s understood.  Same-sex marriage is a thing now.  They have their reward, and I trust that there’s enough support out there, not to mention Latter-day Saint oriented ally groups.  Now, what about those who want something else (and in fact, support for any LGBT individual with traditional views on marriage)?

Outside of all the legal crap, it seems as though marriage is often portrayed as the only alternative to loneliness or singleness.  But does it have to be that way?  I can’t speak from experience.  Maybe I’m too naïve.  Perhaps there is something about growing close to someone that inevitably leads to sex and marriage?  Perhaps getting married makes the sexual aspect feel more moral?  Granted, I come from a perspective where marriage is tied to a man and a woman exercising the powers of procreation, including all the arrangements that preserve that kind of marriage culture (for example, an infertile couple or an aged couple who are past child-bearing years, yet still being married).  Therefore, nothing I could have with a man, no matter how loving, no matter how sexual, is the same as a marriage.  It could be something else though, and that’s what I feel deserves more exploration. (I've heard many arguments to the contrary of my view on marriage.  Again...the courts have spoken, and I do support individuals who take advantage of that option.)

There are those of us who have deep feelings and beliefs about what marriage is and want to honor that, yet that longing of forming a pair bond with someone remains, and I’m not sure marriage and sexual relations have to be a part of that.  Yet when we look around at other same-sex attracted individuals, it’s like Christ when He said, “Will ye also go away?”  As a friend of mine put it, “I’m just looking for someone to stay in the Church with me.”  I have lots of respect for anyone in the LGBT community who wants to remain involved with the Church, but I’m referring to keeping covenants, honoring the biblical view of marriage, and yet still pursuing life together.

With people getting married right and left, though, it leaves me feeling discouraged.  It causes me to wonder if my idea of a celibate (possibly imperfectly so) companionship is not possible in our world.

Sometimes it feels like the “loneliness vs. marriage” narrative is an extension of black and white thinking that can be so prominent.  I guess I’d like to invite people in religion and in society as a whole to possibly make room for relationships and friendships that don’t fit either of the norms.  I suppose this is my "open letter to the Church."  We know what we're not supposed to do, yet what are we to do?  There may not be any answers on a church-wide level.  But hopefully we can have the freedom to explore with our personal revelation. 

Let's Talk About Feelings (Plus More Lessons in San Francisco)

Part 1

There has been an increased focus on listening to understand those on the fringes of society, who are on the fringes of church activity or who are different from cultural “norms.”  My better self does not wish to take away from that spirit.  But what about those who seemingly have it all together?  Perhaps those who struggle with a societal issue that doesn’t necessarily get sparked by something said by church leaders?

In an effort to jump to my main point and how I feel…I’ll illustrate something I’ve noticed sometimes.  It’s somewhat unique and hard to describe, but I’ll try.

An LGBT loved one or prominent LGBT example figure leaves the Church and/or lives contrary to its teachings.

Gay Latter-day Saint runs to LGBT community of support: “Hey guys, I’m struggling with this.  I have a variety of feelings I’d like to share…”

LGBT community of support: “Stop judging him!” “His actions have nothing to do with you!”  “You should feel happy that they’re happy!” “Get over yourself.”

The gay Latter-day Saint comes away feeling invalidated, empty and perhaps even worse than before.

I don’t mean to make a hasty generalization.  It’s actually only a few people who might say such things.  But the words of a few can do a lot of damage.  Even saying things like, “Your faith should be in Jesus Christ, not other people,” can be invalidating.  Even if we have faith that God knows best and will take care of everything and that we still love and respect those who pursue various life paths…those initial feelings and emotions are just going to come (I’ll share a quote about this in “part 2”).

What has been the most helpful for me is, “I hear you.  I can understand how you’d feel that way…it makes sense.  Thanks for sharing how you feel about this.”  It’s just a matter of listening…without trying fix anything, without trying to compare to someone who has it harder, without assuming anything.  It’s being in the “here and now” with the one who is sharing their feelings.

Part 2

Earlier this month (August), my friend and fellow baritone in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Eric Huntsman, gave a devotional talk at Brigham Young University.  The entire talk can be found here.  In it, he shared the following from Sarah Elizabeth Rowntree (this is the quote I’m referring to in Part 1):

“Remember Christ has no human body now upon the earth but yours; no hands but yours; no feet but yours.  Yours, my brothers and sisters, are the eyes through which Christ’s compassion has to look upon the world, and yours are the lips with which His love has to speak.”

In essence, we are His hands.  He has the ability to comfort us when we cry out to Him on our own, and sometimes He does.  But other times, His ministry comes from the people He places in our lives.

Brother Huntsman shared about the time when the Choir did an exchange with the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus while we were on tour in June.  He shared a little bit of my perspective on that event, and I’ll like to share a little bit more.  I watched as these men were warmly welcomed into the stands to sing with us.  I watched the visiting member of the Quorum of the Seventy as he and the choir leadership greeted many of them with a hug.  I don’t want to undermine this fact: it was the most spiritual experience for many on tour!

Yet I had a complicate mix of feelings well up in me: some jealousy, some bitterness, some sadness, yet also joy for the opportunity I had to sing next to these brothers.  I wasn’t prepared for all of it.  Here we were participating in a bridge building experience, yet I felt somewhat eclipsed.  In fact I often feel this way when there is a movement that brings the Latter-day Saint and LGBT communities together.  I sometimes call it a “Brother of the Prodigal Son” complex.  What about us who have been here the whole time?  When do we get our happy ending?

I tried to invalidate my own feelings first, by saying, “Oh Alex, it’s not about you, this is about them.”  “You’re here to serve them…stop being so selfish.” “You’re gay, they’re gay…this should be a proud, freeing moment for you.”  But the feelings in my heart were going to win…and for a minute there, I felt so alone.

Nevertheless, I had a few people, like Eric, who sat with me to listen to how I was feeling.  They were earnestly concerned about my feelings regardless of how they felt about the exchange.  I had the opportunity to open up and “come out” more fully to others about what I face as an individual in my unique circumstances.  Although the experience was difficult, I learned and grew from it in many ways.  But the point is that I had people who listened, without judgment, without telling me how I “should” feel and without trying to rush to fix the situation.  For that moment, the “fixing” was just listening.

So, what I’m learning is that we’re going to feel what we feel.  Feelings are valid.  Feelings need to be heard, even if it’s just between us and God.  I’m not saying that we have to share everything with everyone.  Not everyone has earned the right to listen to the inner-workings of my heart and testimony.  I didn’t share ALL of my San Francisco experience.  There are still things that are too personal to share in a blog post. 

We know there are those who may have been ostracized by family, church or society at large.  They have feelings that need to be heard, yes.  But perhaps that can be extended to all of us.

Lessons from Singing in San Francisco

As many might know, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir went on tour along the west coast of the United States toward the end of June.  I'm sure you'd want to know many more details, but they can be found elsewhere.  In summary, I saw a blue whale, saw some orcas, saw underground Seattle, saw Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom...twice while on tour and another time the night I got home...spent some time with some hilarious, fantastic people, saw one of my besties in Seattle (you know who you are!) and sang in 7 concerts.

Only a few weeks before tour, I learned that we'd be in San Francisco right during their Pride weekend.  Not only is that a big event for San Francisco, but our hotel was right next to the parade route.  I was moderately nervous, but I knew that this leg of the tour was going to come whether I liked it or not.  I was nervous about seeing all the rainbows, equality signs and some predominantly Mormon LGBT advocacy groups with whom I find myself at odds, oddly enough.  Similarly, I was nervous about what other choir members might say about "those gays" or something negative about the Pride movement.

However, San Francisco ended up being the best stop for me on tour.  I found a piece of myself.  I learned something from a so-called liberal area of California.  I found that when I walked out of the hotel, not only did I not have to worry about being judged, but I didn't have to worry about appearing judgmental!  Everyone could just be themselves!  I feel like this is a contrast with Utah culture.  It's not just a gay thing.  I wonder if many people put on a mask when they walk out the door to adhere to some cultural norms.  If you're not being judged, then you're accused of being judgmental.  Yet in San Francisco, I felt something in the middle, and it was freeing.

Many of my fears were unfounded about the Pride scene.  Actually, the group I was with missed the parade entirely as we took a jaunt to see Alcatraz.  However, I splurged and wore a rainbow, Love, Simon-themed shirt, visible under my dressy casual button-down shirt.  I jokingly said to my group, "If anyone gives us crap, I'll use my rainbow power...".  I was grateful to find out that most people were genuinely curious about the Pride scene and enjoyed the energy in the city.  Most people seemed to understand that the basic experience of being gay is different from the extremes sometimes seen at Pride.  I don't recall hearing anything negative from other choir members...at least not within my earshot.

I realized that instead of recoiling from the rainbow flag, I can make it my own.  Pride can be just as much about my discipleship as it is about someone else' sex life.  It can be about brotherly love and companionship.  It can be anything.  Many may say that's what the Pride movement is really about, but I daresay that there indeed are polarizing voices out there telling us what we should and shouldn't feel about it, whether they come from the Church or progressive LGBT communities.  But we can pull away from that and do something new.

I don't know how long it will be before I can go to official Utah Pride events.  I'm still uncomfortable, as I'd rather do something to celebrate it with my own "covenant-keeping queer" friends.  But I am working on integrating the "me" I found in San Francisco into my Utah life.

Thoughts on "Change"

About a year ago, I attended an experiential weekend called Journey into Manhood (JiM),  put on by the organization, Brothers on a Road Less Traveled. It’s a resource to help men dealing with “unwanted” same-sex attraction. As the Utah weekend rolls around again this year, I was planning on sharing some of my experiences, however, I'm feel like steering more towards general thoughts and feelings I have about my sexuality, its fluidity and my desires.  I'm willing to share about my JiM weekend, but possibly in another setting or a later post.

A word on orientation change or reparative therapy: there are differing opinions as to whether the JiM weekend is reparative therapy. Furthermore, there are differing opinions as to what reparative therapy even is. Is it a change in behavior?  A change in sexual feelings? A change in sexual identity Reframing our sexuality? Healing from the shame surrounding same-sex attraction? Some people consider mixed-orientation marriage to be “reparative therapy,” yet many gay men I know who are married to women are still as gay as can be. Just like Pride month has several interpretations, so too will everyone probably have a different spin on what constitutes “change."

There have been some news stories recently about banning conversion therapy in California.  I don't know what news sources to rely on.  Everything is so heated and biased, especially cause we can't seem to nail down the definition.  Below is something I shared in a group after some conflict on this topic and how it relates to me and my life (reworded as needed)...

I have my own feelings about various types of conversion therapy, but I also don't agree with banning it or whatever is going on. I can't speak much to that for reasons mentioned further on.

Here goes: I don't want to change my sexual orientation.

It's easy to say, "Don't let others tell you want to do." "Don't do it if it's not for you," "don't beat yourself up," or quote more up to date religious statements on same-sex attraction. But it's not that easy. There have been many ex-gays, or people who have experienced a shift, who have graciously said that they wouldn't recommend such things to everyone and who do not want to push their experiences on others. There are many voices, even from church leaders, who say, "You are fine/perfect the way you are." That's appreciated and I encourage it, but there's *still* a bunch of cultural shame and other programming to be overcome.

Since I have friends or know others who have experienced a shift AND/OR have been able to marry...I've somehow developed a shaming voice that says, 

"Well...even if it's impossible to shift your feelings, you should still try."

"You should still desire to be straight."

"You should still desire to marry and have a family..."

It's easy to believe this in a religious culture. Wanting to "stay gay" could be compared to being lazy or not working to overcome an addiction or other trial. That's how I've sometimes seen it. Wanting to "stay gay" can easily be seen as an "unrighteous desire"...part of the natural man, against God's will.  This has NOT been helpful!

I acknowledge that I have the potential to make babies. I have the potential to probably grow close to and love a woman adequately enough to travel that path. I know my sexuality is fluid. So knowing all this can pile up even MORE shame on myself. Great, now I know I have the potential to do all these things...but I simply don't want to...and that makes me wrong or a bad person...or so the shame tells me.

It's taken a LONG time to get to this point...to believe that God is okay with me not wanting to change my sexual orientation. It's taken a long time to believe that even though I don't know WHY I don't want to change, that this desire is enough for God. Is it hard to be gay/SSA? Yes! Is it hard to be gay/SSA and remain celibate and Side B? Yes! But I don't want to give it up either. It's a blessing in my life.  I wouldn't know myself without it.

Ironically enough, I feel more committed to my covenants with God and more at home in church and more optimistic about life in general when I accept and see myself as a gay man, rather than hold this expectation over myself that I should pursue becoming straight, that I should at least want it, or that I should at least desire to marry a woman. The Spirit testifies to me of the sacredness of marriage, the uniting of a man and a woman in part to bear and rear children in love and righteousness, but it's also evident that I don't want that for myself. At least not right now.

Maybe God can communicate with me through wants and desires.  Maybe my wants are not always against God's will.

What Else is There?

A recent Sacrament meeting I attended had a theme around missionary work. I had an awareness about how lately, I’ve been wondering about my testimony and what I would share with someone. What hope does the gospel hold for gay people?  Why am I still here? I really couldn't think of anything.


For many, the hope that comes from the gospel, and something that makes the teachings of the LDS Church unique, is that of eternal families. That’s a major go to, and I know that it brings a lot of hope to people. It makes sense that it blesses people all over the world. Yet I had the awareness that it was ALL I was seeing about the gospel. For someone who has hardly any interest in marrying, save only a space I’ve held open simply because I felt like I was supposed to, such a view of the gospel can be rather bleak.

Oddly enough, it felt peaceful to come to this realization. It’s kind of an opportunity to rebuild my faith on other aspects of the gospel. I’m currently in a state of “what else is there?” I think Heavenly Father has been working with me, pretty much tearing down so many of the beliefs I had held onto...independently of what is taught on a general level.  For example, we're told all the time how we will be able to marry in the next life (well, I am certainly able to go through the motions in this life...and it would fill another "supposed to" obligation...but it wouldn't be pretty as of now), but I thought I was supposed to hold on to that hope all throughout my life, like I was supposed to keep imagining myself married to a woman and being a father, and that thinking about that was going to make me happy.  I thought studying my scriptures, attending the temple and doing all those little things was going to lead me to desires to marry and have a family.


But it hasn't.  I feel a spiritual goodness about it.  I love attending and being able to participate in sealings.  I've had my witnesses about the marital unit and it's intended connection to procreation.  It's not a popular view in the gay community...although I'm gradually finding more and more who believe that way.  But I struggle to imagine myself living authentically in such a relationship.


I found that viewing the gospel and viewing my life within the context of marriage and family put me in an odd separation from God.  Scripture reading became a chore.  I had trips to the temple where I thought, "what am I doing here?"  I must not be on the right path or being good enough if I don't want to marry, right?  Or at least that's what I thought.  I thought anything outside of pursuing marriage (even if it was a painstaking, lifelong journey) was outside of what God wanted.  We hear talks about single people, but I always thought it was assumed that we still "should" desire marriage.  But perhaps God has other things in store when it comes to "filling the measure of our creation."*


I’ve heard a lot recently about being co-creators with God, and for some reason I didn’t think it applied to me being gay in the Church. So this is like an opportunity to create something new. I still have dreams of doing life with someone, having someone to come home to and to live the gospel with, but it’s just in a hopeful phase right now. It might not happen, but sometimes even the possibility is what keeps me going.  There are many who feel that they have been inspired to enter a same-sex marriage.  It's not my place to question that personal revelation.  I just don't want it looking like I'm heading that direction.  I do have to see it as a valid option.  I think that is healthy.  But I still think there are a variety of vocations and relationship possibilities for gay members within the context of the covenants of the gospel.

Scripture study and temple attendance are so much better when I’m NOT trying to force myself into “the mold.” I thought I had this figured out already, but it creeps back in far too often.  Maybe the gospel of Jesus Christ, even as taught by the LDS church, is for everyone.  Maybe it is a gospel of happiness, even if some don't have the desire to be married.