Life Outside the Closet: A Shift in Identity

“In coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting and constant influence of the Holy Ghost.”

              -President Russell M. Nelson, General Conference, April 2018


So I’m on a little break from social media during the Christmas season.  In a way, I’m in recovery mode; reconnecting with myself, my family and with people immediately around me.  I have more energy and I’m more focused on specific tasks at hand.  I find that social media overwhelms me with a lot that I don’t need.  Each time I’ve logged back on, I do so hoping to be able to just use it for communication and/or positivity, but all too easily I get sucked back into the same old patterns. 


That being said, I still feel like I’m in this awkward middle ground that doesn’t really get talked about very much.  Being gay and open about it isn’t as exciting as it used to be.  I recently posted on my Instagram trying to share my experience about how after a few years of being “out,” things started settling down and a new sense of normal started setting in.  I eventually had to start facing myself again, taking care of myself and determining what I really want.  The accolades from people around me only lasted so long.


I used to love going to firesides and other events surrounding Latter-day Saint LGBT experiences, but now I feel much more selective and I want to be sure of what the focus is.  From where I sit, it seems like there’s an abundance of support for gay sex and marriage.  I experience conflict when I see a Pride flag hanging from various businesses around town: “What am I supposed to be feeling right now?” “Supported?”  Sometimes the message is, “Whatever you choose, we support you!”  But what about those who are isolated and ostracized for their beliefs about sexual morality and the definition of marriage…accusations of being “homophobic,” “anti-equality?”  What then?  Is it assumed that I already have enough support within my religious affiliation?  That I’d fit right in with all the “homophobes” and “bigots” and “discriminatory people?”


As much as I feel more a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints than I do the LGBT community as a whole, I feel like there’s still work to be done in the Church.  But it’s not the kind that advocates or prepares people for the Church to change doctrines on marriage and sexual morality.  It’s not the kind that gives a green light to abandon covenants.  Rather, I hope that I will feel more comfortable to “be myself” at church, to be more open, to be affectionate with men, to be committed to someone, or otherwise have rich connection and intimacy in my church life…whatever that looks like.  As mentioned elsewhere, I believe focusing on changing marriage and chastity standards can sidestep other options and fruitful discussions that can take place, hindering our understanding of same-sex attraction.


I spoke with a friend a few weeks ago (a gay man married to a woman).  We talked about how nice it would be to not have the doctrines of the gospel constantly in question, but rather have a place in the Church for people trying to reconcile their attractions with their beliefs and values, no matter where they were in that effort.  One of the best things I had a bishop tell me was, “No matter what your relationship status is, we want you here at church.”  That doesn’t mean that he would water down the temple recommend questions for me, but that he would accept me and walk with me wherever I was on my journey. I’m not sure how lessons on marriage and sexual morality would work out, but I can’t think of too many reasons why a respectful same-sex couple can’t join in fellowship with other saints and participate as much as possible.  Some people have said that members of the Church have the potential to be some of the greatest “allies.”  I don’t much like the term “ally,” though, because to me it has a whole bunch of cultural baggage attached to it (in the context I’m thinking of, I’d probably be considered a gay rebel rather than an ally), but I just see other members as fellow disciples of Christ…allies in Christ, if you will.


Even with all that in mind, I have been struggling with some of the words said by General Authorities.  Although I feel like I understand the spirit behind what they say…and I think that’s important…I struggle with the wording and how it can be interpreted.  This might seem nit-picky, but it ran deep with me.  I felt love emanating from President Russell M. Nelson as he spoke of more of the background behind the policy regarding children of same-sex couples and same-sex marriage being grounds for excommunication as well as the adjustment to that policy.  I also felt like I could understand the message behind President Oaks’ talk in the October 2019 General Women’s Session of Conference.  Yet I remember hearing “those who identify as LGBT,” or “children of those who identify as LGBT.”  The assumption could be that “those who identify as LGBT” are all in same-sex sexual relationships and adhere to some LGBT ways of believing.  To apply some literal thinking (which I tend to do), one could say, “Being in a same-sex sexual relationship is fine as long as I don’t ‘identify’ as gay.”  

In some other Christian forums I participate in, some of the same logic comes up.  Terminology can be argued about so much that it seems like it’s almost more grievous to use the word “gay” than it is to actually engage in sexual behavior.  “Struggle with same-sex attraction” doesn’t mean “chastity,” and “gay” doesn’t mean having sex or adhering to certain set of beliefs.  I am aware of a growing movement of gay Christians who, yes, intermingle “gay” with “same-sex attraction,” but who have upmost regard and respect for the institution of marriage, and likewise, the calling to celibacy and all the other opportunities that offers.


Back to terminology and identity.  I don’t “identify” as gay.  I just am gay.  It’s a part of me.  It does not define me.  I define it.  There have been times where my identity was wrapped up in it for better or for worse.  I’ve had to go through several moments with the Holy Ghost where I had to say, “Yes, I am gay,” in order to get out of a shaming funk.  In fact, owning and accepting this part of me has allowed me to better let go and see myself as a greater whole.  My identity in Christ is much, much bigger.  I’m not Alex the Latter-day Saint, Alex the bald or Alex the gay.  I’m just me…I am…but it’s not entirely without my sexuality either.  


This is something I’ve had to learn on my own.  I had to go through things that I wouldn’t have gone through had I repeated to myself, “Not my identity, not my identity…”  I’ve had to learn from my sexuality what my needs are and what gives me energy, as my sexuality, whether I act out sexually or not, is part of my entire emotional being.  


So when a leader says, “Attraction is not identity,” it may help with some of the stress, angst or simply struggling with sexual addictions or habits, but what about the parts that help me feel good about myself?  What about the parts that bring me closer to Christ and to my fellow men?  Certainly there are several good aspects of being same-sex attracted.  Can’t those be part of who I am as an eternal being?  Who can say?


So in summary…I guess…I’m not deathly attached to the terminology anymore.  I still use those words here and there just because of the limiting nature of the spoken or written word.  There’s so much more.  But yes, there have been necessary stages in my journey where I’ve had to “identify” as gay, or at least more closely identify with what that means to me.


So I don’t quite know what to make of recent statements made by church leaders directed towards “those who identify as LGBT (when they really mean those in same-sex relationships).”  It seems to me like we are in a political/religious balancing act and that’s where the focus is right now.  I’m sure that’s incredibly complicated.  Perhaps greater ministry to those who are gay and in the Church striving to keep covenants will come later?  Luckily I have an amazing bishop who is very willing to let me just talk and express my complicated feelings of being so stuck “in the middle,” yet also feeling a spiritual home in the Church.  I’ve come across some amazing people in the Church.  


It has become apparent that “…it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting and constant influence of the Holy Ghost,” as President Nelson has counseled us.  It seems like this not only applies to social media, the news, politics…voices of “the world,” but also the imperfect, human aspects of church leadership that can sometimes get in the way of our personal relationship with Christ (and I credit President Nelson for having that foresight as well).  I know that were it not for the guiding influence of the Holy Ghost as well as a supportive family and mental health professionals, I would not have survived some of the things that have happened over the last couple of years.


The emphasis that our prophet has placed on personal revelation has been a theme in my life over the past couple years.  I have enjoyed the “home-centered, church supported” gospel curriculum.  I’m far from perfect.  In fact, it feels like I’m constantly trying to establish a rhythm of study, prayer and exercise.  But apparently the Lord knows I’m trying.  That has gotten me through, and I feel hope for a better day.

Complications of a Side B Gay Latter-day Saint

"What? Another label?"  Yes.  Another label, but one that has been helpful to me.

This is another smattering of thoughts about recent events.

I've enjoyed getting to know other gay Christians from various denominations.  We have varying beliefs about the gospel and interpretations of it, but we have common beliefs in regards to sexuality, or more specifically, the institution of marriage between a man and a woman and that sexual behavior is meant to stay in that union.  Yet many of us still believe our "non-straight" sexuality carries meaning and purpose and that it is an important part of who we are.  I've come to know this as a "Side B" sexual ethic, whereas "Side A" is more affirming of same-sex marriage and sexual relations.

This might look divisive, but I really appreciate the quick sum-up of what someone believes so there aren't as many questions, arguments or talking past one another.  Side B includes everything from mixed orientation, to singleness to celibate partnership.  That's where I am.  And contrary to popular belief (what is "popular belief," anyway?), it doesn't equate to a life of loneliness and misery.

I feel like the Latter-day Saint LGBT community doesn't really make this kind of distinction.  I feel like sometimes there's an effort to be "everything to everyone."  There are efforts to try and make us all one big happy LGBT family, but I'm not sure it's possible, at least from an organizational level.  There can be lots of talking past one another, and it's exhausting.  I sometimes wonder if "Side A" and "Side B" would be better left to themselves and forging friendships between each other naturally and on an individual level (unfortunately I can't currently be part of the larger Side B Christian group because...I'm a Latter-day Saint...different views about the Godhead).

But I had an interesting interaction that prompted this post to begin with...it was a respectful interaction with a "straight ally" just trying to understand LGBT people.  A suggestion was made for the LGBTQ community to expand and open up space for those who choose celibacy or mixed-orientation marriage.  However, I almost don't want that or expect it from the LGBT community.  I want it from the Church.  My beliefs go with me.  There was also a suggestion that the Church should expand its theology to include same-sex marriage...and that those who feel inspired to celibacy or mixed orientation marriage would still be able to do so.  I found that kind of an odd suggestion.

This caused me to evaluate why I choose what I currently choose.  I've entertained what is available to me in the doctrines of the gospel.  My choices aren't completely independent of what the prophets and apostles say.  I do still have some feelings about The Family: A Proclamation to the World that I cannot deny.  I studied and prayed independently of what my leaders told me.  That doesn't mean I believe marriage is for me, at least not right now, but I just feel like I understand.

I've enjoyed entertaining ideas about brotherhood, friendship and celibate partnership...various types of intimacy that, to me, work within the doctrines of the gospel as they are now.  They're simply possibilities for Side B gay Latter-day Saints to fulfill our relational needs ("It is not good for man to be alone" doesn't just pertain to those cut out for heterosexual marriage).  I entertain these ideas because of my respect for marriage between a man and a woman and the law of chastity.  I do not feel they are in conflict and I'm not trying to infringe on those doctrines.  I do not equate partnership with "husband and husband."

But if the Church did change what marriage is and the law of chastity in that regard, my perspectives on celibate partnership and other ways of living wouldn't carry as much weight.  If marriage is available to me now, why not take it?  However, I can't say I'm "blindly following."  It's because I believe President Russell M. Nelson is a prophet of God.  I don't always agree with how things get said, but the Holy Ghost bears witness to me of the truth without language barriers.  I still follow in faith.

Hope that all made sense.  It did in my head.

So from my little corner, I see many loud voices clamoring for the Church to change doctrine, and the Church keeps responding to them, as if all LGBT people possess the same beliefs.  With same-sex marriage being legal and a whole month (or more) devoted to gay Pride, I have a hard time believing I'm NOT a part of some overlooked minority.

I know about the law of chastity.  I know what marriage is.  Yet I'm wondering what else there is for us in the gospel and in the Church.  And hopefully the answer is that we do not need to be commanded in all things, that we do have the freedom to explore our sexuality, especially within the bounds the Lord has set.  Hopefully we do have the freedom to be physically affectionate in public and at church, and hopefully it won't scream SEX to everyone.

I don't know if I'm adequately explaining my thoughts, but in summary, it's awkward and sometimes agonizing being a Side B gay Latter-day Saint.  I don't feel at home in LGBTQ communities.  Many times I see "LGBT-friendly" or some event that is "all-inclusive," yet my heart already gets heavy because they most likely won't support my beliefs.  My spirit knows it's at home among the membership of the Church, yet I'm still trying to figure out what it means to "be myself" within that context.  I know there's a place for me, but I'm still creating it.

Love Thyself

I was invited to give a talk in my parents' ward a couple weeks ago.  I was asked to choose and speak on a Christlike attribute.  I immediately thought of His ability to love.  I felt like I wanted to share my talk on my blog.  I don't like the idea of promoting myself and drawing a bunch of attention.  I just feel like I have some things to share that I don't often see in Christian/Latter-day Saint and LGBT conversations.  How often are we kind and compassionate to ourselves?  Even when we struggle to love others, how often to we come back to how we treat ourselves and pondering on how God views us?

Another important point I'd like to make is that contrary to what we see in the media, there are many Latter-day Saints who want to talk about these "real," and difficult topics, especially within a faithful perspective.  Many people came up to me and said, "I have a gay son," "I have a gay brother."  Recently, I've started to feel more at home among communities of saints than in groups specifically set up for LGBT people, although I still hope to be more of my "gay self" at church and with my family...and I'm still learning what that looks like.  But overall, my spiritual home is with fellow Christians in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

OK...now here's my talk...

I’d like to talk first about the individual love the Savior has for us and the importance of loving ourselves.  Then I’ll talk about how that can naturally lead us to love others.

In learning about the love of God in my own life, I’d like to share some of my own spiritual journey, as a son of God who just so happens to find other sons of God rather attractive. I hope that some of what I share will resonate with you and can be applied in a variety of circumstances.

There have been many times I’ve struggled to love myself.  I didn’t know what it meant to love myself, and sometimes I still don’t. Other times I thought I had to figure out how to love myself while simultaneously hating my passions and attractions. That didn’t work.  There have been times of living in fear that God would stop loving me if I made a mistake, left the Church or if I engaged in behaviors that weren’t in line with the gospel.

However, over the years (and especially recently), I have been surprised to learn that God’s love is always there. 

In the April 2013 General Conference, President Monson gave a talk entitled “We Never Walk Alone”. He said,

“Your Heavenly Father loves you—each of you. That love never changes…It is simply there. It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there.”

As I’ve prayed and pondered about various paths to take in life, as I’ve made mistakes and repented over and over again, as I’ve wrestled before the Lord, I’ve learned that the voice of the Lord is not one that rules through fear and shame.  His voice has always been one of love, compassion and perfect understandingeven when I’ve needed corrections.  Humor has been a helpful relief in many circumstances, and I consider it a blessing.  Heavenly Father cracks some pretty good gay jokes with me every now and then.  More and more I am able to invite Him into the picture and be completely honest with Him.  But there was a span of several years where I thought I had to hide this from God and others, and I lived in shame.

But as I’ve come to know the Lord as a perfect, all-knowing and all-loving being, the answer always seems to be, “I know.  You don’t need to be ashamed.  You don’t need to hide.  I love you.”  Sometimes this love would overwhelm me and even make me angry.  I almost wanted Him to love me only if I kept the commandments, as if that were the proper motivation for living my life on a covenant path.  

But that was not His will.  He just wouldn’t stop loving me.  SIowly, but surely, I figured if He could love all of me, and all the things about myself I thought were displeasing, then maybe I could start loving myself too.  This hasn’t been easy.  I’ve needed a lot of help from my family, from church leaders, from friends and from therapists.  They’ve helped me to see that I am worthy of love and belonging.  This love hasn’t been a green light to abandon my covenants or leave the Church.  Rather, it’s been an invitation to trust in that love, to experiment upon the word and use all the spiritual tools that I’ve been given to discern the fruits of the Spirit in my life.  There have been risks and mistakes along the way, and the future is rather unclear.  But the amazing thing about divine love and grace is that it actually makes me want to do the things necessary to stay close to God.

He hasn’t taken away my attractions.  I don’t feel like that was His will, and I don’t really want Him to.  Instead, He has transformed them into something beautiful, perhaps a gift to be used within the bounds He has set.  He has taught me that there are many more ways to give and receive love outside of romantic relationships that I personally feel our culture tends to idolize.  I’ve learned about brotherhood and friendship and their important roles in building the kingdom of God.  I’m learning about admiring the beauty in those around me (yes, mostly men).  I’m learning to see beyond the physical and appreciate all of who they are as my spiritual brothers.  I’ve learned about the healing power of healthy physical affection, like giving hugs, putting an arm around a shoulder or even holding hands.  

I recently read a book about faith and brotherhood.  The author made reference to when Christ was physically on the earth performing miracles of healing.  He could have simply said “be healed,” but in many cases He chose to touch His disciples in meaningful ways as part of their healing.  I also like to think of how He called 12 apostles to be with Him and minister with Him.  I like to think of the bonds of love they must have shared with one another.  I know this is true of the leaders of our Church today as I see them interact at General Conference.

I’ve been led to other amazing men and women who are also gay or same-sex attracted.  Some of these people are members of other faiths. But they have strong desires to honor God’s law of marriage between a man and a woman and the law of chastity in that regard.  I have a close-knit group of brothers who are on the same journey.  I love them very much.  Unfortunately, many of us live in different states, but we share a love for the gospel and a love for each other.  I would not be here today without their love and support.  While I am able to hold space for the possibility of marriage to a woman and having a family, I certainly hope for deep and abiding friendships with my brothers in the eternities.  

Naturally, I’ve had friends who have left the Church, distanced themselves from friends and family or who struggle to stay on a covenant path.  The reasons are varied and incredibly complex.  It has been a personal struggle for me to understand how togenuinely love those who might choose a path outside of the gospel. This is especially true about differences in political or religious beliefs and when there is anger and bitterness about doctrines of the gospel.

I enjoyed Sister Neill Marriott’s talk entitled “Abiding in God and Repairing the Breach.”  She talks about an argument she had with her relative and it left her angry.  She vented her feelings out in prayer, but then she said, “You probably want me to love her…How can I love her?  I don’t think I even like her.  My heart is hard; my feelings are hurt.  I can’t do it.”  Then the Spirit prompted her to say, “But You love her, Heavenly Father.  Would you give me a portion of Your love for her—so I can love her too?”

This is a pattern I have had to follow.  Love can be difficult.  I can’t force myself to love in God’s way.  I can’t shame myself into loving someone unconditionally.  But I can trust that the Lord loves them, and I can pray for a portion of His love.  This is closely connected with how I view myself and whether or not I can feel God’s love for me.  It’s rather difficult to give oil to someone else, if don’t have any in my lamp.  I’m certainly not perfect, but I’ve learned a little bit more about a love that does not condone sin, but neither does it require me to constantly remind my friends where I stand.  The Holy Ghost can do the work.  No matter what their relationship status is or the nature of it, they are still divine children of God.

I also have friends who have returned to church activity and to a covenant path, and even then their paths vary.  I have a couple friends who are partners, and several years ago made changes in their lives and got to a place where one was able to baptize the other.  They’ve served faithfully in the Church and in the temple, and they care for each other as brothers in Christ.  I have some other friends, a man and a woman, who were once in same-sex marriages, but who are now married and sealed to each other as husband and wife.  Furthermore, he also baptized his former husband.  A major factor behind these friends’ changes in their lives was that they had family members, church leaders and others who were there for them already and lovedthem no matter where they were on their journey.

Elder Quentin L. Cook has said,

“Let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion, and outreach. Let’s not have families exclude or be disrespectful of those who choose a different lifestyle as a result of their feelings about their own gender.”

…and I’ll add...as a result of many other possible circumstances.

I am incredibly grateful for my family.  I think this has been a journey for all of us.  There was never a time where I had to “come out” to my parents.  This was something we learned about together.  I have the assurance that their love for me is not dependent on where I am in my faith journey.  This has allowed me to develop more of a personal relationship with Christ and learn more about my covenants with Him, without the fear of family rejection.

The second greatest commandment says, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”  Often this is used in reference to loving others, but I frequently forget the part that says “as thyself.”  We need to love ourselves.  I believe that when we remember how precious we are to our Heavenly Parents, and as we love and respect ourselves, loving others in holy ways almost comes naturally.

Latter-day Pioneers - New Trails

Today marks the end of another weekend of Pioneer Day concerts with the Tabernacle Choir and the Orchestra at Temple Square.  This year, we had our very dear friend, Sissel, join us as our guest artist.  I was serving the Family and Church History mission at the time she came to perform at the Christmas concerts in 2006, before auditioning for the Choir was even on my radar.  The following year, I fell in love with the album as it was released.  She not only has the voice of an angel; she is an angel and carries a special spirit with her when she performs.

Typically, our summer concerts contain a few pioneer songs followed by a main program consisting usually of show tunes and other fun pieces reminiscent of the summer season.  However, this one stayed focused on the Pioneer spirit and on the goodness and grace of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  The messages of the songs and the spoken narration touched my heart in many ways.

While he was introducing the program, Lloyd Newel talked about the Pioneers, the persecution they faced, and their trek west to a new home in the Salt Lake valley.  Sissel talked about the prayers of the pioneers and the tribulation they went through.  She sang a beautiful and very well-received piece, "Slow Down," all about listening to the "still, small voice" that speaks to our hearts.  She also talked about pioneers who yearn for freedom, a new start and the chance to create something new.

In my social circles, it's common to hear about LGBT pioneers.  If you're rolling your eyes, don't worry.  I am too.  It's OK.  I get sick of some of the same old narrative.  Actually, at times I'm quite bitter with some voices out there.  I'll just be honest and put that out there.  However, I think it's a given to say that LGBT people, along with many others who are "different" have experienced hardship and mockery from multiple angles, similar to that of early Latter-day Saints.  I haven't experienced as much grief as others.  I started learning about myself at about the same time the Church started publishing more material on same-sex attraction.  Most of my negativity came from my own internalized messages.

At this weekend's concerts, some of the words spoken and lyrics sung had a direct relation to my experience.  I've felt a yearning to break free from many expectations, stereotypes, the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts."  This applies to aspects of Christian culture as well as what now feels like "the LGBT script."  Either way, it means leaning less on the arm of flesh and more on God and my own heart.  Latter-day Saints and other Christians who are gay have an opportunity to press forward and create something new, especially within the context of sacred covenants.  It's an opportunity to forge new trails and build unique communities.  I don't quite know what that looks like.  Part of it, for me, includes a freedom of self-expression.

It's common to hear "don't act on it," in regards to same-sex attraction...kind of a black and white thing to say.  On the flip side, the black and white bleeds over into LGBT culture ("The Church won't let you love...won't let you be yourself...").  I've recently been made aware of the many ways I do act on or otherwise express my sexuality.  Exercising and taking care of my body can be an expression of my sexuality.  Spending time and exchanging affection with my friends can be an expression of my sexuality.  I haven't had a big eye for fashion, but a couple of friends recently took me shopping for fancy clothes for an upcoming event.  I realized I had been living under this rock of "conservative dress" standards and that yes, it's ok to spice things up a bit and feel sexy!  That can be an expression of my sexuality.

One of our final songs was "Hymn to Freedom..."

When every hand joins every hand, and together joins our destiny
That's when we'll be free.

When we sang that song, I didn't think of the "freedom to marry" or "sexual freedom," but the freedom to be myself, to discover more of what makes me tick, the freedom to express myself, and the freedom to...quite literally...hold hands.

"Gay Equality" and the Church

This topic frustrates me, probably like it does others, only from varying angles.  I want to say something like, "What the world doesn't want you to know...," or "What I have to say is unpopular."  It seems in society we have to be part of some minority or be "unpopular" in order to have a something valid to say.  But I understand this is a touchy subject and that there are several understandable and valid perspectives out there.

This is mine.

I feel like I'm in some sort of minority, but I don't know if that's true.  Perhaps it depends on what social circles we're talking about.

Thing is...in many ways, I'm already an equal in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

-First off, and most importantly I'm already in equal in that I'm a son of God.  I'm His child just like anyone else.  Something I like is thinking "I am..." and letting the silence speak for itself.  Underneath all labels, everything associated with this mortal existence, I am...

-I have equal access to all the blessings of the gospel.  If it's true that in eternity, every blessing will be mine, then there it is.  I don't understand how it will all work out.  If I don't have a wife and children in the eternities, I'm sure the Celestial Kingdom will have an *equal* amount of blessings for me.  Whatever those are.

-No one has ever denied me the right to marry, save for being underage.  I've had equal access to the rights and blessings of marriage.  We could talk about gender, but the way this has been portrayed in some narratives...I've been denied the right to marry...like...at all.  But that's not true.  Whether it would be good for me or advisable is an entirely different story.  I've had equal access to marriage.

-I bear the Priesthood and can go forward just like any man or woman who is endowed with priesthood power.

-I can serve in the temple...I can even take part in temple sealings!  I've even been to the temple with gay friends.  Heck, I've even been applauded by a wedding entourage as I exited the Bountiful Temple one time.

-I can serve in a wide variety of church callings...some of them not, but because I am single, not because I am gay.  There are some specific callings that do require a married man or a married couple.  If you ask me...I can't say I even desire those callings.  However, I do know many a gay person who have served in leadership callings throughout the Church.

-When it comes to relationships, literally no one has ever said I can't love a man...it's been some others in the gay community who have told me that I can't "love a man" in my church.  In a world where "love is love," I'm free to love in many beautiful ways...some of which I've yet to explore.  Yes, love is love, but is love always sex and marriage?

-In a world where same-sex marriage is legal, it would be nice to have some sort of equivalent for people who believe in marriage as outlined in the Family Proclamation.  As I've mentioned in other posts, I've loved learning about the idea of wedded brotherhood and promise-bound friendships.  I get the argument about legal protections, and who knows?  Maybe if our leaders can see enough couples being chaste together they'll be ok with time-only marriages for legal reasons.  But...does it have to be marriage?  Do we have to get married in order to see ourselves as equal?

I understand that in Utah and some other states, they gave up on civil unions/domestic partnerships because same-sex marriage was legalized.  Did those who pushed for gay marriage believe they were helping all gay people, or all gay people who wanted to be partnered?  Are there going to be any allies advocating for changes in culture...to allow for friendship and brotherhood to be rekindled in religious traditions?  Or is it just going to continue to be a push for marriage to be redefined?  Some have used the argument of "separate but equal."  Well...that's what I want.  I might want my relationships to be equal in value and importance as that of marriage, but it's not marriage.  It's something different.  I want it to be that way.

-I believe that...aside from the cultural baggage, we could be really close to realizing same-sex relationships, partnerships, friendships...whatever you want to call...as valuable and worth celebrating, even within the context of man-woman marriage and the law of chastity.

Are there things that can improve for gay people in the Church all around?  Of course.  Are there cultural hurdles to get over?  Definitely.  I just like pointing out all the good things that are happening.

So anyway.  I just wanted to share some of my thoughts on this.  It's fairly common for me to come across posts from people who are waiting for "gay equality" in the Church.  There's a lot I don't know.  I'm becoming increasingly open to uncertainty.  But for me, "equality" is already here.  I'm not defined by my sexuality nor my relationship status.  Those things are pretty powerful and important in ones life, but I'm already equal because I am a loved son of God, serving in His kingdom and trying to serve and love those around me.

Will I be "Straight" in the Next Life?

Some church leaders have stated that same-sex attraction did not exist in the pre-mortal world and that it won't exist in the eternities.  I mean it makes sense to believe this.  Since our society is basically built upon men and women having sex and growing and replenishing the earth, same-sex attraction can only be a mortal condition, something that is a result of living in a Fallen world, right?  

However, I believe that this view is overly focused on sexual attraction.  I'm not sure if church leaders and others are considering the other aspects of attraction, connection and intimacy when they say such things.  I have no idea what sexual attraction will be like in the eternities.  I don't know if it will even exist.

I could log on to the Church's website and find several talks where it is stated that blessings not realized in this life will be realized in the next life.  This is most commonly used when it comes to getting married, having children, or perhaps having a fully-functioning body.  I still believe this.  If it's in God's plan for me to have a wife and kids...or even if it's not, I'm sure a Celestial glory is far more beautiful than I can comprehend.

But I don't equate that with being "straight."

See, there are plenty of characteristics and blessings that come along with being gay.  The list is long; some of it including being sensitive, feminine, masculine, artistic, an eye for beauty and design, ability to admire and form connections and intimacy with other men...several attributes that would lend to being a great husband and father.  Some people try to separate sexual attractions from these other attributes as if they're mutually exclusive.  Yet I doubt I would have all these other qualities without the sexual attractions.  It's all part of the package (pun partially intended...if you get gay jokes).

Some might refer to Ether 12:27: ...for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them...like...as if same-sex attraction, at its core is a weakness that will eventually become a strength.  Lust, pornography & masturbation can be weaknesses; so can eating problems, pride, envy and a whole host of other issues.  For me, same-sex attraction is a state of being.  It's not a weakness to be compared to alcoholism or even sex addiction; it's a strength that has been waiting to be uncovered.  Or if you rather...it's been a vehicle for me to learn what my strengths are.  

It's strange.  It's complicated, and it's understandable that there are a variety of philosophies on this.

But really...who knows for sure?  I don't.

I just know that there's plenty about being gay that I hope to take with me into the next life.  Even if I do have a wife and kids, I certainly hope to have deep, connected relationships with my brothers.  This is why I believe "same-sex attraction" could very well be a part of my eternal identity.  We might not hear such things over the pulpit or taught in standard church materials.  I don't think we need to be told, but part of the reason we don't hear it might be because our society is so dang focused on SEX!  And our world perpetuates that focus.  Just by claiming that being gay is part of my eternal identity, some might picture me with a husband.  That's not what I'm getting at.  A partner who remains a friend in the eternal scheme? Quite possibly.

As I said, I have no idea how sexuality works in the eternities.  But here and now, my attractions...yes, including sexual attractions...do contribute to the emotional energy needed to do things I enjoy, like exercising, taking care of myself, building relationships, relating to God, and everything else that makes up this human experience.

My Other Brothers

It's getting to be a very awkward position to be in...the experience of being gay and at the same time affirming a traditional view of marriage and sexuality. I've noticed that things in the LDS LGBT world can be very polarizing and hurtful, with a lot of drama over same-sex marriage, the law of chastity, liking Pride and not liking Pride, conversion therapy, waiting for the Church to receive "the Revelation" that gays can get married...oh excuse me...to each other...excuse me again...to a member of the same sex (I mean...no one has ever barred me from the blessings of marriage...no one...I could marry a gay woman too...gays getting married in the temple...), etc.  Since sexuality, although not *who* we are, seems to be near the *core* of our existence, it's understandable why there can be frequent clashing.

However, I felt like I had a break from all of that as I attended the second annual retreat with Your Other Brothers (YOB).  It's a group of Christian men, from a variety of denominations, who experience same-sex attraction.  We are a community of brothers supporting each other in honoring and living in a manner that respects the traditional view of marriage and sexuality.  That is, we respect marriage to be between a man and a woman and that sexual relations are to be kept within that union.  I feel like many in our world view that as an intense restriction, yet I'm gradually learning about the freedom that comes along with keeping covenants with God, however imperfect we may be at it.  This doesn't rule out the potential of being tempted or making mistakes.  But that's why we're here.

These brothers have differing views on terminology, and understandably so.  But there was a unity and understanding as we explained what we meant.  It was beautiful.

Several of these men are married to women and have children.  Others are carving out a joyful life singly and lending their time and talents to their faith groups and developing friendships.  I had a good conversation with one brother about the possibilities of celibate partnership.  I also learned of a group of brothers (gay and straight) buying a piece of land together and living in Christian community.  God's law is not a cage.  It seems to me like striving to be chaste opens up so many more ways of living and loving; ways that aren't (quite yet) talked about in church.

Since we have understandable (although small) differences in our theology, I felt more comfortable sharing what I believe.  I felt like I could share my testimony of what Latter-day Saints view as the Family Proclamation, AND testify of how I felt my own attractions can still fit in with that context.  I felt like I could do this without having to walk on eggshells trigger someone.

During this retreat, we had five breakout groups, each named after the core values of YOB: Hope, Humility, Brotherhood, Courage and Vulnerability.  I was in Vulnerability, symbolized by the feather on the stone pictured here.

Probably my favorite moment of the weekend was sitting in a circle with our small groups for testimony sharing.  These brave men shared about their varied experiences as gay Christians.  They also shared how they have been touched by the Savior and His Atonement.  I have a ton of respect for these brothers.  Being from Utah, I tend to hear a lot about my church being among the most "anti-gay," yet many of these brothers have been through much more than I have or what I have seen in my faith community.

We find ourselves in a unique position.  At least this is something I feel.  I've often said that I feel more at home in my faith community than in the LGBT community.  My beliefs do align more with my church, but I still have a need to love and be close to men.  In many ways, we understand the experience of dealing with same-sex attraction, and we also understand Christian doctrine.  I know I struggle building bridges directly with the LGBT community, but perhaps just by being a little more vulnerable and real at church, I can be a bridge so hearts will be softened and greater understanding will come.

I'm not in a position to change doctrine.  I don't even want it at this point.  I don't want to be lumped in with that mindset.  Many gay people, even some in same-sex relationships, do believe in and affirm a traditional Christian teaching on marriage.  I've also been in a process of separating myself from the "identities" around being gay.  But if describing myself as "gay" will bring teaching opportunities...opportunities to teach about my religion...or opportunities to teach my religion about this experience...I will gladly do so.

I have found that I need my community.  I need my community of brothers and sisters dealing with similar circumstances, but free from challenges to our core doctrines and beliefs.  When I get that cup filled, I'm better able to relate with and love those who choose differently.

It's often said that "love is love."  I feel like I live in a world where that is twisted to mean "love = sex and marriage," (yes, even in conservative Christian churches).  I am more than willing the celebrate the love that can exist in a same-sex relationship or marriage, even if I disagree on how it is expressed.  Yet there is more love out there to be had.  I am grateful to have found this community of brothers, who are on the cutting edge of discovering what love can be.  As I often say, God didn't create me to have sex with men, He created me to love them in deep and passionate ways.  I don't always know what that looks like, but I'm willing to keep on exploring.