The Other Side of the Rainbow

 I'm part of a message group of gay men closely involved with and active in the Church (mostly for game nights and "Come, Follow Me" get togethers).  Last weekend someone sent us all a picture of BYU's "Y" formation on a Provo mountain...and it was adorned with rainbow lights as a shoutout to the LGBTQ+ community (except I still restrict myself to LGBT...the conservative that I am).  At first I thought, "So BYU is willing to don rainbows but won't let men hold hands with each other or develop close, committed friendships?  Something feels backward about that."  I soon found out that BYU did not authorize the lighting of the Y.  Contrary to what many people felt...I felt somewhat relieved.

I reactivated my social media for a minute because sometimes I can't resist (my social media issues are a whole other story).  I saw people sharing it, feeling like they're supporting the LGBT community and thinking it's all amazing (not to take away from their excitement...I just feel like their excitement and drama is more mainstream than otherwise).  Then when BYU announced that they didn't authorize it, it returned to the belief that BYU, and the Church at large "hates" the LGBT community and there's no space for them.  I did another facepalm.

When I say, "the other side of the rainbow," I'm not only referring those "evil straight people" who have gut reactions when they see the rainbow in reference to the LGBT community.  I mean to include gay people as well.  The only explanation the woke mob has for our resistance is that we're homophobic and that those of us who are gay have internalized homophobia.  But that's not it.

Amidst my swirling thoughts I often wondered, "What about those BYU students who are gay...but who don't feel represented by the rainbow?  What about those who are aching to share their positive experiences at BYU even as a gay person?"

It's possible that the connotations of the LGBT rainbow are changing.  Heck, I've used them for my own purposes, whether it's to combine my (former) support of Trump, gay conservatives, or personalizing it in a special way.  Many might tell me that was the original intent of the rainbow, but I disagree.  Often when I see it used in a broad way, it signals to me the approval of gay sex and marriage with little regard to "Side B" gay folks (those who believe in a traditional sexual ethic).  I remember walking hand-in-hand with my guy friends either in New York or in Las Vegas with rainbows flying from various buildings.  I feel some sense of excitement, mostly because I'm able to express myself with a friend...but I'm not aware if these institutions give a crap about gay people with traditional views of marriage and sex, or have any respect for our virtue.  Some might say the rainbow is all encompassing..."be yourself!", but I know gay people who reject it because it feels like a promotion of specific ideologies.  

It just reminds me of people building a bridge over the top of people like me to "show love and support to the LGBT community" and appear inclusive.

I realize I might have my own bitterness and jealousy to deal with.  I want to play an influential role with my unique voice in the Church's views on this topic, but I also want to remain "safe" and in the shadows.  But this is all just how I feel about stuff right NOW (or as of the date of writing this).

Sometimes I think, "If the Church is becoming more willing to willing to throw the LGBT rainbow symbol up on some books, surely it means the Church itself is OK with men holding hands and being affectionate at Church.  Perhaps it means that celibate partnerships are blessed after all, because the rainbow, for me, denotes a couple steps further than what I imagine living a gay life in the Church to be like."

There's also a feeling of being gaslighted.  "I don't automatically feel a bunch of warm fuzzies when I see a rainbow symbol.  What's WRONG with me???"

I will say though, I have been able to have some decent conversations with a few folks.  There can be a lot of understanding each party knows they are seen and heard.  I was asked the question: "What does represent you?"  And that's a good, fair questions!  Aside from Christ (with a normal robe, not a rainbow one) and the temple, I thought of the plain depiction of two men holding hands, perhaps even without any sort of "gay" connotations.  Or men holding each other in a deep embrace.  Those represent me and my values.