Abnormalizing Discomfort

 Did you know that if you feel uncomfortable with the White House being adorned in rainbow colors during Pride month, it means you’re homophobic? Sure, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. We all have biases to work on, but of course the only valid explanation is homophobia. That’s all there is. No other explanation or conversation is allowed. 

From early on, I’ve noticed a certain weaponization, demonization, or simply assumptions made about uncomfortable feelings. Feel off about rainbows? It means you’re homophobic. Get annoyed with signs saying “Black Lives Matter?” Disagree with any of it’s principles or believe that the saying itself is something that’s already true? Well that’s your internalized white supremacy and anti-blackness. Feel slighted when womens’ inequality comes up? Well that’s your patriarchal misogyny speaking. 

I daresay I’ve fallen for the narrative and engaged in a bunch of mental gymnastics to avoid these categories that I certainly don’t feel describe me. I’ve spent time and energy judging myself, hating myself and wondering what’s wrong with me. 

I believe this is a tactic to try and fast track social justice movements and accomplish agendas that tout equity, diversity and inclusion. Of course, I’m not saying that diversity doesn’t already exist, isn’t important or that it’s not a natural, beautiful part of our world. I do think the word “equity” is something people fall for and confuse for “equality” or “equal opportunity.” 

People can be “uncomfortable” for a variety of reasons…even good reasons. Perhaps it’s something new to learn from that feels “right” but requires a bit of growth. Maybe it’s something that just doesn’t feel right, but you just have to endure and allow another person to hold their views while you still have yours. It could be something revealing about yourself that is true. It could be something that just feels outright false, manipulative, and just not how the world works. And silence does not mean complicity or violence, agreement or disagreement. It just means choosing not to engage. 

Perhaps something just feels off spiritually or it doesn’t follow God’s overall view of us being His individual children. The wrapping up of discomfort as some sort of proof of being at fault or complicit in an oppressive system, to me, seems like an attempt to circumvent the Holy Ghost or what others may call a “gut feeling.” Even conversation and dialogue feels demonized. 

It might be some of my obsessiveness, and especially surrounding social justice and politics, but this has led me to avoid disagreement or be distant from others or even feel threatened by those who might disagree with me on something political or social justice-y. Even now, the social justice mob in my head accuses me: “It means you’re wrong!” “It means you’re homophobic!” “It means you’re racist!” 

This is a disaster, not only for someone who experiences scrupulosity and perfectionism, but I believe some of these narratives intend to cause this confusion and subversion of our individuality. 

Just this morning I had a thought about a family, or perhaps a married heterosexual couple, living next to a gay couple and enjoying each other as friends and neighbors. Perhaps the gay couple hangs a rainbow flag and the other family feels uneasy about it (or the roles could be reversed, really…straight “allies” donning their rainbow flag). I think the fact they they get along and love each other outside of the rainbow virtue signaling should matter…perhaps a lot more than the symbols themselves. (“But Alex that’s what the rainbow represents!!!” No. Stop it.)

I recently had someone propose that perhaps I can view the rainbow the same way I used to view “gay,” or for others, “queer.” But it’s not that simple for me. Perhaps it’s the desire to be “different,” which is always touted by the Left and social justice identity politics…except I view Pride and rainbows as “the status quo” now. I view it as the world, and I figured gay people of faith could be affirmed in ways “not of this world” or “set a part” from rainbows and Pride. 

I wish to return to a time when discomfort was just that, and people could determine for themselves what it means. I know some might say that social justice narratives are not responsible for creating this fiasco. And yet when “discomfort” so often equated with all the -ists and -phobias that most people at their heart of hearts don’t want to be…it’s hard to not believe that there’s some mental and social contagion trying to take place. 

So yes, just recently I saw some stereotypically gay dudes and I had a twinge of an uncomfortable feeling. But instead of stewing about it and labeling it all as homophobia, I chose to move on to something else. I have enough of myself to figure out. And there’s still a way to get past the unknown, confusing feelings and back to seeing individuals as children of God…and turning things out of our control over to Him. 

"I Know that God Loveth His Children..."

 "I know that [God] loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things... (1 Nephi 11:17)" neither do I believe in or trust every ideology that carries this slogan.

And I don't know everything.  There is uncertainty, but expressing, "I don't know" is not always an invitation to be lectured to or educated by someone who "does know."  On many things, I need to search and ponder on my own.  With boundaries and retention of my own humanity, I can hear and entertain perspectives.  I can hear and learn about theories, but I cannot subscribe to them, make oaths and promises and perform specific tasks when I do not feel they are genuine, especially when based on my skin color, gender or sexual orientation.

The difficult thing is that yes, there might be nuggets of truth in various ideologies in this world and in this cultural moment.  That doesn't mean I need to adopt the entire worldview as "the way."  In fact, we hear a lot about the "philosophies of men mingled with scripture."  Not to say that all ideas outside of official Latter-day Saint teachings are "bad."  It just speaks to the tactics of the adversary and the great need for discernment and something the prophet has said that "in coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting, and constant influence of the Holy Ghost."

An example that I've come across recently is using the prophet's counsel to "lead out in abandoning attitudes and actions of prejudice" (October 2020) to put forth a very specific form of anti-racist ideology.  If people do not obey, then they are not obeying the prophet and are (like Robin Di'Angelo would say) complicit in and upholding a system of white supremacy and are worthy of being chastised.  Just because there are such things as liberation theology, women's studies, queer studies, white studies, it doesn't mean that's the way the world actually works or that God communicates to everyone through those lenses.  Also, I do not know the Church's stance on various racial ideologies or if I need to be racialized in order to be "part of the solution."  Personally, I've been following Dr. Sheena Mason's "Theory of Racelessness."

Something that bothers me personally is equating or comingling rainbow symbols and gay Pride with scripture, "mourning with those who mourn" or simply "showing love."  I am concerned that it's becoming the neutral lens through which all things LGBT-related get filtered.  And if anyone falls out of line or does not agree, we're "part of the problem" or on "the wrong side of history."  I will admit that I've sometimes used the rainbow when it's paired with something (usually politically conservative) that I actually agree with.  This is because I view the rainbow as a tribal, leftist, virtue signaling symbol.  

President Nelson's counsel about prejudice was also shared all over the place in response to Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk in August of 2021 at Brigham Young University, reaffirming the doctrine of marriage and the law of chastity and trying to redirect teaching to be in harmony with gospel doctrine.  It was depicted by many as hateful, bigoted and homophobic.  Elder Holland made an analogy of "musket fire" when it came to sustaining and defending gospel truths.  He mentioned that there's been some unfortunate "friendly fire" toward Latter-day Saints from other Latter-day Saints regarding very fundamental and sacred doctrines.  I daresay that I've been on the receiving end of some of the "friendly fire" he mentioned...and I'm gay.  There are a host of cultural things we could discuss.  I'd want to encourage same-sex (especially among men) physical affection and developing chaste relationships, basically exploring same-sex love within the bounds the Lord has set, but sadly it's fraught, yes, with potential human temptation, but also public image and media spin.  But all that doesn't change that I understood what Elder Holland was trying to convey.  To say that I personally would have worded some things differently doesn't change the spirit of truth that I felt.

I recently listened to the story of someone I know who is non-binary.  I believe this person about their own story and experiences.  I resonated deeply with the uncertainty and praying to Heavenly Father for guidance.  I resonated deeply with receiving answers that I was not expecting.  This doesn't mean that I'm on board with gender ideology; the belief that gender is just a made-up social construct and that gender is simply "assigned" based on social expectations.  I choose not to list my pronouns.  I was not "assigned" male at birth.  My gender was observed.  Imposing something else on me is a breach of my boundaries.  I used to be somewhat of a trans advocate, but I've scaled back with the departure from biological reality, challenging separate male and female spaces, and bringing LGBT ideas to young children in school.

I follow a lesbian couple that once made commentary on their Instagram account that the nuclear family is still a beautiful, honorable and essential ideal in society.  They have something different (and we obviously have differing views on morality), and that's ok from a classically liberal perspective.  People can be different.  I can be different.  People can have a unique struggle or experience with gender, but it doesn't change the essential, mortal and eternal nature of gender, male and female.  I can exist and navigate relationships outside of marriage, but it doesn't mean "heteronormativity" can't still be a norm and something that has been a fundamental unit in society for many centuries (and a factor in eternal progression, but that's way above and beyond me).  Some say that today's advocacy is just for the "exceptions" and that no one is trying to destroy the mold.  I disagree.

Since I'm one who has been sort of a natural peacemaker and empath, one might think that social justice ideologies would be compatible with my being.  It's all about "love and inclusion" right?  Instead, I feel abused and manipulated and I've been working to recover.  What's more is that most of the things I think and feel are termed "fragility" and "typical of people with privilege."  It's a dangerous recipe for someone like me.  It's not genuine.  An ironic thing about "be yourself" and "you do you," in an effort to break away from puritanical culture, is that some of those who have promoted those principles have adopted another set of beliefs and rules by which to judge everyone.

It was brought to my attention that when there are disagreements, we can usually find bigger pictures to agree upon.  "I know that God loveth His children..." can guide how I interact with individuals, and not usually collectives.  That I can manage and strive to do every day.

Centering and De-Centering

 I recently saw yet another “social justice” phrase that jarred me. It’s something I’ve seen before. Yet I’m disheartened and nervous to see it closer to home. 

It’s the concept of “centering marginalized voices.” I know the framework it comes from. It assumes that white, heterosexual men are the center of society. They didn’t choose it, but they’re “centered,” and therefore must “decenter” themselves. 

It’s part of an ideology. It’s not the incontrovertible truth. Ideally everyone should be at the “center” of their own lives. 

“We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men (and women) are created equal.” Regardless of what this phrase might have  used to mean, “self-evident” tells me it’s something that comes from God, and not other people. By nature and through a plethora of frameworks and belief systems, we help each other on the path and treat people with respect and as individuals. But “self-evident,” tells me that I don’t need to be “less” of anything or “de-center” myself in order for someone else to be valid and “equal.” 

Speaking of “marginalized,” I don’t count. They want representation. I’m a gay dude, yet I’m not lauded. I’m not held up as a heroic figure. I thought being gay was the only qualification, being a special “marginalized” identity. They keep harping on about identity markers and I’m RIGHT HERE! But I also understand that I don’t have the right politics. I’m not the right kind of activist. I don’t have the correct “gay” views of the Church, its leaders, its members and its core doctrines about marriage, sexual morality and family. 

I don’t feel marginalized in the Church. I feel marginalized in the LGBT community. I feel marginalized in this world. But if I don’t feel marginalized, then of course that must mean that I’m part of the “majority” that needs to yield their invisible microphone, right??? 

It’s not like I never experience jealousy or anger (good heavens, that’s something that rages in me when I least expect it or want it) that I don’t have the platform I perceive some others do. I could raise my voice. I could write a book or put myself more out there. But I also need to be true to myself as well. I don’t feel like it’s right for me to do it merely out of competition or jealousy. Those who seemingly have the microphone don’t represent me. I have some ideas that I feel are different, yet not representative of “the LGBT community” as a whole. 

So yeah. I don’t resonate with the “marginalized” vs “majority” narrative. And when it comes to empathy, I don’t believe it’s strictly a “majority” responsibility. And it’s also something I’m going to have to rely on God for. It’s not going to happen based on what society expects of me. 

Diversity of Thought During Pride Month (Part 2)

 (1) I support the right for my neighbors to wave the Pride flag. Just as I want to be able to express (somewhere) the conflict and/or awkward feelings whenever I see one (no, I don’t view this as a “normal” disagreement. I’m gay. I’m supposed to automatically feel completely soothed by the Pride flag, right?)

(2)I don’t really want Pride to disappear. I just want it generally understood that some of us exist outside of it but want an equal voice. 

(3) I hated hearing about some people (of course, not through my news feed) burning a Pride flag. It actually offended me in that I thought it was disrespectful and despicable Granted, two gay public figures I follow joked about doing it, but that’s different.

And yet…

I’m kind of concerned and worried that Pride, rainbows, “ally” and other terminology and ideologies I’ve been concerned about are being seen more as neutral, as “the way.”  I’m concerned and feel that it’s like the primary lens through which people view LGBT issues. It’s concerning because yes; although I could just stay out of it, I get represented in ways I do not agree with. So I feel the need to speak up. And even when I do agree, I still want my own voice. 

It’s like the rainbow “should represent me” even though I don’t authentically feel that way. I think It’s divisive and virtue-signaling (the term meaning “I’m more loving and accepting that you are”). One thing about North Star was that it was like something different from all that. It’s probably why some gay Latter-day Saints were actually thankful that Elder Holland spoke up about it and encouraged a change of course at BYU. I too feel like they (rainbow symbols and such) can be more divisive than unifying. There can be understanding, compassion, even relationships and connection outside of the whole Pride (especially modern-day) umbrella. And something big can be said for gay couples who are kind of moving on from Pride and being “normal” (cause who is really “normal”?) members of society. I find that to be something rather “progressive.” 

“Love is love,” or “Love wins,” with a rainbow symbol…reminds me of how some have taken words or phrases that hardly anyone would disagree with and made them to be more narrow to fit a specific agenda. Or that such concepts are radically opposed to or different than or better than from the kind of love we hear talked about at General Conference, the temple or other church meetings. Or that you cannot be considered a covenant keeping loving person unless you adopt specific ways of viewing LGBT issues. 

Was *love* supposed to lead everyone to the same conclusion about same-sex marriage? Was *love* supposed to give everyone the same feelings about Pride? And no. I’m not part of the “straight majority,” but a lot of my own experiences, ideas and perspectives have come about independent of Pride, or at least modern-day Pride. I’m “something else.” The idea for the potential of celibate partnership and my discovery of spiritual friendship concept came by inspiration and divine intervention and people I consider to be my own “pioneers”. I am reluctant to credit that to Pride or acknowledge that it’s somehow part of Pride. I know people want to give me platitudes of “everyone belongs,” or “that’s what Pride is all about!” Or “it all automatically includes you!” No. I need “sides.” That’s how I know where I belong. Without it I don’t know where I belong. I’m like Preston in a recent “Sit Down with Sky” podcast. I get confused. I’m used to a place where covenant-keeping is kind of held up as the “neutral ground” (and I mean to include people who might not be there at the moment and are pointed toward Christ AND who don’t cause conflict for those of us who are trying to be on that path). I guess I spiritually feel like I belong in the Church in general, but don’t really know how to find other like-minded gay people with whom to form friendships and/or potential companionship (that’s all a work in process). 

Some might say, “But you have to acknowledge the history of Pride.” Yeah…I know. But it’s becoming compelled speech. It’s like asking me to go back and live in that decade and perpetuate the stereotypes and divisions of that era. At some point history needs to speak for itself. At some point people are just people again. 

I feel like I’m one bringing the “nuance,” because I perceive Pride and rainbows and gay sex and marriage to be the new norm. And yet I know others probably think I’m promoting some sort of hate or upholding  a harmful status quo and they have the “nuanced opinion.” We’re so polarized and this is where we are. You get triggered. I get triggered. We all get triggered. Some of us live in a world of homophobia and hatred of gay people. Some of us live in a world full of rainbows and all-out acceptance and support of same-sex relationships and such (and gay people who want to offer their perspectives on actual covenant keeping are just kind of ignored or at least it feels that way). 

So I don’t know how to force myself or manipulate my inner workings to see rainbow Pride differently (and that feels like the expectation). I hear what other people feel and think, but is that supposed to change how I feel? And I generally think, “Well yeah…rainbows show me there’s lots and lots and lots and lots of support for gay people, and mostly for same-sex marriage and sexual relations…corporate America and the law is on your side. Some of us have to go it alone or with less visibility.

So I don’t know where I belong anymore. I always thought I was somewhere in the middle, but now I don’t know where “the middle” is anymore. I don’t know if I have to accept rainbow Pride as my lord and savior in order to be a “good person.” I figured it wouldn’t be a big issue if there’s a place specifically for covenant-keeping, partner-seeking, mixed orientation marriage-accepting, humble-parade groups or whatever. 

So this is my contribution to Pride month as a gay voice. “Be yourself” right? I’m not interested in any corrections to how I view this. I’ve already tried lecturing myself and calling myself a bigot and telling myself to catch up to the times. Just sharing only. 

Diversity of Thought During Pride Month

It's been a rough start to Pride Month, the month where I'm supposed to feel all celebratory about my sexuality and who I am.  But it's always rather conflicting, awkward, confusing, and it's perfect grounds for mental battles.  It's another attempt at trying to twist myself into knots for what other people, groups or ideologies think I should do, be, think, feel.  

I try to just stay out of it, but I can't.  I don't want to be silent either.

I'd like to think that my story, my voice and my perspectives exist outside of and independent of Pride.  As I look back, I can see how very little Pride has been involved in my journey.  Sure...I can understand and acknowledge certain historical events that led to my starting point within the Church and in society.  But I give most of the credit to Jesus Christ and His gospel, to church leaders, to patient and loving family members, and friends I have made along the way.  One of the first things that I felt "affirmed" by was the Church's now outdated pamphlet, God Loveth His Children.

And honestly, some ideas (such as celibate companionship) have come to me in a personal way.  I don't not credit Pride, Inc. for that.  I credit the Holy Ghost and I credit those who have resonated with me in deep ways.  And when I do feel pressure to acknowledge the history of Pride, it's just that...pressure.  It's compelled speech.  I can let history speak for itself and be thankful for the things I enjoy today.  And like with other social justice movements clamoring for me to "acknowledge" past wrongs...it's almost like I'm being asked to keeping living in those decades.  It's almost as if something about Pride thrives on conflict and division and remaining in an oppressed, victimhood state.  Hmmm...

Some people might say there need not be a distinction between Pride and things relating to the gospel.  I am not in agreement, and I can't force myself to agree (I've tried).  When I first started looking for support, I knew very quickly what would not work for me.  I remember stumbling on a website for "LGBT Mormons" with a rainbow Angel Moroni and advocacy for same-sex marriage.  I've always associated the rainbow and Pride with those themes and I always had an interest in being different and apart from that.  Pride was always "the world," and I figured there could be something else for "covenant keeping queers" or gay people who simply didn't feel like Pride was for them but wanted an equal voice in the public square.

I am seeing an increase of Pride and rainbows amongst fellow members of the Church and in spaces where I used to be able to go to get away from such things.  I don't have any controllable judgment towards them other than what I feel.  I reel at the political and (moreover) moral neutrality Pride has become.  It's becoming the "neutral zone" and a bigger and bigger umbrella, and it's not sitting well with me.  I will admit, though, that I've often used the rainbow in conjunction with something I perceive to be antithetical to the LGBT community as a whole...like a rainbow with President Trump or a politically conservative message.  I'm a rebel that way I guess.

Some people decry the "us and them" characterizations and desire a large umbrella where all can thrive and just "love one another."  But that just feels watered down to me.  When it comes to support, I feel like I need a distinction.  I need to know where I can call home and where I belong.  I want support specifically for living my covenants, finding love within that framework, and hearing perspectives that lend towards that ideal.  I know plenty of people who aren't on the "covenant path" but who are positioned towards Christ and are understanding of the gospel and how many of us are trying to live.  

When I hear about "all-inclusive" spaces for LGBT people (and I don't know why people keep trying to imagine or create these kinds of things), I know and need to acknowledge that no, it will NOT be the same kind of support I'd find in a more church/gospel and covenant-keeping group.  I need that distinction and I feel like it's unfair to suggest that they should feel the same.  Such "all-inclusive" groups or events might be beneficial on some level, but I don't believe they should be pedaled as if everyone is going to feel supported in their own specialized desires or values. 

This is why I believe Elder Jeffrey R. Holland sought to make some corrections at Brigham Young University (linked here) regarding "recent flag-waving and parade holding" and the resulting confusion of concerned students and parents.  How was that taken?  Anti-gay, homophobic, bigoted, etc.  Pride has been equated with loving LGBT people and essentially being gay.  And here I know of gay people who wanted to either attend or return to BYU to get away from those influences.  Would they have to defend their beliefs at their own church's institutions?  I feel like I totally understand that concern of theirss

I'll make an aside here and say that there are things that I wish could be a thing that might still be seen as suspect.  Like at BYU for one...why not encourage same-sex friendships and connections?  Why not de-stigmatize same-sex physical affection when in some places of the world, men regularly hold hands with each other?  And I still see celibate partnership as something very different from marriage.  But like I view my own journey, I view those as separate from the Pride movement (End of my aside.)

I know there are those who want to water down Pride and make it "something for everyone."  I don't always know what to say to that or how to process it.  Sure, even I have sometimes enjoyed the festive atmosphere say...in New York City...during Pride Month when I was with a trusted friend who understood me.  But other times I just want Pride to stay in a specific lane.  I don't want it to be the mainstream lens through which all people work through these issues.  Just like my beef with critical social justice, I believe people can and should use a variety of philosophies, religious values and world views to address these topics.

I want to accentuate that it's possible to be gay, experience love, acceptance and self-acceptance and find peace and belonging outside of the umbrella of LGBT Pride.  I know gay couples, even some who are vocal and on conservative news outlets, who have moved on and pretty much transcended the need for Pride.  It seems like that's what the eventual goal should be...but then what would happen to those whose livelihoods depend on Pride and on-going conflict?  I don't know.  But surely Pride has become more than just about what it originally meant and I can definitely see why it can be divisive.

"If Pride isn't for you, then don't go or just ignore it."  

Well...that's near impossible now.  Whenever "support for the LGBT Community" is mentioned, I'm going to raise my voice and be an individual.  I'm not going to let myself be misrepresented.  Even on topics with which I agree...I still want to weigh in on my own nuanced perspectives.

From past experiences and conversations, I've known people who would say "But you're already included in Pride," or "Individuality is what Pride is all about!"  They're welcome to see it that way if that floats their boat. But they're not me.  They don't see what I see.  My individuality and sense of personhood comes from a variety of other sources.  I just keep thinking that if Pride...or more accurately...what it has become today...truly represented me, I would feel it automatically, without having to be "educated" about it.  I wouldn't feel tortured every time it rolls around, every time I get the emails at work, every time companies pander...nevertheless that torturous feeling lessens when I am able to talk to friends and my own personal "allies" (mostly scary conservatives) about my complicated views and perspectives about Pride.  And for that I am incredibly thankful.

Is That All You See?

 I write this as I am currently away from social media, so I have no idea who will see it.  I'm currently tossing my desires back and forth when it comes to sharing my perspectives and engaging on social media.  On one hand, I do think some more "conservative" or "orthodox" LGBT voices are needed.  On the other hand, social media is something that sucks me in, and I am questioning whether it is evolutionarily healthy for me.  There might be ways to moderate and tread lightly on social media consumption, but the day for that is not today.

However,...

I still have things to say!  Of course, my mind has been wrapped up in social justice and identity politics...probably to an unhealthy level.  This is part of the balancing act.  I heard some counsel at General Conference this past weekend (April, 2022) that revolved around lowering the conflict in my heart and heeding not what the world around me may say.  And the ideologies of critical social justice certainly increase that conflict and bring me into a state of anxiety, constantly being on edge with worry.  So...I feel like I need to back away, but I also want to share my thoughts...

OK, now to my thoughts...when someone says something is "predominantly white," like a certain performing group (wink), it stings a little, especially when it's said with a certain level of hostility...like it's a bad thing.  I feel like I can fathom the desire to "see yourself" in certain groups or in various leaderships of organizations.  I can't say I even disagree with that, but it's more the how.  I feel like I should have the right do disagree on the how and not be labeled a racist.  I believe very much in equality of opportunity and in merit.  Others believe more weight should be given to race, gender, or some sort of other social identity marker.  However, diversity that isn't forced...is still diversity!  I think "representation" can still be found in merit-based systems and when skills are placed a step or two ahead of social identity markers.  There are gay people, black people, women, men, white people, brown people, transgender people...who all have different ways of approaching this blessed diversity topic...including being selected because of one of those identities.

I appreciate the natural diversity of our world.  I've appreciated it in the movies.  What I struggle with is knowing selections were made to fill some diversity quota...and especially when they have to announce such things before a movie is released!  It's taken away from some of the creativity in the arts in my opinion.  Back to my opening thought about "predominantly white."  It makes me want to respond with, "Is that all you see?  What about the sound of the music being produced?  What about the stories and backgrounds of each individual in the performing group?  What about...yes...the natural diversity in the organization because each person did what was necessary and had the skills to do it?

This leads me to something similar on the gayer side of my life.  An article was recently put out by Public Square Magazine (you can read it here) that was like a huge breath of fresh air to me.  I sometimes feel like I'm being buried by gay Pride narratives and more progressive interpretations on what it all means to be gay or transgender.  I feel like this article is at least one out of many other more gay-affirming articles, podcasts and movements that actually represents me!  We need something!!!

Part of the article discusses the weaponization of stories.  It's not uncommon to hear concerns that stories like mine will be used against others: "They can do it.  Why can't you?"  Granted, I've never actually heard this from anyone besides other LGBT people, but I don't doubt that it happens.  On either side of that weaponization...that's usually the lens through which they see stories like mine and those of other LGBT people who are striving to keep covenants and support church doctrine.  My question is the same: "Is that all you see?  Is that all my story is good for?"

I want my story to be something more than doing the basics in the gospel (which are still fundamental and very important), but...as I've said for my entire blog...I want it to also spark some thoughts about how there might be purpose behind being LGBT within a traditional view on marriage and that of gender.  What unique gifts and opportunities are there?  Are there ways that I can love deeply and intimately that also honor the law of chastity and that of marriage between a man and a woman?  

While some might be giving power and weight to church leaders and narratives that confirm their oppression as LGBT people, I suppose I have been doing some of the same things.  I look for reasons why the "LGBT Community" or the modern-day Pride excludes people like me, and I look for ways that I am already included in the gospel of Jesus Christ and in His church.  Much of this has been subconscious.  But I hope for a resurgence of "all-in" LGBT voices that I feel actually represent me.  And yes, I also value the people I have found recently who are gay and might have different views than I do on marriage and sexual morality...but who are more politically conservative or down-the-middle liberal who understand and can see a variety of perspectives.

"Remember Pride Month, and Keep it Holy"

 Thanks to the Babylon Bee for the title idea...

If something truly represented "the LGBT community" (for example, a rainbow flag, Pride month/year), why would any LGBT people have to do any sort of mental gymnastics to actually feel represented by it?

This isn't a question to be answered here.  I don't need yet another lecture as to what Pride represents or reasons why my feelings shouldn't be what they are, or that all of it does represent me whether I feel it or not...etc.  Rather, it's the basis of my thoughts and perhaps part of why I feel conflicted with Pride flags and why I have to investigate further whenever something says "LGBT-friendly."  It's a question I ask myself every time I see a rainbow flag hung from businesses, from neighbors, etc. I defend their right, just as I reserve the right to have nuanced opinions about it.

In many circles, any sort of hesitation, critique, awkwardness or negative reaction to Pride and rainbows is "homophobia," "internalized homophobia and self-hatred" or somehow "aligning with the oppressor," especially if one has traditional views of marriage and family.  I've considered all those and have come to understand what "homophobia" looks like in my own life.  With the constant redefining of words, I am not of the belief that reducing "homophobia" is going to lead me to love Pride celebrations or change my views about the family unit (remember, I am one who believes that even if I have something with a man, I can still uphold traditional family values in general).

I came across a satirical post (that I loved) that had a fictitious commandment: "Remember Pride Month, and keep it holy."  I laughed and thought it was hilarious.  But seriously...isn't it true as well?  So often I feel like there are things I'm not supposed to say or think...like I'm denigrating something sacred if I have the wrong feelings or say something out of line.  Heaven forbid I combine a rainbow symbol with a conservative message?  It's like a religion unto itself.  I personally feel like there are many movements that may have started with legitimate intents that have grown into entirely new belief systems and sets of rules...and it has me concerned.

One could make some valid parallels to aspects of church culture...the ones that keep people caged and not feeling themselves.  We won't agree on what all those are, but I get it.  And yet not as many of these belief systems have priesthood authority or saving ordinances. 

I walked by two homes in a neighborhood.  One was donning a Pride flag.  The other donned a U.S. flag.  I knew these people and that I could probably have decent conversations with them (and even be open with my complicated views on Pride stuff), but at first glance, I felt more drawn to the home with a U.S. flag.  I thought I could be more "myself" there and connect in many ways.  For the other, I imagined walking on eggshells and monitoring my thoughts more closely.  "Self-censorship" sounds like and appropriate descriptor.  

I feel blessed to have found some more voices of LGBT people ranging from simply being open to differing opinions about Pride...or all the way to despising it (I have one follower who writes in all caps and uses lots of swears to describe what he sees as an LGBT mob).  They help me feel like I'm not alone and that my feelings are valid.  I feel some commonality with those who sometimes find themselves hated by others in their own identity groups (and not everyone of these people share my views on sexual morality...I don't even know that much about most of them...).

What if our sentiments about the modern-day Pride movements doesn't represent "internalized homophobia?"  What if it's actually something good?  If there are LGBT people who are skeptical, feel awkward about, or are abandoning Pride themes altogether in favor of symbols, slogans, or even covenants and faith...that symbolize unity on a bit higher of a plane than identity essentialism?  Our common humanity?  Is that not "progress?"  What if "progress" doesn't look like everyone conforming to rainbows and/or people being silenced or stereotyped if they happen to have some distaste for Pride?  But rather progress looking like individuals practicing more self-acceptance and believing in their own humanity and equalness with people around them?  Some recent movements I am following call it being "Pro-Human."

Yeah, it's kind of boring sometimes, to realize that people are more alike than different...and to build upon those similarities.  As Bret Weinstein and Heather Heying said in their new book, "Our differences are fascinating, but our similarities are what make us human."*  I sometimes feel jealous of what I perceive to be a feeling of specialness associated with Pride and rainbows, and therefore it's hard to leave it alone.  I suppose this is why I sometimes want a special Pride thing for celibate gays and/or conservative gays and/or "Side B" gays who have traditional views on marriage and children. 

 

Not to sound contrary to what I just said, but I don't believe there will ever be a "safe space" for "all LGBT people," and people in general, at least not on the level of identity politics.  But perhaps one element of "inclusion," as well as "Diversity and Inclusion" programs, could be acknowledging that some things just aren't for everyone.

Anyway, I can't possibly represent or validate every single angle or viewpoint regarding Pride and other LGBT issues (or I could, but I think people can eventually find that within themselves...I'm still trying...).  This post originated out of anger, but I've been able to calm down and collect some thoughts.  In large part, I represent myself.  I choose who represents me, and anyone is free to follow and feel represented by me.

*"A Hunter-Gatherer's Guide to the 21st Century," by Heather Heying and Bret Weinstein